Wednesday, January 05, 2011

FHF Stripperiffic* WJHC Gold Medal Preview

It's the rubber match.

In the modern WJHC era (conveniently described as the period since Canada started sending all-star teams as opposed to an entire junior club) Canada or Russia/USSR have won 30 of 37 titles. That's right, an even 15 each. Everyone else just borrows the trophy: Canada and Russia own this tournament.

So what I'm saying is that this game will determine, once and for all time, which country and its people are superior.

So let the smack talk begin.

The Historic Rivalry: USA / Canada is the biggest international hockey rivalry based on last year's WJHC and Olympics. The Russians just aren't that much of a threat anymore. (Oh, snap.)

Domestic Leagues: Yeah, the Russians have finally set up their own "rival" league. Ask Nabokov how much it really rivals the NHL. So what if half the number of Russians are in the NHL as compared to pre-lockout? They want to stay home in the KHL, fine. Enjoy the borscht and lack of basic live-saving equipment at your arenas.

Playing Style: the point of the game isn't exclusively to put an opponent through the end boards? That's wussy-Euro talk. (Okay, I may have some grudging respect for their puck skills.) Canadian players know what their goalies look like, unlike most of their Russian counterparts. (Ouch - backchecking burn.)

Marquee Players: really it's no contest: Ovie has won nyet as a teammate. Crosby has a Cup and a couple of Gold medals (WJHC and Olympic). Anyone who would build a team around Ovie and not Crosby hates defence and winning. Plus Ovie is seriously scary looking (to be fair, that passes for "sexy" in St. Petersburg).

Politics: We're a constitutional monarchy run by a nice old lady in a funny hat. They're run by a shirtless, tone-deaf oligarch in a not-so-quasi-authoritarian state. (If I die suspiciously of, say, poisoning in the near future, Putin did it.)

WJHC: Canada already beat the Ruskies once in this tournament, and that was with their fantastically un-Roy like goalie and before starting to pay attention to defence. Russia won two playoff games by playing about 7 total minutes of hockey, and those against other wussy-Euro trash teams. There will be no such epic chokes for Team Canada (jinx).

Louis Leblanc: That's right Habs fans, a Canadian Habs' pick at forward who actually contributes at a WJHC (fuck you again Terry Ryan, Eric Chouinard and Little Fuckity Fuck). Hopefully LOUUUUU is more TFS/Subbanator and less Ribiero. If this tournament is any indication, he looks like a Turtleplek clone: does everything better than average at both ends of the rink and works his butt off. And he's not Russian (prove me wrong, Mr. 'healthy scratch' Avtsin.)

Fearless prediction: Visentin outplays Shikin, Johanson schools Tarasenko and the Canucks skate off with our 6th WJHC gold in 7 years. Russians head back to Russia wishing they were Canadian.

Finally: 1972!

*So what if none of the players can legally attend a gentlemen's club? If they bring back gold tonight, they can get in anywhere along Ste Catherine that their little (horny) hearts desire.

57 comments:

Orangeman said...

Being a stickler for statistics, not to mention a general asshole, wikipedia says that prior to 1977 the tourney was not sanctioned by the IIHF and therefore are unofficial.

But I like Panger's version better. Just remember this technicality if the sky falls. Just remember, whatever happesn Canada is still ahead by default and as Homer taught us, de-fault are the two greatest words in the English language.

Orangeman said...

I should clarify, the Evil Empire won all three before 1977, hence remembering the technicality if everything goes to hell.

GYFCWJG!

Orangeman said...

Also, this

Brawl in Buffalo?

(Canada would have won gold here if they weren't disqualified. Another technicality!)

HabsFan29 said...

that's good work Panger, good to have you back. but when i see stripperriffic in a title, I expect, I dunno, strippers?

i think Russian strip clubs may be superior to ours. in that they're brothels

GYFJG!

moeman said...

Go Louis!

Go Canada!

Gotohellmcsplooge!

Orangeman said...

Goal #1!

bea.CNDjr.fan said...

what a great PP.
good hockey so far
an dthe crowd ... you'd think it was the Bell Centre

iRiRi said...

GOld Canada GOld!!

P.S. Pittsburgh 5, TB 0 after 1. Fear not, Dan Ellis, Bergeron is on the way! Also, thanks for making sure Pittsburgh gets all the offense out of their system tonight. You still owe us, though.

ti-cul said...

GYFCJTG!!!!

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

I still can't really get over the TSN Harper-cam (tm) after the goal. I...I just have no words.

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

Let's see if you can settle an argument my girlfriend and I are having.*

Would the Habs lose against this World Junior team 9 times out of 10 if the game was in, say, Red Deer?

* - It's more like a lively debate.**
** - It's more like me talking and her pretending to pay attention.***
*** - She's in the other room.****
**** - I don't have a girlfriend.

Orangeman said...

Goal #2.

HabsFan29 said...

2-0 fuck yeah!!!!!

unlike the Habs, this team SCORES goals late in the period

great work by LL

ti-cul said...

HEEEEEE HAAAAAAA!!!!!

Orangeman said...

Describing the Juniors to my sister last week, I realized that it went from watching big guys to watching children over the years. My friend and I literally used the term 'kids' without thinking the other day in reference to this tournament. Good thing as long as Recchi is still in the NHL I'll never feel old watching.

HabsFan29 said...

@Gate - girl-friend?

maybe not 9 out of 10. let's say 7 or 8

moeman said...

Up 2-0, nice.

mcsplooge is weirdly not overly pseudoerotic tonight, unlike tsn with its HarpoCam and leaf shilling.

HabsFan29 said...

w00t!

we own this game.

/knock wood

Orangeman said...

Goal #3. Like the Habs jersey involved in the celebration in the first row there.

moeman said...

Will Sid the Kid pick TFS™?

bea.habs.fan said...

I'm speechless.
I'm not used to seeing great hockey from anybody with the name canadien

WV Junior Canada has a solid leadd. even WV is on board

bea.CNDjr.fan said...

here we go. now I recognize the team.
a "too many men on the ice" penalty

SeriousFan09 said...

Alex Avtsin has actually been scratched due to an undisclosed ailment it was recently found out.

Anonymous said...

um preview was great, but coming from panger and featuring the word "stripperiffic" in the title, i've got to admit that the visuals were a little disappointing.

Orangeman said...

Don't count out the Russians, they've come back their last 2 gam......

Oh god, right when I type that.

Orangeman said...

Oh





My





God



Shut up Orangeman!

moeman said...

JM in the shadows?

Orangeman said...

Well this makes it more interesting...right?

RIGHT??!!

Orangeman said...

Sorry to say, this is what they get from taking it easy on those 2 PPs later in the 2nd. Don "the Bigot" Cherry might tell you to not run up the score, but like I always say: Never trust the Russians.

Moey said...

I really take exception to McGuire giving head coaching advice where he himself failed miserably. STFU McSplooge, don't make me come over there. Hell hath no fury....

Orangeman said...

Next time keep your thoughts to yourself orangeman......

Orangeman said...

@Moey: Well, it's not as bad as the CBC giving a national platform called "Coach's Corner" to a 'coach' who is most famous for losing. Terribly. Multiple times, most famously for not being able to count to 5.

Moey said...

@oman,

We need to find a way to fund a FHF network. We could all do a better job than these dipsticks.

moeman said...

tsn's disgusting HarpoCam was a bad fucking omen.

moeman said...

The FHF Network needs a catCHphrase.

moeman said...

Wow.

Orangeman said...

This is the worst collapse I've ever seen from a hockey team.

moeman said...

Hubris biting tsn?

Orangeman said...

moe: "Pants and Rants!"?

moeman said...

0man, Habs 6-5 vs. Rangers was the biggest live sinkhole footage ever recorded.

http://bit.ly/ev9BeG

Orangeman said...

Kids, this is what happens when you sit back on a 3-0 lead.

Total dominance, then meh, then desperation.

moeman said...

Good one 0man.

Moey said...

@oman,

C'mon, our Habs collapse pretty darn well too. Give some credit where it's due.

moeman said...

Game over.

Orangeman said...

5 unanswered goals in the 3rd? Sorry kids, you deserve to lose this game. I hope you remember it. Especially the goalie.

Anonymous said...

this should prepare Louis for life as a Hab

Orangeman said...

@moe: I actually had a disclaimer for that game attached to my post, but I erased it. As great as that comeback was, it was a mid-season nothing game. This is the gold medal game. 5 goals in the 3rd. And at least the Rangers got a point out of that.

5 goals in the 3rd? No team deserves to be near the gold medal for that performance, sorry to say. I just hope they all learn from this disaster.

moeman said...

This sudden collapse has silenced tsn.

Orangeman said...

I just want to reiterate that the collapse was started by them taking it easy on 2 PPs in the 2nd. They could have blown it away, but stepped back. And that's what "Coach's Corner" teachers you, kids. When getting advice, consider the source and why he depends on the paycheque of the national broadcaster to survive.

Orangeman said...

Got to give 'em credit. If I was the C of the team that collapsed this spectacularly in front of a home crowd I would be commiting ceremonial Japanese suicide in the corner.

I'm being hyperbolic as usual, of course.

moeman said...

tsn's arrogance made this tourney ugly.

Orangeman said...

All I can think is this

Orangeman said...

What? No post-game from TSN (at least online)? They've been live from Buffalo since the first Christmas it seems. I guess it was just too much.

Ahhhhh well. I'll worry when we don't beat Russia in the Olympics, aka big boy games, 7-3 (yeah, that's right, I went there).

When's the next Habs game?

ti-cul said...

where's gillis, we need a meh...

Jaybird said...

That sitting on the lead was so Habs 2008

Le Douze said...

My 12 year old has just caught up with the internet phrase (I refuse to say meme) "epic fail" the past few weeks. I wonder why that comes to mind all of a sudden?

Fortunately we have Nos Glorieux to turn to!

GG, please come back and make us some pretty pictures.

Number31 said...

I'm sure the coach is very happy he won't have to order from the government sanctioned sushi menu now that he snuck in the Kovalev Attack to win Gold.

Oh well, they worked hard, and it's better than nothing.

But lo' do I see the hockey gods have smiled upon us? Suck it, Stamkos.