Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Back to the Future... er Past, then Future? Game review: Habs 2, Rags 1 & Game preview: Habs vs. Pens


So for the first, say 40 minutes of boring-ass hockey that we were watching last night, the most interesting thing on the ice to me was the Rags' 85th anniversary logo at centre ice.

While some people are (rightly) pointing out that it's awfully strange to celebrate a team's 85th anniversary, I thought back to the Habs' 85th season and started comparing that edition of Nos Glorieux to the current one...

And once I realized that we are in 2011, not 2001 and that, therefore it wasn't the 1983-1984 Habs but rather the 1993-1994 Habs that would have been celebrating their 85th season (math eludes me, as always), well, I began to realize that there were some striking similarities and differences between the two squads.

Then: Gary Bettman was the new commissioner of the NHL.
Now: FML, he's still here.

Then: The conferences were re-named to the Eastern and Western conferences to avoid "confusion" according to Gary Bettman.
Now: See above re: Bettman. I still miss the Campbell and Wales conferences.

Then: The Habs were just coming off a year when they had won the Stanley Cup and were considered legitimate contenders for the Cup.
Now: Er, nevermind... Next question!

Then: The Rags were going to win the Cup that season after coming in first in the Eastern conference.
Now: Doubtful, unless you can get Messier to put down the chip bag and lace 'em up again.

Then: The Habs often relied on Patrick Roy to steal games for them (which he always managed to do), and Ron Tugnutt is his solid, if unspectacular, backup.
Now: The Habs always rely on Carey Price to steal games for them (which he often, but not always manages to do), and Alex Auld is his solid, with flashes of spectacular, backup.

Then: The Habs could rely on the offensive firepower of Kirk Muller (57 points, 23 goals), Brian Bellows (71 points, 33 goals) and Vincent Damphousse (91 points, 40 fucking goals!!) to put the puck in the net on a regular basis.
Now: The Habs could rely on the offensive firepower of... er... Well, not so much rely as trying to cope with the fact that the team's "scorers" seem to be hella inconsistent and streaky this year. (Seriously - WTF is up with that?? Pleky is stone cold, as was Squid before his "internal body" injury... while Gomez, ChickenDude and Cheese Whiz are lighting it up.)

Then: Even if the Habs didn't score first, they were always a threat to win the game.
Now: Whaddya know?? The Habs came from behind to win AGAIN last night! Be still my beating heart.

Then: Guy Carbonneau was the team captain and Jacques Demers was its coach.
Now: Guy Carbonneau was the team's coach and now he's a commentator on RDS, whereas Jacques Demers was a commentator on RDS... now he's also a fucking senator.

Then: Benoit Brunet always could be counted on to make at least one boneheaded move on the ice in each game.
Now: Benoit Brunet can be counted on to make at least one boneheaded comment per play in each game.

Then: The Ottawa Senators came in last in the eastern conference with 37 points.
Now: Yep, that seems about right.


********************************

Well, now that we've looked at the past, let's take a trip in a time machine with Doctor Emmett Gill and his short sidekick Marty Gionta (the height differences work with my theme, people... just go with it!), assume that the Mayans are wrong, and preview what tonight's game would look like, if it were to be played in the Pens' 85th season, that is, the 2052-2053 NHL season.

Time:
A relative concept, but it will be playing at 7:30 on RDS, channel 6,432 in your internal TV brain chip (i.e. the channel in-between the one that the Chinese government uses to control us, and the Food Network)

Circuits firing at full speed:
Jacques Martin's carefully preserved cranium still coaches the Habs from its fishbowl perch equipped with robot arms behind the bench (they signed him to a long term contract and STILL can't fire him without hefty penalties). His biggest dream finally came true this season - he now coaches a legion of programmable androids, and he has a direct link to their positronic brains, and is able to control their slightest movements with a blink of his eye. This has given him more time to work on his crossword puzzles behind the bench.

A recently acquired defensive robot with a Cheese-like orange tinge has 6 points in 5 games, and a robot called "Chicken" due to his unfortunate programmed tendency to cluck as he picks up speed is showing that he may not be destined for the scrap heap just yet.

Almost obsolete:
After being moved to Helsinki from Pittsburgh following the city's controlled demolition as part of a global beautification project, the Pingviinis are still struggling to put together a win after the loss of their most valuable android. Unfortunately, their motivation/drive chips have been upgraded after a this string of losses and they will likely be a formidable opponent tonight.

The Habs? Well, here's hoping that their trainer techies had enough battery packs to help them recharge after yet another series of back-to-back games. The team's robots tend to go on pointless streaks on a fairly regular basis, due in part to the fact that the Martin-head forgets to blink on a regular basis.

In the Repair Bay:
Sidney Crosby's programmable android self has had to get sent to the shop in order to re-wire its cranium circuits.

While Michael Cammalleri III is one of the few remaining fully biological players in the game, his teammates have taken advantage of this fact by giving him this antiquated disease called "gastro", leading to a quarantine.

The Markov and Gorges robots are, tragically, on a shelf in the repair bay until the end of the season, due to a shortage in available replacement parts.

Is there intelligent life out there? :
Given the well-known scientific fact that Pennsylvanian sports fans were scientifically proven to represent a lower form of life (edited to add another recent occurrence of this phenomenon), all trace of their existence was wiped out in the mid 2030s. Pensblog is used as a model of what a dystopian, un-civilized society looks like. I therefore can't link to any Pens blogs in this preview.

Post-game biological interactions:
Hook your avatar up to another person's avatar and get BUSY, techie style... (SO NSFW, I FRIGGIN MEAN IT... So don't say I didn't warn you... Y'all wanted some porn, so there you go.)


69 comments:

Steve said...

Greg Pateryn he and a 5th rounder are what we got for Toronto's most valuable player Gravol, seems fair.

Pateryn is over 6 ft tall. Yep really.

HabsFan29 said...

This is quality work LG! I would say more but I am too busy having 3-D fetish sex. Best. Link. EVER.

beahabsfan said...

loved both the review and preview LG.
hope the Habs are not going tobe the team that sets off another Pen streak.

(are they even The Canadiens in 2052-53 or have they become Les Quebecois? and if the latter would I still support the team?)

Le Douze said...

LG, I am seriously impressed with your mastery of the most important things in life (or at least of your discovery one of the most twisted links yet posted on FHF, definitely much better than the Russian porn site.)

And hockey analysis, too! You in the running for any of the GM jobs coming free?

Now, can you tell me, is last night's Chicken the real Chicken?

lawyergirl77 said...

Le12 - re: chicken: I don't know... the mock tofu chicken strips taste okay (or are at least serviceable) but once they approach their due date... *shudder*

For now, I'm tempted to refer to Chickendude as Tofurkey until further notice. But because he's playing well, I won't slag him... until he starts to both suck and blow again.

As for the kink.com site - all you need is a little imagination, Google, and this shite writes itself.

Mr. natural said...

If Pouliot gets traded to Anaheim does he become Turducken?

Le Douze said...

@LG - I guess the Calgary job is still open but I hear a certain P. McSpl. is on his knees in the Saddledome trying to get that job. (Not sure what he's doing on his knees - something like a prayer, I guess.)

You should probably hold out for the Sens job, though - you might be able to skate to work, and I hear the restaurant on Sparks Street is very nice. Pity about the team, though.

WV: Habs players run the "gamet" from cold to frozen. (Except Chicken.)

Orangeman said...

After being moved to Helsinki from Pittsburgh following the city's controlled demolition as part of a global beautification project
Awesome, LG.

Just watched TSN's Pens/Habs icechips video. 3.5 straight minutes of people talking about Crosby's injury. It's such a small thing, and I don't have a problem about with it, but just name the video after the actual topic, fools. Besides, how many different ways much we hear inarticulate hockey players mumble on and on about stepping up in his absence ? It's like listening to recent dental surgery patients talk about the colour of paint in the dentist office.

Also loved how they took an interview with Gill who is obviously talking about Squid and having them try to make it look like he's talking about Crosby. It's hard to tell, I know, because they all say the exact same thing. "Yeah, uh, the walls were white. And, uh, stuff." BREAKING NEWS!

HabsFan29 said...

OK I am back from the 3-D fetish site three hours later

Found some more BR crap on the intertubes. even the RDS commentors think he's full of shit

Moey said...

Bravo LG! I really enjoyed that.

moeman said...

Fucking awesome stuff 3DLG et GG!

29, what a coinkikink, I too just came back from a stint in the 3DKink zone, those ovenmitts were Dr. Tongue cool.

moeman said...

Funny thing about BRs tiny thoughts is he never mentions 'QUÉBECOIS!'. Of course it does linger under his foul stench. The Diques can't get a team soon enough for this phoqueur to phoque offe, estie d'tabarnacque d'cris.

lawyergirl77 said...

Many thanks for all of the compliments, peeps! Looks like I'm going to have to find more 3D fetish sites ASAP.

I guess I'll never be posting from work again...

Bill 101 said...

re: Crosby out - boo hoo for the hockey world

um.. Markov?

Orangeman said...

While we're waiting...

It took 20-some-odd years, but here is a live action Simpsons porn. It must be said, that's one hell of a Homer voice.

Orangeman said...

btw, that preview is SFW. I hope it "embiggens" you.

HabsFan29 said...

o'man i saw that preview today. the Flanders killed me. oka-lee-dokalee

if anyone dares, here's some NSFW preview pics from the film. WARNING - Marge has blue hair everywhere

HabsFan29 said...

START YOU STUPID GAME ALREADY

HabsFan29 said...

finally some hockey. how about an early goal for a change boys?

Orangeman said...

A Pens penalty? Oh god, we're going to pay for that.

Orangeman said...

The price they will pay for that non-party line call early in the game is not worth that patetic display on the PP.

Orangeman said...

Crosy's injury and 9/11. The two defining moments of our generation, according to TSN.

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

I hate to interrupt the NSFW Festival going on, but is anyone aware of an RDS feed for tonight online? Both channelsurfing.net and atdhe.net are coming up blank.

Orangeman said...

Gate, Groin, Yannick, etc: I only found the TSN feed on channelsurfing. Recently, the RDS feed on atdhe that was reliable earlier in the season comes on later in the game.

In a legal manner.

HabsFan29 said...

TFS looking sharp. knock wood

Orangeman said...

Way to get in the way there, ref.

WV: 'dressmen'. Mr. DressUp's sons*.

I know WV is lame, but I will never turn down an opportunity to recall Mr. DressUp.

HabsFan29 said...

CRAP

nice jinx there 29

Orangeman said...

humph.

HabsFan29 said...

pleXXXe!!!

Orangeman said...

Holy fuck, what the hell just happened. I was...what?

HabsFan29 said...

all in all, that period entertained me

moeman said...

Good period, no where near 3DKinky though.

HabsFan29 said...

double D!!

Orangeman said...

WooT!

HabsFan29 said...

CRAP

i can't enjoy anything for 2 minutes

Orangeman said...

D'oh!

Orangeman said...

@29: May I suggest thinking about baseball?

moeman said...

29, didn't you enjoy 3 hours of 3DKink?

HabsFan29 said...

oh you guys

Orangeman said...

Did TSN just hold an intense close up of Staal's face for 1 full minute (breaking away 3 seperate times to replay his missed shots?) while talking about him like a lost pup? Or has the governmnet upped the level of LSD in the water?

HabsFan29 said...

is Tits playing in this game? i really don't know. is he a healthy scratch?

moeman said...

Is Big Tits playing this season?

HabsFan29 said...

this game's out of control

Orangeman said...

I think a hockey game just broke out!

HabsFan29 said...

CRAP

moeman said...

staals are ugly fucks.

Orangeman said...

Oh Pricey, you've been great but not on that.

Considering the Habs won't get another PP no matter what......

lawyergirl77 said...

Crap. Now Engels over on Twitter is going to have an argument to prove me wrong. Sigh.

Seriously - anyone else think that THIS is the style we should be playing (fast, wide open)? Mark my words - the guys are going to get speech from Martin about being defensively careful etc.

And the third is going to be defensive, boring and we'll lose.

Sigh.

Orangeman said...

@LG: As TSN said, "I have a feeling the fans and players love this style, but Martin is not."

Exactly.

Orangeman said...

Told ya we'd pay for those first two PPs. That was complete and utter BS.

HabsFan29 said...

oy not another penalty

Moey said...

Enough with the fucking penalties already.

HabsFan29 said...

game over. ugh.

Orangeman said...

Can someone please check these guys' sticks? Every single fucking time, broken stick.

moeman said...

Has a ref ever been quicker? Egads.

Orangeman said...

Not to sound like a broken record, but I told ya so.

Tear the place apart. The refs won't let this get close.

HabsFan29 said...

WTF just happened?

HabsFan29 said...

attaway PK, drop those gloves! and uh, fall down

Orangeman said...

@29: The refs took a MTL goal away and called a BS penalty at the same time. You hate to blame officiating for losses. However.....

Orangeman said...

Another broken stick.

Orangeman said...

Broken record again:

Told ya so.

Orangeman said...

Well, I can blame the refs all I want but eventually Price has to make a save.

Orangeman said...

Oh lord, I just switched over the Pens feed. They were freaking out over Gionta's stick in that scuffle. Uh, guys, he lost his stick about 13 seconds ago.

Orangeman said...

So did everyone quit now?

Moey said...

For the most part, I'm glass half full. Tonights positive = no McSplooge.

Orangeman said...

Y'know, I thought the Habs played a good game. Even 4-2 I believed they could come back. Then a mind-boggling penalty called at the same time as taking a goal away. Then a Pens PPG. I will mock the Pittsburgh Bettmans, but (Broken Record Warning!) I knew it was going to happen when they got the early PP. Now they got a late nothing one to make it look even-ish in the Boxscore. Not that penalties should be even naturally, but the story of the game is 6 straight PPs to the Pens (and one recalled goal by the Habs), half of which were deserved.

The NHL is a business, let's not forget. Having said that, it would have been nice for Price to save something. Or for the boys to score on either of the PPs at the start (although if they did I don't doubt the Pens would have gotten more PPs). Or the Pkllers to prevent a goal or two. The refs created the environment for a Pens' win, but they certainly didn't put puck in the net (or take it out of the other net...except for one).

moeman said...

meh, its more fun beating the Pens in the playoffs.

Anonymous said...

Gotta hand it to the Penguins, they overcame great adversity tonight. Only 3 of their 4 top-two overall picks playing!

Number31 said...

Fleury copying the Buffalo Stance in a 5-2 win over a team that played yesterday and gave you 4 PP goals on a silver platter and basically stopped skating once they had too many men on the ice isn't exactly a 2-1 SO win territory. Also Pens fans are dicks. All over Fleury's Pose like it's God's gift to the Universe. Get your own damn pose.

Wasn't that 6 minutes 30 seconds of back'n'forth high-speed hockey awesome? I could see JMart shitting his pants. No wonder it ended with too many men on the ice. (Sigh. Meh. Whatevs).

How many times did it take for someone to realize that Spacek on the PK = goals? Oh yea, FOUR. He gets the Mike Komisarek Award tonight.