Wednesday, December 17, 2008
If you were one of the fortunate ones to catch one of the weirdest hockey games of all time on television last night, then at least you can now face the world with a stronger sense of self.
That game was weird and I am not as weird as that.
My family’s not that weird.
My chronic eye twitch isn’t that weird.
My Lana fetish from Three’s Company isn’t that weird.
Howie Mandel’s germ phobia isn’t that weird.
The whammies on Press Your Luck weren’t that weird.
Sam Donaldson, … no he’s weird.
Conrad Black writing Pulitzer prize material from jail isn’t that weird.
What is weird however is this. The Carolina Hurricanes go on 5 power plays in the first and finish the period with a total of 5 shots. What’s weirder, the Habs had 3. Weird is the referees awarding a penalty shot to a Guillaume Latendresse who was never in the clear. Weirder still, Gui! fires a rocket over Cam Ward’s shoulder from the slot to make good on the penalty shot. The shot makes Brett Hull look like Jessica Tandy in the 90s (the 1990s).
Weird is how the Habs dominate a game that doesn’t yield any real breaks. Weird is how the team shoots itself in the foot with the type of brain dead decisions that would draw the envy of the Bush administration.
Weird is how George W. Bush revealed his mutant abilities by ducking that shoe toss. It felt like that scene from Superman II where Clark trips into the fire at the hotel in Niagara Falls and gets up unscathed, leaving Lois thinking, dude, you gotta be Superman come oooon!
But last night’s game was weirder.
11 penalties, most of them fully warranted. One after the other, and so on, and so on, like that 80s shampoo commercial.
The 80’s, hmmm. Bob Berry. That was also weird.
Kovalev scored his first goal in 20 games. Totally bizarre. He makes a flat line, no cerebral activity in sight play with 30 seconds to go in the game as the Habs finally gain the zone. And he almost ties it 25 seconds later in what would have been the best redemption since Shawshank.
Like a weird night out with a weird encounter and a weird morning after. So people, this is my advice. Get up, put your clothes on, exchange your awkward “hey, good morning”, and go home.