Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Escaping Philadelphia: We Are Now Free - Flyers 9- Habs 0

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one team to undo the total jinxes which have connected them with the possibility of imminent sweepage, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of the national hockey league and of nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind and to the law of hockey averages requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to stop sucking donkey cock.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, but that Scott Hartnell was made ugly, that they are endowed, and that Jaro Halak is well endowed, by their Coach with certain unalienable rights, that among these are goals, assists and the pursuit of the Stanley Cup. That to secure these rights, teams are created among men, deriving their powers from the consent of the Bettman. For should the Bettman wish to see you fail, he will call the referees of the world against you and make them blow their mighty whistle, again, and again, and again. That whenever any Canadiens become destructive and appear heading towards sweepage, it is the right of the people to request that Marc-André Bergeron see limited ice time and that he not be allowed to use a stick.

Prudence, indeed, will dictate that the Canadiens long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; but the complete absence of goal scoring and interest in life, or of persistent hockey becoming of an asshole requires a verbal ass-whooping by the Coach. All experience hath shown that Habs fans are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable such as the top shelf habits of a Daniel Brière, may the Lord castrate this native son, than to right themselves by abolishing the goal scoring to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, a word most Flyer fans do not know, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce goal scoring under the absolute despotism of tyrannical Flyers fans, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw the book on this series out and start anew with a plan that would include scoring goals, and to provide new hope for their fans who have contemplated bridges to jump off.

Such has been the patient sufferance of these fans, 17 years. 17 years waiting in desperate agony for this display of impotence; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of suckage which is leading them to the territory of sweepage. The history of the present team is a history of repeated injuries, to Markov, Gill and more, but also one of defiance, defiance of what some have deemed the impossible, or what the Bettman has called the unwanted.

To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid word. Go, you fucking Habs.


moeman said...

Nicely done 4. Kinda gives me a vibe to parody some Pursuit of Happiness. (I know).

Hadulf said...


Bill 101 said...

verily it is so

Thanks for raising the bar.. again.

Moey said...

Off topic, but at the bottom of the previous post, the comment total reads 10, only 5 are showing. I posted a comment and it's not showing. Same with this one. The bottom says 3 but only 2 show. Could be Flyers fans practicing voodoo. *tremble*

HabsFan29 said...

*golf clap*

@moey (if you can see this) - can you see this?

Tyg said...

I'm pretty sure this is the first time I've ever actually applauded a blog. Then again, I've been drinking steadily for hours.

If all I get is one candid word, let that word be - HABS! Or FUCK! Either works.

Moey said...


I can see your comment, the total on top of this reads 3, but the tagline shows 6. I worked in IT for many years, some things like our Habs can never be explained on heaven nor on earth.

*cue twilight zone music*

HabsFan29 said...

i cant see yours Moey. I got it via email, but i dont see it anywhere. someone should inform the blog operators there's a problem.

wait, what?

Scott said...

We the Habs fans, in order to form a more perfect Cup run,... request that the team recall the dread of returning from Quebec City down 2-0 to start the '93 playoffs.

That series ended with the Habs taking the next four.

wverif = cossupp (i.e.: no Hab shall cossupp the puck to Briere)

Grrrreg said...

I love this place for posts like this. Thank you.

Number31 said...

Anyone on the Flyers use an illegal stick?


Schroder said...


Schroder said...

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Schroder said...


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Nothing rhymes with Orange said...

@31: Maybe not a stick, but there are some crimes against hair on that team.

Now there's all these Philly phans coming out of the woodwork, especially on facebook, taunting me (in a friendly way, but still). Mostly it's, "Why so quiet about the Habs now!" Where the hell were you before the 3rd goal in game 7 last series? Seriously, two of these boobs have the Phlyer logo as their profile pic, fresh from two days ago, and they the nerve to taunt me now? And these aren't even the 3 seperate people that I know in Philly currently. Those guys and gals don't even support Philly teams because they're embarrassed by them and their phans.

Anyway, we'll be seeing the return of orangeman soon because we've all got to do our best to help our boys out. Plus my orange is pure and fresh, not a left over from an LSD trip in the 70s.

Kmaxx said...

@HF4 - Another classic...I almost wet myself when I read this line..."they should declare the causes which impel them to stop sucking donkey cock."

Has this blog ever won any kind of award? Because it should. I mean - here we are (and when I say "We" I mean the real Habs fans - the lifers - not the bandwagon jumpers or the phukin' lurkers) - so here "we" are - staring at the abyss that faces us. How do we get through this day in anticipation of what might happen tonight - and I know we all feel similar - some can't sleep, some will drink too much - many will get fuck all done at work, others won't go to work at all - and you come up with an absolute classic piece of writing that has just inspired us all with its uncanny capture of the past, present and the future. I fuckin' love you guys! Now Go You Fuckin' Habs. No Pants...just fuckin' go!

Mr Trivia said...


that was killah.

now GYFHG!

lawyergirl77 said...

Seriously, 4, this post is full of so much win I can't even begin to put it into words.

Well done!!! While it may be the history geek in me talking, this may be your best one yet!

soperman said...

Best Post EVER.

WV - "sping" a typo in the sentence, "The Phylers are phucked this sping."