Sunday, February 13, 2011

Where's Kessel? ~ Habs find 3 goals, leaf can't find the back of the net ~ Game Review and Open SearCH for Phil

Well that was fun kids, especially glenn healey's sad attempt at highlighting a laughingstock leaf instead on concentrating on the game at hand. Oh wait, its hnic. Production meetings at the cbc must be hilarious. Imagine a hack like healy asking for special graphics and a special 'tracking' device. Some schlub in Toronto (I know, Centre of the self-aggrandized Universe, aka CotU) has the added workload to please their leaf fan lemmings. Love the sCHadenfrude. So in the spirit of the Ke$$elTracker™, lets find out what else happened last night.

Where's your integrity/credibility ? ~ Go figure, toronto-based media house of mirrors slagging PFK! for being 'called out' by burke's latest rehab project. Hopefully PFK! rehabs Loopy on Feb. 24th (I'll be at the game!). tsn actually freeze frames the play, puts a focused light on Loopy's helmet and whines, whines, whines that PFK! is disrespectful. Fucking morons.

Where's the respect ? ~ Nice blindside hit on PatCHes, leaf #2 Dman (hnic reminds us that fLuke schenn leads in hits but failed to mention that he also leads in giveaways, this on a team that ices Dou$harek).

Where's our rival ? ~ In Boston. The toronto-based media funhouse still clings to the idea that their storied leaf matters. We laugh at you, not with you.

Where's the 3 stars ? ~ DDD (heard Gio! call him that on post game show) potted a beauty and passed a perfect play to Pouliot, who was imitated with an almost similar goal from Captain America (no where to be found on the US Olympic team, wonder why?). DDD was also 12 for 16 on face-offs. Track that hnic.

Where's your tax money spent ? ~ The Ke$$elTracker™, brought to you by hnic, cuz they just gotta put the focus on their team and give their audience a nugget. How'd that work out?

Where's bob ? ~ Still cold.

Where's Crotch's Corner ? ~ Mr. Warmth was in WhiteHorse with his buddy ron mchudsonbay, watching, wait for it, hockey fights.

Where's the standings ? ~ Habs' Record is 31-20-6 2nd in Northeast, 6th in East, 9th in the League. The leaf is 4th, 12th, 26th but they can still mathemagically make the playoffs.

Where's the code ? ~ In milbury's shoe and boyce's blue&white birdcage. That fuckfaced leaf took offense to PFK!'s smile and shot the puck at him. Where's collie ?

Where's the net ? ~ The leaf never found it giving TFS™ his 6th shutout this season, 2nd vs. the leaf this season and 10th in his young career (and the leaf gave up it's 9th against this season). NB - healy and cold both made sure to mention the 'word' during the play. Fuckers.

Where's blowhard burke ? Is it me or did the hnic stuckonleafzoomcam not spot his fat white pasty face? 

Where was 29 ? ~ Away. Maybe ménage-à-ovenmitting Kristin?

Where's the mustard ? ~ Too muCH? meh, not enough.

Where's the post-nekkid-slumpbustin'-guy hot babe pic ? ~
Josie Maran


soperman said...

On TSN this morning they did a summary of PFKs "transgressions" of the hockey code of conduct for rookies.

1./ Richards says "he thinks he is better than everyone else" Is mikey calling him "uppity"?

2./ A slewfoot penalty? Wow - where was the suspension for that infraction?

3./ Excessive celebration of an overtime winning goal. Are they kidding us? Maybe they should complain that he stole the celebration from Nazim Kadri - oh wait we haven't had a chance to see that in the NHL 'cause he hasn't scored yet...

4./ Finally the he punched me before I got my helmet off. Really? You must me so focused on your helmet you are not watching the guy who is trying to punch you is the puss? Maybe they should stop the play until you are ready, Nancy!

And finally at Lupul's indirect suggestion, they summarize these henious crimes against veteran players.

Wait! They forgot to mention that Hal Gill told him to clean up his stall in the dressing room.

C'mon boys pretty soon you are going to suffer the fate of Darren Pang who ironically did not deserve his fate.

Number31 said...

Back-to-back shutouts against the Leaf for TFS™, no?

Dude on NHL Network said he had more problem with Lupul bitching than with whatever he thought PK did, which he had no problem with 'cause when you're engaged in a fight and you're going towards a player, don't expect him to wait until you're supposedly ready. If you're not ready, skate backwards. Besides, PK took his helmet off for him.

HabsFan29 said...

great work moe and GG! I found him! And Burke! and Cold! And CHerry pie in the sky!

i would like Josie Maran to join the menage

life is good today. whole world against us, win in hand.

go you fucking Wings!!!

GoldenGirl11 said...

and the cup?

HabsFan29 said...

and seriously, can we get back to shooting a puck at PK at the end of the fucking game? how come no one talks about that on TSN (rhetorical)? dangerous fucking play, suspension worthy, and it's just forgotten because PFK had it "coming to him" or something. this is outrageous beyond words

HabsFan29 said...

@GG - ooh good one, I found it now

Moey said...

Great job peeps, as usual. Had me laughing out loud.

That was fun last night excpet for the pounding headache this AM. Too much wine and not enough pizza. I'll never do that again, yeah right. *pops another Tylenol*

lawyergirl77 said...

@GG & Moe - am still giggling. Well done!

J'en ai mon ostie de voyage with all of this shit they'Re talking about PK. Seriously.

Le Douze said...

@Moey - too much pizza is even more dehydrating than wine. I recommend hydrating with a lot fruit juice - maybe half a dozen Singapore Slings should do it. Best to start at the end of the evening, and then repeat every few hours during the night (void, gargle a Sling, sleep, repeat), continuing on into the morning, then switching over to a couple of Bloody Caesars at brunch. The best thing about this hangover cure is that you'll feel like you're back in high school, at least until brunch.

Mrs. Le12, the leaf fan, remarked that her boys looked like a high school hockey team with food poisoning. She commented that there was one team playing hockey and another spinning around in circles in their own zone. (I think I know which team she meant was which.)

She nonetheless found in her heart to give me a special birthday present or two. Best night ever?

HabsFan29 said...

@Le12 - can we film a reality series with you and your leaf-loving wife? drama and conflict with hockey overcome by love. this thing sells itself!

GO YOU FUCKING WINGS (up 3-2 in the 3rd).

moeman said...

29, did you find the 29s?

moeman said...

tsn's on crack marketing wizards have a new title on their main page 'SC Express: Subban Stunts'. Fuckers.

Oleg Petrov said...

I didn't have the benefit of the Kesseltracker on my feed. Can anyone describe for me what this nonsense looked like? Was it a Fox sports glowing-puck style pop-up video window or something?

moeman said...

0-Pet, it was an arena shaped stats soup attempting to show Philsbury's doughie goodness but he kept coming up empty all game, forcing healy into a foetal/fecal position of parsimony. Freud would've had a field day.

iRiRi said...

Great review, peeps!

Overheard the most ridiculous thing today. Two guys talking Habs said we should call up Henry, Schultz AND Tinordi for the March 8th game against Boston. They were dead serious and thought it was the BEST IDEA EVER. What is wrong with some people?!


GoldenGirl11 said...

Hugh is in there too. Is it Hugh Jackman or Huge Ackman? Never sure.

Orangeman said...

Mario doesn't likewhat's happening to the league. Although I find it somewhat insincere for the owner of the team with Matt Cooke on it's roster, I'm glad someone is finally speaking out against this BS.

Wings FTW!

Kmaxx said...

Can I just make a completely unrelated comment here please...Coach's Corner last night - WTF was that all about?

moeman said...

@Kmaxx, simple answer to a simple question. It was about don on ron.

Steve said...

very funny moeman and GG if found Kessel he is by the flying saucer in the Tim Hortons playground.

@soperman, great recap of the PFK vs Loopy fight.

I love the Kesseltracker, it points out Donut boy cant score because he is never in the offensive zone.

The other tracker they need is for Douch$aric or Kommieyesuck, how many milliseconds does the puck spend on his stick till he fires it blind in any direction. Even Chocula can coach a player with his skills. " okya Kommi, try to be places you think the puck wont be, and it comes anywhere near you fire it blindly as hard as you can, as far away from you as possible" Its halarius it reminds me of playing medal of honor and trying to throw back gerandes thrown at me before they explode.

Steve said...

@Kmaxx next week Don and Ron are going to do an equally riveting recreation of the wreck of the emmafitzgald, following weeks will include a Mulroney Schriber meeting with envelops of cash.

kevincrumbs said...

Thank you, Red Wings!

Le Douze said...

@29 - I guess that would be kind of like the modern era version of Excuse my French, where drama and conflict with language was overcome by love and cute double entendres.

Unfortunately, neither Mrs. Le12 nor I are nearly cute enough for that premise. It would more like drama and conflict over offspring driving duties heightened by sarcastic comments about the other's favourite sports team, and squabbling about who gets to control the remote (and who keeps forgetting to order Leafs TV).

I think I'd better keep my day job.

moeman said...

Le12, "nearly cute enough", have you seen GG's mad photofixin' skillz? You'll be Huge Ackman in no time.

Le Douze said...

@moe - I guess I'd do that, if she could make Mrs. Le12 into Halle Berry.

moeman said...

Kudos to Mario for speaking up. Might/Should've come sooner considering he has cooke in his employ but anyone that knocks campbell and daly down a few pegs is worthy.

Mr.natural said...

@GG: Superb.

@Kmaxxx: Agree, WTF was that Sarah Palin country shit they tried to pull off!?

@everyone: Instead of slipping back into my homicidal ways of yore on this whole bashing PFK thing which is WAYyyyyyyy out of hand, let's take it the other way, any publicity is good publicity, every single team or their mouthpiece, that are bitCHing would be delirious to have PFK on their team.

I hope he laughs it all off.

I'm all PHucked u, pout and about plus visitors most of the weekend and in all day today making a dent in the current disaster that is my basement (revamping TV room and putting 1000 bottle wine cellar, wait NO you can't all come over and help me.

Anyway, we'll be PHucken'PHine!


Mr.natural said...

...PHucked UP Out and about...

Sorry burned out today

Mr.natural said...

...and still more

Can't believe that I'm about to say this; I agree 1000% with Mario.

Hope I never have to say that again as long as I live

the (tired) Maritimer said...

Hey Everybody,
Finally recovered from my 25 hour drive in a motorhome fom Mrytle Beach, S.C.
Got home in time to see the win last night, great stuff reviewing it moeman and GG. Tried to follow as much as I could down there, did get to see the clusterfuck in Boston, although I had to watch it with 5 other leaf fans.

All I can say about PFK is...keep it up man. The COTU is just fucking jealous. Fuck you, hnic, tsn, ron and don, phucktards and especially the cowardly bruins. They are gonna get theirs next time.