Friday, May 21, 2010

A New Hope

That's right, we're invoking the Holy Trilogy. Jump back on that bandwagon, all you bandwagon jumpers, the Evil Philadelphic Empire and their eviler leader, Darth Bobby, are blowing up.

Not so long ago, in a part of the NHL not all that far away...


Episode IV - A NEW HOPE

It is a period of playoff war.
Rebel Canadiens, inspired by
a huge fan base, have won
their first victory against
the evil Philadelphic Empire.

During the battle, Hab
spies managed to steal secret
plans to the Empire's
ultimate weapon, the MICHEAL
LEIGHTON, an armored crease
dweller with enough quickness
to destroy an entire city's hopes.

Pursued by the Empire's
sinister agents, Princess
Martine relaxes at home solo,
custodian of the
stolen plans that can save her
players and restore
Tradition to the Habs' galaxy....

Princess Martine: [in a holo message] General Kirk Kenobi: Years ago, you served one of my many predecessors in the '93 Wars; now the same organization begs you to help it in its struggle against the Evil Empire. I regret that I am unable to present the fan's request to you in person; but I'm afraid to speak to the players during the game and I'm afraid my mission to bring the Cup back to Montreal has failed. I've placed information vital to the survival of the Canadiens into the memory systems of this R2 unit. The players will know how to retrieve it; I just don't know how to communicate with them. You must see that puck is safely delivered behind LEIGHTON. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Kirk Kenobi; you're our only hope.

Kirk: I have something here for you. The fans wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but Uncle George wouldn't allow it. He feared you might follow old Kirk on some damn fool idealistic crusade for the Cup like the fans wanted.
Squid Skywalker: What is it?
Kirk: Easton's lightest composite. This is the weapon of a Habs Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a wood stick; an elegant weapon for a more civilized age. For over a thousand generations, the Habs Knights were the guardians of peace and justice in the Hockey World. Before the dark times... before the Empire.
Squid: How did the Tradition die?
Kirk: A young, ugly skater named Darth Bobby, who was a hero of mine until he turned to evil, tried to help the Empire hunt down and destroy the Habs Knights in the 70s. He betrayed and murdered skilled hockey. Now the Tradition is all but extinct. Bobby was seduced by the dark side of the Hockey Force.

Squid: So. You'll get your reward for two rounds and you're just leaving, then?
Jar Solo: That's right, yeah. Got some old debts in Bratislava I gotta pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? With Carey Price still around? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. We could use you.
Squid: Come on. Why don't you take a look around; look at all those towels. You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good goalie like you, you're turning your back on the fans.
Jar Solo: What good is a reward if you ain't around to use it? One more game in that crease and I'm a dead man. Besides, attacking that MICHEAL LEIGHTON is not my idea of courage. It's more like, suicide.
Squid: [angry] Okay. Take care of yourself Jar. I guess that's what you're best at isn't it?
Jar Solo: [as Squid walks away] Hey, Squid. May the Force be with you.
What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doin'. Got us through two rounds already, didn't I?

Darth Bobby: I've been waiting for you, Kirk. We meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now *I* am the master.
Kirk: Only a master of evil, Bobby.

Darth Bobby: [zeroing in on Squid's knees] I have you now!
[one of Bobby's Storm troopers, Scott Hartnell, is stoned by Jar Solo]
Darth Bobby: What?
Jar Solo: YAHOOO!
[the Millenium Glovehand appears]
Rhino: Look out!
[Jar fires out his glove again, a second storm trooper, Mike Richards, collides with Hartnell, sending him careening away]
Jar Solo: You're all clear, kid, now let's *blow* this thing and go home!
[the Millenium Glovehand leads the remaining rebel Canadiens to the offensive zone; Squid fires, the puck dives down behind the goal line as the MICHEAL LEIGHTON explodes]

Back on the Tradition bandwagon? Tell us about your favorite Habs/Star Wars memories in the comments.


soperman said...


It is a dangerous combination to be high and have too much time on your hands.

My only concern is continuity, i.e. what about Darche Vader? Can a Darche Vader and Darth Bobby exist in the same universe? Also the USS Gill has the right stuff to be a wookie.

It was worth it to hand around your site and not to any work today.

Chester said...

Don't you people have jobs ?

HFF33 aka Panger said...

Gill as Cheewie! How did I miss that? I bet Bell Center hallways are witness to Princess Martin complaining about "this walking carpet in my way" all the time.

I changed both parts of the name (DarCH/Darth and Vader/Bobby) so I thought it would be clear. Apparently I give some of our readers too much credit.


soperman said...

I am still drunk from last night but you probably do give us too much credit.

@ Chester

Do you think your lawyer is always working on your case? There are para-legals to do the research and a lawyer's best tool is winging it in court. It's all billable time!

HabsFan29 said...

why is Squid always the star of these things? oh yeah

nice work Panger and GG!

this comment cost a client $150

moeman said...

May the farce be with 33 & GG.

Jaybird said...

Wow the level of awesomeness never ceases to amaze! Great work.

Gionta is Yoda. Martin should be Jabba the Hutt since Claude Julien is unavailable. Muller has Han Solo perfect just by looks due to his sometimes frosted tips. I would like Halak as Bobba Fett the man behind the mask. Princess Leahpierre. Sergei looks like Luke Skywalker but thats a no go. Andrei Obi Wan? Subban Mace Windu. I dunno.

lawyergirl77 said...

Seriously - the hot streak continues!!

Well done GG and Panger!!

L Dude said...

I liked the bit at the end of last night's movie when Jaro-Jaro Binks punched that little shitty Jawa Briere in the face.

Sorry if I'm getting my movies mixed up. I'm a trekkie.

wv: Philly fans can kishet good-bye.

Chester said...

Where is Sexy Friday ?
Where are the boobs ?
Enough with the intellectual shit.

Go Habs

lostinleafland said...

pass the spliff please....another classic entry.
Two in a row FHF. awesome.
Long weekend, Habs in Game 4..pinch me.

CanuckleHead said...

Im with Chester this one was a buzzkill


RiRi said...

What if 13 was unlucky?

Steve said...

Urologist - I have burned a hole in the ice in my own end with my powerful stinky pee. Can I please go on the pp now where I can be safely out of my own end.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Click the link from TMS

Anonymous said...

I hope that the trilogy will not be respected :

Episode 5, The Empire Strike Back ...


WV : unworr like Mike Richards is an unworr-ty captain!

Caduceus said...

FHF Star Wars Post? Awesome.

If I may offer...
Jabba the Hartnell (both kinda repulsive)
[a href=""]Salacious B. Carcillo[/a] (both kinda annoying)
BGL BGL Binks (both kinda useless)
The possibilities are endless...

@ Jay, I agree about Gionta being Yoda, but the [a href=""]Yoda pre-Episode IV[/a]

Wow, kinda nerded out back there.

Hey FHFers, I sent an e-mail to the FHF gmail address yesterday. I'm not sure how often you guys check it; the subject was "Podcast Audio."


Caduceus said...

Whoops. Fail on the last post.

What I really meant to say:
Salacious B. Carcillo
Yoda pre-Episode IV

moeman said...

PFucK's sweet handglide at the 3:16 mark, see it again just before Gio scores. said...

WOW too funny.

I come back from another galaxy to learn that we are meeting the Evil hideously orange empire and trailing to last night's game and today's brilliant review.
life does not get better than this.

May the Force be with the HABS

Caduceus said...

@moe: Cool post; PK looks like he could battle Charles Hamelin for his spot on the Short Track Speed Skating Team.

Chamby said...

Sheer brilliance. Throw a pair of goalie pads on the Death Star and it's PERFECT.

Mr. natural said...

Thanks to Simon & Garfunkel:

When your fearing
Players small
Tears in our eyes
They will dry them all

Were on their side
When Flyers get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a BitCH over trouble waters, Leighton lay right down
Like a BitCH over trouble waters and Gionta went right around

We felt down and out
Talk of a sweep
Shut outs hurt so hard
Four Fans comfort us

We'll play our part
When darkness comes
With PHucktards all around
Like a BitCH over trouble waters
Leighton we did pound
Like a BitCH over trouble waters
Laviolette did frown

Sail on silver boys
Whizz on by
Your speed has come to shine
All our dreams are on their way

See how they shine
PHucktards need a friend
They're too far behind
Like a BitCH over trouble waters
We will PHuck they're minds
Like a BitCH over trouble waters
We will PHuck them in the behind!!!

moeman said...

Nicely done Mr. n.

moeman said...

Wanna smile? BetCHa will.

moeman said...


The low-key Gainey has turned down interview requests during the post-season, but he has stayed close to the team, and players like Cammalleri appreciate his presence.

”I don't know what his exact title is now, but he's adding so much because you can have candid conversations with him,” said Cammalleri. ”There's a certain protocol you follow with a general manager because he's still making certain decisions and you can't have as candid a conversation as you'd like.

”Now him being around and being able on a daily basis to add specific insight on how we can play is pretty cool.”

Orangeman said...

Nicely done. I was thinking of Gio and Gomez as the Ewoks. O'byrne and Georges as C3PO and R2D2? On account of their 'close' relationship. Markov is Skywalker frozen in bronze.

Can I share a beef here? I'm tired of reading in the media, including the TSN article moeman linked, that the Habs barely scratched into the playoffs by losing in OT on the last day. While it's true they clinched with that point, with the Rangers' loss it wouldn't have mattered any way. So, no, they didn't sneak into the playoffs with a loss. Second, it was Philly that needed a shootout win over the Rangers on that last day to make it into the playoffs. It came down to one shooter vs another for them to be here.

Not that any of this matters, if anything it just adds to the story for the Habs. It just seems like the tone of these articles suggest the Habs shouldn't be here, when they actually have the same amount of points as the Phlyers and had a playoff spot wrapped up before them. I'm just one for historical accuracy is all.

Go Rebels Go!

I mean Habs. GO HABS GO!

GoldenGirl11 said...

I can't read anything more about our poor shleps. I just want to enjoy the fun and all of those articles are are killing it for me. Harelequin romance. That's where it's at. I just love that Fabio.

The Roadrunnner said...

I'm still drunk. Have been since the win but I have a question - when do you guys do your lawyering? I mean all that photoshopping must take a lot of time. Especially like Princess Martine and Obi Wan Kirkobi but wanted to see Cheworbynaccha.

Does meth help? GYFH!

MikeMcPhee's Stache said...

Lovin' this post, and great work on the PS. If you continue with the trilogy take advantage of short people. Briere as a lowlife, no-account Jawas. Gomez as R2. Cournoyer as Yoda. Perhaps Pronger as Boba-fet and Carcillo as Greedo? So much good here. You guys have been a considerable fraction of my enjoyment of these playoffs. Keep it up Assholes.

Ronan said...

Has this been posted yet?

Jaro Solo [cutting open Scott Hartnell and using him as a glove]: This may smell bad, kid, but it'll keep the puck out of the net until you guys get the offense going... Ugh. And I thought he smelled bad on the outside.


Martine: What do you think you're doing?
Marc-Andre Calrissian: We're breaking out of the defensive zone.
CH-3PO: I knew it all along. Signing him was a mistake.
Martine: Do you think that after what you did to Jaro that we're going to trust you with the puck?
[Big Sexy Chewy grabs Calrissian by the throat]
M-A Calrissian [choking]: I had no choice!
CH-3PO: Why is he in the lineup? Don't trust him, don't trust him!
Martine: We understand, don't we, Big Sexy Chewy? You had no choice.
M-A Calrissian: Just trying to help...
Martine: And we need your help!
M-A Calrissian [gasping]: Jaro! Ja- Jar...
Martine: What?
M-A Calrissian: JARO!
CH-3PO: It sounds like Jaro!
M-A Calrissian [gasping]: There's still a chance to save Jaro! In our zone... Asham is on a breakaway!
Martine: Big Sexy!
[Martine gets Big Sexy to drop Calrissian]
CH-3PO: I'm terribly sorry about all this. After all, you're only a Urologist!

Orangeman said...

GG11: Good idea avoiding the media spin on this. Just watched TSN's take on the game.

1) It was a unclassy move by Martin to put the #1 PP on at the end of the game. Now they will pay for rubbing the score in the Phlyers' faces (no mention of the 6-0 game or the goonery by Philly at the end)

2) Gorges should have got a penalty for a crosscheck (I agree, but let it go). Oh, also it should have been a major.

3) Gomez should have gotten a penalty for waving his stick near Carcillo's face.

4) Squid should have gotten a penalty for a crosscheck on his goal, thus no goal.

5) These 'stick issues' are the only reason the Habs won. Oh, and Philly didn't try their hardest. For all these reasons Habs probably didn't deserve to win and will get blown out next game.

Go fuck yourselves TSN, especially Darren Dreger.

Orangeman said...

On a lighter note, you can play pacman on Google today. There's an hour I'll never get back.

swarkles said...

Don't know if any of you have wandered down to puck daddy recently but if you haven't you need to take a look at this little gem" they dug up.

Number31 said...

(Insert Wilhelm scream).

OK someone needs to make a video of all the funny faces and silly things Lapierre has done these playoffs. Oh and some goals too. But really. What was that last night? The chicken dance?

Blah TSN. Just ignore them. They have nothing to talk about so they have to invent shit. Habs/Flyers same points, Flyers had to scrap harder to get in and it was miraculous considering it was "King" Henrik vs Boucher in a shootout. Would you depend on Olli Jokinen to save your season though? That deserves a Wilhelm scream. And the top PP thing was bullshit anyway CONSIDERING THEY ONLY HAVE ON PP GOAL THIS SERIES. One thing I'm sick of it's the whining from the other teams every series... Maybe fans should toss some tampons on the ice instead of garbage. And you can't call a guy for a non-existant high stick. What's that, 2 minutes for faking a douchebag out?

OH! Cincinnati Cyclones get the Kelly Cup! One down...two more Cups to go.

Mr. natural said...



Terribly Shitty Numskulls can go fuck themselves and have a big circle jerk climaxing on Bettman's face.

I pray to my heathen Idol every night that a fate more horrible than death will befall every single regular on air "personality".

KILL KILL KILL KILL - Die you Motherfuckers.

Look the Toronto Sports Network and the Canadian Broadcasting (from)Central are all sucking on the tiny cock at the center of the Hockey Universe.

As completely homicidal the rage is that they spin me into we just have to live with them.

We can take some consolation in the fact that they are taking heart as the TSN + CBC hockey experts are saying that Burke is doing it right, building slowly and winning the odd cup!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Leighton WILL be chased from the net on Saturday and hopefully be killed in a horrible post game threesome shower incident with Cuntcillo and PHucknell.

I am really disappointed that Cuntcillo's windpipe was not crushed in the last game, but am hoping for this in the next game.

PHuck the Broons and PHuck the Laffs.


Flying Toaster said...

So in about 12 hours i'll be in Montreal with my friend, getting ready for the game. Anybody else gonna be at the Phonebooth?

E said...

If anyone else watched Sportscentre tonight, they saw Darren Dreger go out on a limb to shit on the Habs. I guess he's still bitter he had to work at Sportsnet for all those years.

E said...

And @orangeman, i just realized you brought up the same sad excuse of a report.
Dreger can lick Jonas Gustavsson's swedish meatballs for all I care.

Number31 said...

Wait a second... Ian Laperriere might be back playing tomorrow? WTF?! Is he stupid? This is the same team who's doctors cleared Gagne like 3 times and nearly ended his career thanks to concussion problems. This wasn't just any regular concussion. I don't need to see Laperriere go into spasm on the ice or drop dead from a brain aneurysm thank you very much. Please. Stay home. Go away. Shoo.

E said...

All I can hope for is that shit for brains Pronger doesn't lose his tember and stomp on one of our star players who happen to be shorter than his thigh. Fuck knows we need another slice tendon injury.

Mr. natural said...

Jesus CHrist how the PHuck can you people sleep!

I woke up an hour ago and my brain started thinking about the game, I knew I was done so here I am.

HEY you lazy Bastards where the PHuck is the game day skate and pictures of hot chick?


Everyone Please please PLEASE look at the video link swarkles set up (about 8 previous to this one), by the end you will be pissing your PANTS!!

moeman said...

tsn is full of itself and knows they'll never get called on their bullshit. The live in a Bizarro anti-Habs world. The other night lipstick dutch asked dredger if his suit was flame retardant (for fear of Habs rioters). Weird to see ray ferraroar, who promised he'd punch Laps in the face give Laps some cred. Weirder to see blob mackenzie say he'd like to slap the smirk off of Laps' face. Has blob ever suggested the same about any other player? Ever? darren dredger can go fuck himself. BTW, what is a 'hockey insider'? Nothing but a rumour monger. Hey darren, brian burke's asshole needs bleaching.

moeman said...


It’s also no surprise the Ontario native has drawn comparisons to Guy Lafleur, one of the most beloved Canadiens of all time.

“I don't really know what to even say about that,” admitted Cammalleri. “It's those guys, the excellence that they had, the winning, and the tradition, and everything they've done - not only Montreal but hockey - I don't think you should mention it in the same breath. It's just one of those things.”

But there’s no denying Cammalleri, in his first campaign with Montreal, after signing a five-year contract worth US$30 million last July, is something special.

And in spite of the pressures of playing in one of hockey’s most passionate cities, Cammalleri feels honoured to be wearing the bleu, blanc et rouge jersey.

“To me, it’s a great thing that Montreal fans have an opinion,” he told “Why shouldn’t it be that way? They are passionate, they care and they want the team to win. That is a reflection of what the players are like, too. We all want the same thing.

“Knowing the history and the grandeur of the team, it didn’t take me long at all to appreciate how special it is to play in Montreal.”

moeman said...


“To me,” he says, “size is a relative thing. If you're talking about height, that's one measure. But if Brian Gionta goes into the corner with a guy who's 6 foot 5 and he comes out with the puck, who's bigger?”

WV = rense, as in lather, rense, repeat Game 3


Orangeman said...

Oh, I'm not sleeping. The game is on at 4am for me here so I bought a 6 pack of Hoegaarden, a bottle of whiskey, some chicken wings and a ridiculous amount of M&Ms. Blocked my window from the harsh morning light that will taunt me around the 2nd intermission. This is my Saturday night game and I'm finally going to get blitzed. The playoffs are turning me into an alcoholic. Moreso.

Orangeman said...

I turned down a camping trip with all my friends on my birthday weekend for these two games and so far it's worked out. It's also pissing down rain right now, so basically I look like a genius. Moreso.

Whatever happens I'm going to come out of these playoffs friendless and with a battered liver. Moreso.

Mr. natural said...


All Hail The Orangeman for he truly is blessed.

kevincrumbs said...

The media's obsession with Max is like when a guy decides he hates this super hot, smart and fun girl because he can't have her, so he has to make up dumb shit about her being promiscuous or being a coke addict. Every once in awhile he'll slip up and say something nice about her but generally he's a misogynistic self-loathing bastard with mommy issues.

Mr. natural said...

hey orangy I'll bite or am I not in theloop on spmething...moreso?

Bill 101 said...

killer link - Dude is def CBC material.

Geez it's early.

Go Habs Go!!!

Darksyde said...

Thank god for the CBC Ipod app, and a kind resident who lets me use his wifi....working all fucking day, but watching the game, anyways....don't tell!
Go you fucking Habs!!!

wv: bustin - Max Lapierre spent last night bustin a nut in Briere's mom, and tonight the Habs will be bustin some Philly ass up and down the ice!