I'm Surrounded By Assholes! Game 3 Preview, Open Thread and Manifesto
You know, lately I've been thinking about assholes. Trolls, biased announcers, orange-clad bastards hammering the glass, vandalizing reporter's cars and pouring beer on RDS trucks. Flyers fans can be assholes. Philly fans in general have a reputation as assholes. So do New Yorkers (Rangers and Yankees and Jets fans, mostly),and Bostonians (Red Sox and Bruins in particular). Leafs fans are a different kind of bitter, snarky "why does everyone hate us" asshole. Canadiens fans keep talking about how Montreal is better than that ... how we don't troll, don't abuse opposing fans, blah blah blah. How we're classy. How our grandfathers and dads went to the Forum in suits and ties.
But let's look at the facts: Montrealers riot. Montrealers boo the hell out of opposing players for whatever perceived slight. Montreal fans turn on their own players like vipers. Montreal fans act all smug and arrogant and throw around "24 Cups" and "1967" a lot considering we are 17 years and counting. We're assholes but not to the proper level. We're hated for all the wrong reasons.
Here's the thing, folks: It's not 1950 anymore. It's not 1977. It's not even 1986 or 1993. It's been 14 years since the Forum got mothballed, 15 years since a true francophone superstar dazzled in bleu, blanc et rouge. Almost 2 decades of rudderless management and a corresponding young fanbase that doesn't know anything else. You can't tell me that this franchise and its fans haven't changed. It's all changed, baby. But it hasn't changed for the better or worse. It's changed for the half assed. Montreal fans are caught between the old guard, the "Rocket Beliveau Roadrunner Lafleur ruled, Patrick Roy disgraced the jersey and shouldn't have his number in the rafters" crowd, and the new breed, the "Roy is the greatest of all time why'd we get rid of a superstar like Kovy, Ole ole ole" generation. This team and its fanbase need an identity, and there's only one way to go: ASSHOLE.
Yeah, I said it. It's time to stop half-assing the assholeishness and get serious. More riots! More booing! Senseless violence! Attacking team buses! Mother insults! Looting liquor stores? Amateur hour. Loot the fucking Seagram's distillery, dammit! Enough with being "sort of" assholes. It's go-time for douchebaggery and mindless violence folks! Fewer ties and suits, more tire irons! Less classy, more Clockwork Orange!
Instead of booing the national anthem, pelt the first American in opposing colours with batteries! Instead of shouting "1967" at Leafs fans, bring up the Maple Leaf Gardens sexual abuse ring! Stop answering opposing fan taunts with "Ole ole" and start answering with folding chairs! Talk up the 24 Cups even more. When some asshat starts talking shit about "50 mile rules" or Montreal getting to protect all the French players, don't set him straight with the actual facts ... tell him he's right, the Habs cheated for 50 years and we'd fucking do it all over again! Hell, they all think that's what happened anyway. Tell them we rigged the fucking Lafleur draft too!
And what of the team itself? The Flying Frenchmen aren't walking through that door, folks. The Smurfs aren't the answer. Want to cultivate this asshole image to the max? It's time for a full on, cheapshotting, dirty, diving, Max Lapierre as captain with the Kostitsyn's wearing A's trainwreck of asshole-osity. Big(ger) drug parties. Hookers. Off ice fights. On ice fights. Carey Price getting 16 year old girls pregnant during intermission and smoking on the ice. Trading for Chris Higgins and his dealer back. Retiring John Kordic's number. Making the spear in the nuts our signature offensive play. Denis Leary as coach. Rush Limbaugh as PR director. Replacing the little kids with the flags with Hell's Angels. A 200 foot billboard of PK Subban giving Leafs fans the finger in Yonge Dundas Square in Toronto. A traveling fan base that makes English football fans look like an actuarial conference.
Josh Gorges needs to start growing a bad goatee and celebrating victories by spitting at opposing fans. Jacques Martin needs to channel Reggie Dunlop. We need to trade to get Grabovski back. Komisarek too. And Milan Lucic. Let's get Claude Lemieux out of retirement. Hire Patrick Roy as GM. Start calling the kids at the annual Children's Hospital Christmas party weaklings and lazy for staying in bed all day. Ask Jacques Parizeau to write the season tickets application with "No ethnics need apply" stamped across the top. Turn the Molson Zone into a Champagne room, and the red seats into a Molson Zone. Start handing out commemorative coins to throw at referees at home games. Change the logo from CH to FTW.
Everyone already hates the Canadiens and their fans. We might as well make it worth their while. Consider this the call to asshole.
Stuff you namby-pamby sissy fans probably care about:
Game time 7:00 pm at the (Ring your fucking) Bell Centre, on some shitty US Stations and the dumbass CBC and RDS.
Stupid overrated child abuser Michael Leighton (whose mama is a ho) starts for Philly because he's a lucky jerkoff who has a billion minute shutout streak. Useless flash-in-the-pan-not-nearly-as-good-as-that-fucking-Price-dude Jaroslav Halak gets the nod for Montreal.
Illegitimate child of a Chicoutimi hooker Jacques Martin says badass mofo Ryan O'Byrne may dress in place of useless sack of shit Mathieu Darche as Habs go to 7 defencemen. Terrible waste of skin Chicken also back in favour of awesome Belarussian shit-disturber and partyboy Little Tits.
Cheap dirty lucky Flyers make no changes, except Scott Hartnell's wife, who changed the motel she frequents with all his teammates. Daniel Briere changed his purse to match the Flyers faggotty white road unis.
You got something to say, fuckface? Add it in the damn comments. Or don't. We'll be too busy punching Flyers fans in the throat and flipping cars to notice.