Monday, April 05, 2010

A Tale of the Sabre - Habs 3-Sabres 0


Wiki sorry.

The main character, Jarognan, born into an impoverished noble family of Gasconihalak, leaves home for Montreal to fulfill his greatest dream: becoming a professional goaltender and a Musketeer of the Guard on the side. Fortunately his father knows Monsieur De Hockeyville, Captain of the Company of Musketeers (and fellow Gascon) as well as the Korean usher from the Forum and has written a letter of introduction. On the road to Montreal, the young Gasconihalak soon gets in a quarrel with a mysterious gentleman, who goes by Careygnan and is set upon by the servants of the nearby inn. When Jarognan regains consciousness he realizes that Careygnan has stolen his letter of introduction. The innkeeper manages to get his hands on much of Jarognan's limited money as he recuperates.

In Montreal Jarognan goes straight to the Bell Centre, but lacking his father's letter is received somewhat coolly. In a series of incidents at the Bell Centre, Jarognan is challenged to duels by three musketeers: Careygnan, Huetgnan, and Danisgnan. The four men meet and Jarognan begins to fight. But as they duel they soon become friends and Jarognan is quickly accepted as part of the group. And they gel their identity with their new rallying cry:

Careygnan, Careygnan, as if nothing really matters.

Cardinal
Gainey's guards soon arrests Huetgnan and Danisgnan who are both sentenced to hard labour in the Chateau d'If you don't play well you're out of Montreal. The remaining two musketeers try to defeat the cardinal but to no avail.

But things between Careygnan and Jarognan soon become sour because they have both fallen for the Cardinal's daughter, Constance Constantly. This creates much angst amongst the formidable duo and Careygnan's devotion to the regiment begins to flail. Jarognan soon becomes the Musketeer of choice, and despite his attempts to lure Careygnan out of his slumber with passionate cries of Careygnan, Careygnan, as if nothing really matters, it doesn't work and Careygnan begins to fade.

Even an attempt to retrieve Crosbygnan's lost equipment will not give Careygnan his spirit back. And so Jarognan stands alone. sabre in hand, full body mustache augmenting the manliness of his face.

Constance Constantly and Jarognan are a solid item now, and this fuels Jarognan to soaring heights. On the night he is to face the mighty Sabres in a crucial duel, he excels, turning away one combatant after another. This last performance will have afforded him the Cup of Molson, surely. All the while, a feeble Careygnan sulks, wounded in honour.

Sadly, the author of this blog entry will have died of massive constipation from unleavened bread intoxication. We fully expect the story to have ended with Jarognan drinking the finest Champagne from the Cup of Stanley and snorting cocaine off Constance's breasts.

10 comments:

Number31 said...

I hear they're making a new Three Musketeers film a la Holmes style. I'm giddy about it now but I fear it until I hear who's playing whom...

moeman said...

Speaking of things in threes, the Farrelly Brothers are scheduled to remake The Three Stooges, with Sean 'Larry' Penn, Benicio 'Moe' del Toro and Jim 'Curly' Carrey. Brian Burke does a cameo as Shemp.

HabsFan29 said...

Careygnan doesn't sulk, he just lights up some opium and all's well

Ronan said...

NHL's first star this week: Jaro Halak.

NHL's second star this week: Saku Koivu.


Kinda makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, don't it?

RiRi said...

Brilliant! Wish I could have read this version in high school... The book report would have been written a lot faster.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Clearly I'm still in negotiations given that Jaro is all three of the musketeers which puts a kink the size of Red Light Racicot's five hole in your story.

Must've been the Maneschevitz.

Anonymous said...

can you guys make up with GG and bring back some of that skin? i kind of look forward to that in the mornings...

moeman said...

The Habs can clinCH a playoff berth tomorrow.

gillis said...

JARO= 3rd star OF THE YEAR!! on nhl.com

wv: hypersun

gillis said...

behind only ovechkin and crosby