Escaping Philadelphia: We Are Now Free - Flyers 9- Habs 0

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one team to undo the total jinxes which have connected them with the possibility of imminent sweepage, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of the national hockey league and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind and to the law of hockey averages requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to stop sucking donkey cock.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, but that Scott Hartnell was made ugly, that they are endowed, and that Jaro Halak is well endowed, by their Coach with certain unalienable rights, that among these are goals, assists and the pursuit of the Stanley Cup. That to secure these rights, teams are created among men, deriving their powers from the consent of the Bettman. For should the Bettman wish to see you fail, he will call the referees of the world against you and make them blow their mighty whistle, again, and again, and again. That whenever any Canadiens become destructive and appear heading towards sweepage, it is the right of the people to request that Marc-André Bergeron see limited ice time and that he not be allowed to use a stick.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the Canadiens long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; but the complete absence of goal scoring and interest in life, or of persistent hockey becoming of an asshole requires a verbal ass-whooping by the Coach. All experience hath shown that Habs fans are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable such as the top shelf habits of a Daniel Brière, may the Lord castrate this native son, than to right themselves by abolishing the goal scoring to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, a word most Flyer fans do not know, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce goal scoring under the absolute despotism of tyrannical Flyers fans, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw the book on this series out and start anew with a plan that would include scoring goals, and to provide new hope for their fans who have contemplated bridges to jump off.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these fans, 17 years. 17 years waiting in desperate agony for this display of impotence; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of suckage which is leading them to the territory of sweepage. The history of the present team is a history of repeated injuries, to Markov, Gill and more, but also one of defiance, defiance of what some have deemed the impossible, or what the Bettman has called the unwanted.

To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid word. Go, you fucking Habs.