Wednesday, February 02, 2011

CHokuhog sees his shadow, Habs Nation to endure 6 more years of The System - Panthers preview and open thread


Feb. 2, Joliette, QC (AP/UPI) - On this Groundhog Day, Joliette Jacques emerged from his hole and saw his own shadow, thus ensuring six more years of The System, as per the old tradition dating back to 1763. The reaction was mixed.

Joliette Jacques' handler Geoff Molson was delighted with the news. "While I understand some of Habs Nation not being excited, to me this development couldn't be better. The System will ensure the continuation of the tight low-scoring games for which the Habs have become famous over the last couple of decades. We must keep that tradition alive."

The so-called Habs Nation was less than thrilled. This reporter contacted a gentleman named "HabsFan29" (not his real name), a middling to mediocre "blogger" at the pornography website Four Habs Fans (see http://fourhabsfans.blogspot.com/). Given his moniker, it is logical to assume Mr. 29 is a Canadiens fan and speaks for all Habs fans, a notoriously homogeneous group that agrees on everything, when he offered the following comment: "f*ck. F*CK F*CK F*CK. Zzzzzzzzz".

"What Mr. 29 and other Habs fans fail to recognize," stated Mr. Molson, "is that Joliette Jacques is a coach who can speak French. As there are no candidates among the current roster of Assistant Coaches to replace him, it is important that Joliette Jacques and his System be locked up for the next six years. Seeing his shadow was just confirmation for me."

Mr. Molson continued, "The System allows the team to play down to the level of the opponent, which is the key to success in today's modern NHL. When you play the Islanders or Columbus you want to ensure to play at their level, in order to keep it close so you can win in a shootout. The System makes that possible."

Mr. Molson's theory will get put to the test tonight at 7:30 P.M at the Bell Centre as the Canadiens face the 11th-place team in the Eastern Conference, the Florida Panthers. It will be their third meeting this year, with each team having won one in the other's building. This reporter contacted Donny Rivette of the popular Panthers "weblog" Litter Box Cats by telephone for a comment on the six more years. Mr. Rivette stated that "I watched The System, I knew The System, and you Habs, you are not The System. [audible laughter]. You totally are, and you're totally f*cked."

Despite recent solid offensive performances by Habs players Tomas Plekanec (5 points over his last 4 games) and captain Brian Gionta (2 goals plus the shootout winner last night), it is expected that The System will quash these offensive outbursts as night one of the next six years begins. With backup netminder Alex Auld getting his first start after being pulled in a recent game against Calgary, the Canadiens may need as much of The System as they can get.

55 comments:

lehab said...

Another awesome post!!!!!! Nothing compares to this blog, which is why we read it daily. Keep up the great sarcasm..

Habsfan10 said...

Look behind you, Chockuhog!

I hope that nasty leaping green panther doesn't eat the cute lil fella.

soperman said...

Chokuhog! Hilarious but I really didn't need to see him without his suit on. Pass the eye-bleach.

Kmaxx said...

Another killer photo - well done gg

Now GYFHG!

iRiRi said...

" When you play the Islanders or Columbus you want to ensure to play at their level, in order to keep it close so you can win in a shootout. The System makes that possible."

Aye aye aye. Great work though!

GYFHG!

HabsFan29 said...

k let's get to some puck dropping already. let's get this 2-1 game over with

lawyergirl77 said...

I regret agreeing to review this game... Before the puck even drops.

And now I'm to tone down the use of the word "fuck" in my review according to a dedicated reader?

Oy. My vocabulary isn't extensive enough to find other synonyms for "yo, this is fucking boring"

Maybe I'll just write in French instead, câlice.

HabsFan29 said...

FINALLY.

zzzzzzz

HabsFan29 said...

our PP is crap again

Orangeman said...

Great, now the PP is broken. Does this team ever not have a problem?

HabsFan29 said...

F*CK

Orangeman said...

It's amazing how many Panthers were free in front of the net there. Most teams have better coverage down 5-3.

iRiRi said...

First career goal for Timmins. Ugh.

iRiRi said...

PFK with an homage to Lapierre.

No time like the present to get that PP firing again!

HabsFan29 said...

this PP will turn it all around im sure

HabsFan29 said...

crowd already getting antsy

Orangeman said...

Yeah, they played last night. So did the Panthers. I'm getting tired of this excuse (not that anyone's said it...yet).

lawyergirl77 said...

What did I miss? I was busy playing Fruit Ninja on my iPad.

PP sucks, Habs coughed up crappy first goal?

Carry on... Zzzzzzzzz

HabsFan29 said...

tough Tits

Orangeman said...

Nice play. Too bad Tits CAN'T FUCKING SCORE.

HabsFan29 said...

The System is working!

lawyergirl77 said...

Zzzzzz

Seriously, the thing that got the biggest rise out of me so far was the Conservative attack ad in which the tag line was basically "Fuck You Montreal".

HabsFan29 said...

only two more periods to go!

HabsFan29 said...

what? huh? we scored?

iRiRi said...

*wakes up, wipes drool*

PFK SAVES THE DAY!

Okay, Halpern!

HabsFan29 said...

ooh plexxxe you almost made me excited about this game for a second there

Orangeman said...

So I thought it was a penalty shot if they throw their stick.

HabsFan29 said...

not when you do it to a Hab o'man

iRiRi said...

You know, I would have like to see a Darche penalty shot.

GoldenGirl11 said...

I think the Bialik Herzliah merger meeting might've been more fun than this game. At least there I could've counted on a few good fights in the corners.... over the danish.

HabsFan29 said...

/poke /poke

just trying to help everyone out

HabsFan29 said...

how is THAT not a penalty shot on a clear breakaway?

HabsFan29 said...

only one more period to go everyone!

iRiRi said...

You what would wake me right up? Free meth. Or a PP goal to start the 3rd. Nothing like hanging on for dear life for 20 minutes to keep the heart rate up!

lawyergirl77 said...

BORED DAMMIT.

how am I bored during a tie game??

HabsFan29 said...

the PP is getting worse, if that's possible

HabsFan29 said...

w00t! i guess!

iRiRi said...

W00t! There it is!

lehab said...

what 29 said at 7:36

HabsFan29 said...

thx for that save Alex!

HabsFan29 said...

w00t! ok lehab, I'll take 3-1

iRiRi said...

Gio!!!

LeBuuuuut said...

Well that was swell.

Orangeman said...

Not sure what happened there, but it seemed exciting.

HabsFan29 said...

PFK almost killed 5 guys with that shot

HabsFan29 said...

uh oh

LeBuuuuut said...

Why can they never score on the empty net?

Orangeman said...

Considering that 99% of their wins are by 1G (it's in Chocula's contract), it would be nice to get an empty netter once in a while.

HabsFan29 said...

whew

iRiRi said...

The system at its best! Good night!

Orangeman said...

2-1? More like 3-2. Bet you feel silly now 29.

Orangeman said...

wOOt! 6th place! 9-2-3 since NYE. Eat it TSN panel.

Orangeman said...

10/11 of their last wins have been by 1 goal (the other is the 7-1 win over the Sens). Not complaining. Too much.

Anonymous said...

How many panthers
would a woodchuck fuck
if woodchuck
could fuck
cats?

Steve said...

Great Post, I love Chocula stories.