Tuesday, April 06, 2010

This could happen tonight. I said COULD. It won't. Isles preview and open thread

Well if you can believe it, the Habs could clinch a playoff berth as early as about 9:30 PM this evening, and Jaro will be in the arms of a hot babe by midnight. If you believe all that could happen, I'm impressed. I'll stick with my negativity, thanks much. It's worked so well for me in the past. For the true believers, let's review the possible scenarios any of which would result in an "x" next to the Habs in the standings tomorrow morning (lap dance to HIO for doing the work we're too lazy to do):

1. Habs win + Rangers regulation loss
2. Habs win + Flyers regulation loss
3. Habs win + Flyers OT/SO loss + Rangers OT/SO loss
4. Habs OT/SO loss + Flyers regulation loss + Rangers regulation loss

Hey, one of those almost seems possible! I may be positive. Just for one day. Bring on the 6-0 loss! Wait, what?

OK I've really told you all you need to know, everything else is just filler bullshit. So let me just bullshit some filler for you. 7 PM start in Nassau County. Isles actually playing decent, 6-3-1 in their last 10. Habs have swept the 3 games so far this season. The Isles were mathematically eliminated from playoff contention with the Bs single point last night. I read that last fact over at Lighthouse Hockey.

Jaro! Jaro! Jaro! 144 minutes without a goal, and starting as per François Gagnon. 'nuff said. I don't think anyone else on the Habs could really be described as "hot" per se.

The Isles, on the other hand, have much heat. Tavares 13 points in his last 9 games. Blake Comeau has multiple points in 3 straight games, and Marty Biron is 6-0-2 in his last 8 starts. Someone should fact-check that last one. It can't be right.

Oh, Squid, wherefore art thoust scoring touch? Still no goal since his return, and pointless in 3. CHicken pointless in 4. Markov pointless in 4. Hamr pointless in 5. All of that is likely related to the fact that the Habs are 2 for their last 25 power plays. Blech.

For your post-game adult entertainment, Porn Celebration (very NSFW) would seem like a logical choice if the Habs win and clinch. If they lose, skip the porn and go straight to the self-flagellation.

OK let's do this. And please let the game be out of reach by 9 PM when Lost starts.

103 comments:

lehab said...

So I was at the bowling alley last night and came across a very good omen. Sitting on the counter was a trophy, very similar to Lord Stanley's Mug. Atop the trophy was a sombrero. Immediately, of course, I said to my friends,
" well it looks like the Mexican is going to win the Stanley Cup this year". True story, and I still don't know why the sombrero was there, but of course I had to take a picture, so here it is>>>>

Howard said...

I had to flip my laptop over to make sure that was really Jaro. How could I ever doubt! Can tell Jaro is enjoying his hot streak. Bratislavan bar the door!

L Dude said...

I'd like to discuss hockey, but I'm busy watching darts.

WV (I KID YOU NOT!): klench

In order to help the Habs klench a playoff spot, we all need to klench our sphincters in unison at the drop of the puck.

eyebleaf said...

It's the "Crosby, Staal, Maguire love triangle turns violent" that really slayed me. Well done.

Go Isles.

Boob Gainey said...

TSN asks, in all seriousness, whether the Leafs season was success or failure?

Habsfan10 said...

@ Boob:

Funny that. A successful season to me is a Stanley Cup. I hope that's how the Molsons measure it too, and do everything in their damn power to make it happen. Soon.

kevincrumbs said...

Hooray for an iTuna reference!

hfotwc mentioned in the TMS comments about the McSplooge "History Will Be Made" fake advertisement. If you haven't seen it yet:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEMzM8JNW-U

GoldenGirl11 said...

Just look at the definition in those shoulders from carrying the team.

RiRi said...

As always, top notch work, GG!

Never thought I'd say this, but Jaro is looking fineee...

Go Habs Go! Clinch!

moeman said...

No Flash detected. Now that is iFunny.

ezzeloharr said...

This is one of the most horrible sites on the Internet - and that's what makes it so funny and wonderful.

Thank you GG, thank you HF29, and thank you to the rest of the FHF team for creating such brilliant humour!

Yes, I'm feeling suicidal because of my horrible probability teacher and this site is saving my sanity. Thanks.

lehab said...

I think they should make a "History Will Be Made".... What If Grapes hadn't sent an extra man over the boards?

ezzeloharr said...

@lehab: What about a "What if Tremblay had pulled Roy after the first?"

RiRi said...

Happy B-Day to MOEmaN and Hal Gill!

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Ez
Ouch.

@Moe
Happy Birt(C)Hday!

Habsfan10 said...

I am amazed there isn't a broken record Leaf fan version of "History Will Be Made" asking "What if Kerry Fraser wasn't a traitorous, blind bastard in 1993?"

Answer: You would have lost to Roy, Muller, Damphousse and the rest of the Habs in the Finals, you fucking whiny fuckheads.

ezzeloharr said...

@GG: To be clear, my first rant was serious - your work is astounding and keeps me from killing myself while suffering through McGill stupidities, and I hope it was understood as such.

Basically, I hope the "Ouch" was directed toward my Tremblay and Roy comment.

I think I'll shut up now.

moeman said...

Thnx GG put my BDay isn't until November.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@ezz
Ouch TOTALLY Roy and Tremblay! What if he pulled him and they found a way to work out their problems! No ouch otherwise. Thanks.

@Moe
Hitting the Manischewitz again. Yes. MOEmaN.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Ezz
Wait. If he never left would that potentially make Roy our coach now? Maybe someone needs to get into a Hot Tub Time Machine to see if that woulda worked out for us.

bea.habs.fan said...

what a great pic GG.
thank God those bsalary negociation worked out. I WAS BEGINNING TO WORRY WHAT WITH NO TMS AND NO PIC.

(breathes deeeply and undoes caps lock)

eyebleaf said...

@HabsFan10:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-DSd7sJFrc&feature=player_embedded

RiRi said...

Just heard this little tidbit on the radio: Ryan O'Byrne's nickname is "The Big Sexy". It was given to him by Gorges. Me likey!

Kmaxx said...

What if: Tremblay was never allowed behind the bench in the first place...

GG11 - Your best work yet - Well Done! Jaro never looked so good.

moeman said...

Save It For Us Later

Based on.

Two dozen other Jaro lovers

On GG's tsnPad website

Cry Carey but you don't need your mother

Just hold The Goat's hand while he comes to a decision on it.



Sooner or later your pads give way and you're loss bound

Save it for us later don't run away and let us down.

Sooner or later you'll leave the ice with a shutout

Save it for us later don't run away and let 'WE' down, don't let 'WE' down.



Black hair and seven caps all rotten through

But what can you do?

I don't know how TFS means to act with what he's now got

Bob's thoroughbred plan, went a bit awry


Its Jaro now now now now now now now now now now now

Now now now now now now now now Ja Ja Jaro



Sooner or later your pads give way and you're loss bound

Save it for us later don't run away and let us down.

Sooner or later you'll leave the ice with a shutout

Save it for us later don't run away and let 'WE' down, don't let 'WE' down.


You're RFA, not UFA, Yeah!



Two dozen stupid McSplooge reasons

Why should we suffer through Pee Air

Don't bother trying to explain him

Just hold his hand while he comes to an explosion on it.



Sooner or later Jaro's Pants! give way and WE're clinCH bound

Save it for us later and beat the Isles into the ground.

Sooner or later you'll leave the ice with another shutout

Save it for us later don't run away and let 'WE' down, don't let 'WE' down.


You're RFA, not UFA, a RFA, not a UFA, a RFA, not a UFA, Yeah!


Don't let 'WE' fucking down!

Bonus link for 29. Townsend says the song is one of his Top 10 faves of all time. To this day it is still one of my faves too. Love Pete's live version.

Bonus for me, The English Beat featuring Dave Wakeling are in Ottawa on May 15th and its not even my Birthday!

moeman said...

For fun (and until we can get our iPad's in Canada) copy>paste GG's hot link into the iPad simulator linked in the parody;

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_O53ew12as-E/S7tCJodWlXI/AAAAAAAACKM/HXjXLuehe28/s1600/iPad+headlines+copy.jpg

moeman said...

For you kidz;

Dave Wakeling >The English Beat > General Public > Fine Young Cannibals (no Dave).

One of the best covers ever, done by FYC.

b said...

As a gesture like the theatrical "break a leg" we need a history will be made clip on the Claude Ruel coached Canadiens-Rangers game in April 1970. The one where the tie-breaker was total goals scored and Ruel pulled the goalie for the entire third period. Talk about painful and weird. - But watching Jacques Lemaire put one over Tony E's shoulder the next year kind of made up for it.

HabsFan29 said...

@moe +a million. i fucking love that tune. really pumped me up. and Pete always kills with it

btw, (and GG can confirm this) i wrote the Flash not detected joke SPECIFICALLY for you. Knew you'd get it. Happy (non)birthday!

moeman said...

C'est à mon tour de me laissez parler d'amour. Thanks kidz!

lehab said...

@moe...so jealous.. I love the Beat. Mirror in the Bathroom, Tears of a Clown, Ranking Full Stop,etc.

Should have been "Stand Down Mario Stand down Please Stand down Mario"!

kevincrumbs said...

@moeman: Totally forgot about "Save It For Later". I used to play the Harvey Danger cover on my radio show back in the early 2000s.

Everytime I see one of those "History Will Be Made" advertisements on television now, I can't help but think of the 4000 parodies I've watched on the internet.

moeman said...

@kc, trudat, a good cover by Harvey Danger.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
aunt of GG got the ipad in LA and has spent the better part of toda emailing various tid bits to make
me jealous. Uncle of GG also got one and now they never have to speak to each other ever again.

moeman said...

@GG, heh, I can just picture Aunt and Uncle of GG, in bed, each reading his/her fave iBook.

moeman said...

Habs need to trade with the Isles and get that Matt Moulson kid.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Jacques Parizeau admitted to the JGH. I guess money and ethnics are good when it comes to finding a good doctor. Enjoy sitting in the hall for a good long while there JP.

moeman said...

heh, good one GG. Do they serve vodka shots at the JGH.

WV = fiest, as in 1,2,3,4 ... I love fiest!

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
She'll be reading on the ipad, emailing from her iPhone and playing sudoku on her lap top all while drinking a nice huge glass...bottle of vodka.

RiRi said...

FUCK.

kevincrumbs said...

To add insult to injury with the Blake Comeau goal, but that fucking goal song is atrocious. What is it with all of these teams and their dumb woah-oh-oh faux chanting type songs?

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
vodka for the doctor who gets stuck treating that racist sob.

moeman said...

Very true GG. Funny how JP never got the ripping he deserved for his foul comments/thoughts/words/beliefs.

kevincrumbs said...

Great five shot first period by the Habs in a potential playoff clinching win. /sarcasm

wv: scide. Watching the Habs play often makes me think of sui(s)cide

Kmaxx said...

Ok - WTF!!! - 5 Fucking in the 1st period! What The Fuck! Are we not trying to get in the fuckin playoffs here? What the Fuck!! I'll say ity again - What the Fuck!

Kmaxx said...

All that profanity and I forgot the main word...5 Fuckin Shots! What The Fuck!

moeman said...

Man, outshot 15-5, thats like 3x gord phlegmiller towels full of McSplooge.

Orangeman said...

15-5 shots in the first? Against the Isles? In a playoff clinching game? The only reason I'm surprised is because I was expecting them to blow a 2-0 lead in the 3rd. At least a loss from start to finish, with no effort whatsoever, doesn't involved so much heartache.

I mean, really, would this be the Habs if they didn't clinch a berth on the final day (with another team's loss instead of a win)?

Number31 said...

Habs appear to be allergic to the opposite net...

moeman said...

For 29 and other Gu:)tar geeks.

RiRi said...

You're gonna have a hard time winning a hockey game when the bottom lines are getting the only chances.
Hey, top 6 forwards, whenever you're ready to wake up and start scoring, feel free. It's not like an important game or anything...

moeman said...

1-1!

ClinCH it you fucking Habs!

RiRi said...

Scratch that...

Pleks!!! It's like he's getting more expensive by the hour...

kevincrumbs said...

Playing better now, about to go on the PP.

kevincrumbs said...

Gio! 2-1!

RiRi said...

Gio!!!

kevincrumbs said...

Seriously, Gio scores while surrounded by three Isles AND Martin Biron. Great goal.

moeman said...

ClinCH it you fuckers!

Number31 said...

More please.

moeman said...

nhl.com gives the goal to Gorgeous Gorges?

moeman said...

139 comments to get to the ice cream kidz.

b said...

The players rebel. They decide to have fun and play. Long live fun. Death to the system!.

RiRi said...

4-2 Buffalo over Rangers!!

kevincrumbs said...

Come on, kill this penalty off, fuckers.

moeman said...

I really don't like rds' Habs-hating alain crête. I know he's a Nords lover but this guy has never had a single good thing to say about our Habs.

RiRi said...

Nice hit by Big Sexy

RiRi said...

WTF Hamr?!?

kevincrumbs said...

Great goal by Bergenheim. Made Hamr look like Souray there.

Number31 said...

Hamr you PYLON!

RiRi said...

There goes the whole "protect the lead and desperately hang on till the end" game plan JM hashed out during the intermission...

GoldenGirl11 said...

@RiRi
you've been waiting all night to write that haven't you.

RiRi said...

@GG11 - why yes I have :) *blushes*

RiRi said...

Buffalo 5-2 over NYR in the 3rd...

RiRi said...

The Turtle!!!

moeman said...

Max Laps! Bonus for rds, he's FrenCH-Canadian!!!

GoldenGirl11 said...

@RiRi
I can't disagree.

kevincrumbs said...

Max smiling after a beautiful goal of his own. Ray Ferraro & McSplooge must be smashing desks somewhere.

Number31 said...

RDS s'explose!

RiRi said...

@GG11 - Definitely eye candy.

Feel free to photoshop his head onto some shirtless wonder one of these days...

GoldenGirl11 said...

@RiRi
I'll find some nice shoulders for him. Promise.

RiRi said...

There was no way Laps was passing to Darche

RiRi said...

WTF???

moeman said...

RDS is MaxSplooging.

Tie game.

Number31 said...

I has a sad :(

moeman said...

If the Canadiens earn one point Tuesday night (i.e., overtime or shootout loss), they would still clinch a playoff berth if both the Rangers and Flyers lose in regulation.

RiRi said...

@GG - looking forward to it


Win it in OT, dammit! We can still clinCH tonight!!!

Howard said...

Can we unclench now? I think we clinch with the one point? What crap to give up that goal!

kevincrumbs said...

HOW DID THAT NOT FUCKING GO IN?

kevincrumbs said...

@moeman: Flyers beat the Leafs, though.

Great job, AK. Way to take a penalty in OT.

RiRi said...

I HATE OT PKs...

kevincrumbs said...

Well, good thing it was Gill lying on the puck and not Gio.

kevincrumbs said...

Uh, what the fuck is Max doing out there?

kevincrumbs said...

Ai-ya-ya...

kevincrumbs said...

UGH.

RiRi said...

ughhhh

moeman said...

Lost for words.

Number31 said...

It's never a good thing to go to a shootout with the Islanders. Their young forwards are too crafty...

Howard said...

Wow! We really snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. I hate that sitting on a lead system we play. F*** JM and his f***in ties!

kevincrumbs said...

So does this mean we only need one more point out of our next two games to clinch? I would think the Flyers/Rangers two game mini series means that we don't have to scoreboard watch too much.

Z dog said...

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck ... fuckerrs....


(... and for a moment there I was ready to forgive Lapierre ...)

and fuck you Count Chocula

orangeman said...

Jesus H. Christ, this team. Always the hard way, never just get the job done.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Orange
I'm picturing School of Rock but instead of music you're teaching your kids to speak English by learning all about the Habs. Repeat after me "Habs are a bunch of fucking coronary squeezing asswipes".

orangeman said...

@GG11: Actually, I have taught my kids quite a bit of hockey and have, here and there, even shown highlights. I want to nurture interest and excitement in the sport among my students, so the Habs are rarely involved. If, like speed skating, there is a sudden on slaught of Korean hockey players in about 10 years now you know why.

WV: bragor. Not to bragor, but I have the 2nd and 4th ranked table tennis players in Korea in my school. When they're giving their English interviews in Rio in 2016 I'll be sitting at home smiling.