Monday, January 05, 2009

Attack of the Panthers: Canadiens 6 - Felines 5 (thank you, Andrei, no thanks to you, Lorne Greene)




Renown for their superior hunting skills, the Panthers always bring down their prey. After several days enduring the harsh Canadian winters, the Panthers are hungry and weakened by the cold. For this famished feline, time is precious.

In these northern parts, nothing is certain. The Panther must draw on all available resources to survive the long arctic days spent pacing around in five-star hotels.

On the ice, an always tricky surface for the maligned cat, the Panther must use instincts far better suited to the southern terrain and the far more agreeable southeast division. Alas, here, the Panther is a victim to its maladaptive ways. When opportunity appears, the Panther must pounce on the enemy and convert it to eatable flesh. It must recognize opportunity.

Yesterday, as a young Canadiens squad tried to keep up with the new wilderness of the NHL, inexperience was a decisive disadvantage, The young Habs were barely walking and yet the hopes of an entire city were laid on their feeble shoulders. The Panthers smelled the possibility.

Early on in the game, a young Canadien was separated from the herd, and became an immediate target for these ferocious Panthers. From then on, panic ensued. The pack was determined to get the young one out of immediate dangers. Unable to outskate the Panthers, and down 2-0 the Candiens turned to face their attackers. It would be a match to the death. The young Pacioretty, lost in the furious confusion, fights to stay close to his mother, that and her ruse, the only defense while she does her best to hold off the pack. She wages a brave battle while keeping him at bay, unable to lose another child to the Panthers’ carnivorous desires.

The unrelenting onslaught continued. For a moment it appeared the struggle would be over quickly. Down two, the young Canadiens were reeling in bewilderment and fear. But in a moment’s notice, as is often the case in this volatile platform, the fate of the mighty Panthers turned.

Panthers are known to easily break down younger prey, and so such difficulty with these young Canadiens was unexpected. The Panthers tired, tired to a point of mental exhaustion. One Panther was heard telling another “Fuck! Lorne Greene told us this would be some easy shit! But these guys are all up and over our big fat asses!”. The Panther took no time in responding “Yo, Lorne don’t no shit.”

The Canadiens found resolve in their own weaknesses. Because sometimes, in life, one’s weaknesses can be the most beautiful thing about that person. And so they accepted the following. We, Canadiens, can’t play defense for our lives against Panthers that can’t walk on ice. We Canadiens play with consistency only seen in a baby’s diapers. But they accepted it. They loved it.

2-0 became 4-2, and then another surge would soon be upon them and the score would be 5-5. Until, finally, the exhausted cats called off the attack.

The laws of nature are at times unpredictable. And here on the plains of the Sereng..., eh,.. the Bell Centre, a young team rife with eagerness and determination, almost certainly doomed to die, returned home victorious with the crappiest shootout win one can imagine.

PS Ed's note - this is your WJHC open thread. Go Canada! PK rulezzzzzz!!!

102 comments:

HabsFan29 said...

despite the tag, i am fucking crying with laughter.

/golf clap

fezworth said...

wow. Hats off to that one. I read it in a Richard Attenborough voiceover, which was awesome also.

Didier said...

Awesome!

GOOD ONE, seriously. Thanks!

D

Anonymous said...

Plan the parade bitches. T.J Kemp is in the house.

HabsFan29 said...

oh jeez Stephen Harper on TSN

wrap around curl said...

Ohmigahhhh. Toka's stats aren't cute.

HabsFan29 said...

fuck im nervous

HabsFan29 said...

i got a good feeling about him tonight Wrap, no worries

spirited start!

HabsFan29 said...

Subbanatorrrrrrr!!!

wrap around curl said...

GOALLLLL

moeman said...

The Habs PK can score!

wrap around curl said...

Though not entirely challenged thus far Toka is looking crip and sharp.

HabsFan29 said...

Wrap i was just about to use the same word - sharp. i think your L.A. gang reference may have been a typo tho

wrap around curl said...

Hahah. Wow I didn't notice.

LOL@ the Swede goalie getting knocked down.

no joke my word verification was realize

wrap around curl said...

So regardless of outcome of the game, will Canada riot?

HabsFan29 said...

no no we'll peaceably register our joy or disgust

HabsFan29 said...

Habs could learn a thing or two about being active on the PP

wrap around curl said...

What the hell is a big crunch at KFC? Is that like the snacker we have at our KFCs?

wrap around curl said...

WOOOOO. End of the first.

HabsFan29 said...

never had a big crunch or a snacker so i cant say. damn me and my no trans fats

so TSN said that the Swedish goalie Markstrom is second in the Swedish Elite League in save %. i couldnt believe it. but it's true. SEL gotta be the 2nd or 3rd best league in the world. your boy's in tough Wrap

but so far so good!

wrap around curl said...

Oh no, I know he's got quite the workload ahead. Any idea what the first period SOGs were looking like?

Andrew said...

12 SOG by Swe, 13 SOG by Can I think

wrap around curl said...

Pierre Macguire I wish I could hate you to death.

HabsFan29 said...

woohoo!

wrap around curl said...

WTF is wrong with Swedens goalie?

HabsFan29 said...

brain issues, surely

Wrap i just found ANOTHER blog of yours. do you ever sleep?

wrap around curl said...

Dana Tyrell is pretty. Sorry I had to girl out there.

HabsFan29 said...

Espo!

moeman said...

Espo!

wrap around curl said...

HF29; I have about 4 of them. And no I don't really sleep. I have WAC, Nifty, Shirt Skirt, then an unnamed one elsewhere. The unnamed one I have been writing in for 6 years.


GOALLLLLLL

moeman said...

Jinx!

HabsFan29 said...

@moeman - jinx

HabsFan29 said...

i knew typing the "@moeman" would take too long

wrap around curl said...

What's with the weird neckband thingy?

moeman said...

@hf29, I was gonna type Beer Me ! but Jinx! was shorter.

HabsFan29 said...

on Lorne Greene? or did i miss something?

moeman said...

Torp = another Trevor Timmins' find.

wrap around curl said...

No I meant the players.

Word verification cramps my style.

moeman said...

Gord Miller's wife must get tired really fast.

HabsFan29 said...

+1 for the gord miller line

i see what u mean about the players necks. it was the style at the time

woohoo! chippiness again

wrap around curl said...

Goddamit Markstrom I am sick of your shit.

Another Del Rov penalty...

HabsFan4 said...

Oscar Mayer?

wrap around curl said...

DON"T SHOVE MY GOALIE. EVARRRR.

HabsFan29 said...

Wrap i expect you to kill someone after that shove

wrap around curl said...

Like you have no idea the violence a chick who is 5'2 is capable of.

gillis said...

Markstrom= Giant Douche Fag

Whats the deal with fighting in the juniors?

wrap around curl said...

@gillis: Depends on the W. Pretty much totally allowable in the WHL. From what I understand the W is the roughest league in terms of fighting and such.

Word code: mandiets

HabsFan29 said...

i need a mandiet after the holidays

wrap around curl said...

@HF29; It also made me laugh because there was a commercial on for Iron Gym. And I am shoving ravioli in mai face.

Number31 said...

Dive! Dive! Swedish goalie in the zone! Someone throw the kid some floaties before he drowns.

PK Subban: Future captain of the Canadiens.

Loved Espo's goal of justice.

HabsFan29 said...

Maguire just orgasmed over your boy Wrap

gillis said...

Markstrom is definetly better than Alexandre Despaties

HabsFan29 said...

YEAH BABY!!

wrap around curl said...

GOALLLLLL

wrap around curl said...

Macguire's fawning over the bo'fren is just awkward.

moeman said...

Has Sweden crapped it's pants yet?

wrap around curl said...

No but their goalie might have drowned.

alix said...

I am still pinching myself Hodgson is a Canucks draft pick. I heart that little guy.

wrap around curl said...

He is totally rad.

moeman said...

Pat Quinn is not rad.

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK

knew it couldnt last

wrap around curl said...

Noooooooooo.

alix said...

Shit fucker. Sorry for your boy toy, wrap. He's having a hell of a game.

wrap around curl said...

It's ok Alix, he is hanging on. And is showing he can stop pucks when challenged.

Number31 said...

Erm. Shouldn't Kane get a penalty shot...?

wrap around curl said...

31; that's what I thought...

HabsFan29 said...

PK laying out!

alix said...

Me too...

Number31 said...

PK! PK! PK!

Number31 said...

I'm also glad we're finally seeing the Tokarski I saw in the Memorial Cup. Hurrah!

HabsFan29 said...

no jinx, but GAME OVER!!!!!

wrap around curl said...

GOALLLLLLLL

Number31 said...

WOOOOO! EBERLE!

alix said...

WOOOOOOOOO

wrap around curl said...

I am so excited, I am gonna rip all m clothes off.

HabsFan29 said...

woo! nude open thread!

and icing on the cake!

wrap around curl said...

GOALLLLL

Number31 said...

Mwahahaha. Eat that divers. Justice.

moeman said...

Thank You boys!

HabsFan29 said...

wrap wants in on that pile

alix said...

This is like the only time I'm patriotic. Heh. YEEEESSSS!

Number31 said...

pileup on Toka!

wrap around curl said...

Ohhhh yeahhhhh

wrap around curl said...

31: I am American! And I am thrilled!

Number31 said...

HAHA PK!

HabsFan29 said...

gotta love PK's message to the scouts

Number31 said...

WOO Toka!

wrap around curl said...

TOKARSKI SAVES.

HabsFan29 said...

look at that smile wrap!

HabsFan29 said...

LOVE the hugging PK

call him up now Bob

Number31 said...

AW YA PK!

wrap around curl said...

Markstrom is a cunt.

Yeah I said it.

Number31 said...

Don't break it, guys ;D

HabsFan29 said...

its dusty in here

wrap around curl said...

@HF29; I am totally weeping tears of joy. I fucken love that Tokarski.

Aren't you glad I am not wild about a shitty one?

HabsFan4 said...

I have a new crush and his name is Peekay.

HabsFan29 said...

there were moments against Russia i questioned, but in the end you done good wrap

HabsFan29 said...

Peekay is the new TFS

Shutdown said...

Alright, seriously though. If PeeKay played like this in the NHL, would you have him play D? Or as a 2nd/3rd line winger/PP specialist?

Number31 said...

Shutdown - all of the above?

Nah, he's an offensive defenseman. Let him Bobby Orr his way to the net and then smack their sticks as they try and enter the home zone.

Bryan said...

he better be paired with a heck of a defensive defenseman.

Shutdown said...

O'Byrne!