Tony: So Doc, way back when, I told some people that I was a big Habs fan. And that almost got me whacked.
Dr. Ruth: That's terreeble Tony.
Tony: I know. Everybody in Jersey goes gaga for the Devils. They're also going gaga for Gaga, but I don't undertsand what the fuck that's about. I don't get that broad's style. I mean what that fuck, she looks like the freakin statue of liberty at the Grammys. Then she looks like a credit card. And she's singing with Elton John like she's Tony freaking Bennet.
Dr. Ruth: She bozers you zis much Tony?
Tony: Look Doc. a few years ago I woulda banged fucking Gaga, but my last shrink and I we kinda worked on some stuff. She called it a sex addiction, I called it a freaking gift from Jesus Christ himself personnally gift wrapped to me.
Dr. Ruth: So you would not, ahem... how do you call it - bang Gaga today?
Tony: Oh boy I want to so bad Doc. But I can't. That's why I'm here. These freaking Habs. I'm hooked. I'm doing flapjacks Doc. We win game 1. I mean that's freaking unbelievable and the like and such. Now I'm so gaga about the Habs, I can't get gaga about banging Gaga!
Dr. Ruth: But what makes you think Gaga wants to make love to you?
Tony: Please Doc, don't show me no disrespect.
Dr. Ruth: I'm not sure about ze grammar there.
Tony: Looky what we got here, I'm being mentored by Lady freaking Volkswagen over here.
Dr. Ruth: Talk to me about your sexual problems Tony. You are not aroused by women anymore?
Tony: Doc, don't get me wrong. I'm as hard as a freaking slab of pastrami when my Habs are winning. But after that? Nuthin. I don't wanna bang nobady. Not my wife, not her sister, nobady.
Dr. Ruth: This is extremely serious Tony. It seems your addiction to ze Montreal Canadiens is taking over your sex addiction.
Tony: Doc I want to be addicted to both. Can you fix this?
Dr. Ruth: No Tony. Sex is so much more involving than hockey. You watch hockey, think of it like masturbating. All alone, you and your hockey. Sex however Tony is far more inclusive. Much more challenging. Pleasuring your partner, finding her clitoris..
Tony: Ooooh!!!!! Doc!!!! Do you know who you're talking to here? Finding the clitoris? Doc I INVENTED the clitoris. It never escapes me. That's all I see. Clitoris, clitoris, clitoris. Last week I'm banging this girl and her clitoris is like in hiding from me, like, in a safe house. And I'm like, are you freaking joking? You can't hide from me you clitoris! Don't you go anywhere, I see you!
Dr. Ruth: So how will you feel when your addiction to ze Habs makes it impossible to find the clitoris again, or even WANT to find it. What happens if zis unhealthy obsession with ze Habs gives you ED?
Tony: Oooohhh! Oooh!!! Whadaya mean ED. Like ED phone home? Like what the fuck ED?
Dr. Ruth: If you don't quit zis obsession Tony you may not be able to have an erection.
Tony: I'm fuckin done with you Doc. This stuff comin outta your mouth is horseshit. And if you keep it up they're gonna find every little dwarf piece of you buried in a small hole in Reno, you got that?
Dr. Ruth: Zis hostility is very unhealthy.
Tony: So's the fifth artery that feeds my heart that just clogged up. So what, I'll live. I'd say you're too small to know what you're talking about Doc, but because of my Habs I know that little people.....I'm gonna fuckin cry......little people can do big things.
Dr. Ruth: So what will you do?
I'm gonna do this Doc. I'm gonna do this. This is all I know.
Time: 7 p.m.
Place: Verizon Centre, Washington D. fuckin C.
What if I wanna watch the game in French?: RDS with my favourite fanuch, Benny B. But it's gonna be on TSN with that chatterbox McGuire.
Who's hot: Everything in blue white and red.
Who's not: I'm afraid I'm gonna jinx it if I say his name.
Best thing that starts with the letter J since Jersey: Jaro. I'm gonna get him made one day.
Adult entertainment: Ohhhh!!! Are you fuckin kiddin me? Badabing. I'll smash your fuckin head if I see you someplace else.
So, you guys banging much? Let me know in the comments. Go freakin Habs go, and such.
326 comments:
1 – 200 of 326 Newer› Newest»Clitoris, heh.
GO YOU FUCKING PANTS
Direct your attention to the man in the boat. Way to go Tony.
Pregame happiness: Bulldogs just finished Game 2 by roadkilling the Moose 8-to-fucking-2 and chased away Cory Schneider from his net in the 2nd. He'll fit right in behind Luongo eh?
Also had a shorthanded penalty shot goal. Bwah?
GO YOU FUCKING HABS GO!
Love the 'C' spot (and the 'G'), never fuhget da G boyz.
What? I'm sayin' Gomez, Gionta, Gill, Gorges and all da boyz ...
So Ize needed a little inspiration. Thnx 4, off to bang out a parody.
Go youze fucken Pants!'d Habs.
Also, love da pRon sculptures and da kleenex on da table.
WV = fluser
You watch hockey, think of it like masturbating
hockey and masturbating. works for me
Fucking brilliant!
"Lady Volkswagen" - good thing I wasn't drinking my coffee - or it would have ended up all over the screen.
WV kyjhxhli as in "wonder if the Capitals are going to be distracted the kyjhxhli-like situation."
I'm so nervous AGAIN. Just thought I'd share.
Go Habs Go!!!
Oh RiRi, if only I could think of something to suggest, to help you relieve that nervousness. 29's comment might shed light ...
Like I always was fuckin'saying to yose fuckin' guys - 10 fuckin' shots a period - The Washington Fuckin' Capitals - Fuckin' fugedabadit!
@moe - Gee, I wonder what that could be... :)
RiRi, stop wonderin'.
Man, you guys are hilarious. Best part of my day is reading this blog.
@29: What about hockey, masturbating and meth?
@ezzel - i thought the meth was a given
@29: Methsturbating? Methockeysturbating?
Fuck meth. Have sex.
hockey, masturbation, meth, alcohol and ice cream...
go les fuckzin pantz
Ice cream!
BB has a few too many pinstripes in his suit
JEBUS DROP THE PUCK
can you imagine going up 2-0? is that even possible?
CHockey, where the little men are MEN and the Capitals are...scared!
wv brita wtf I'm filling my brita with Vodkov!
Stop jinxing it, 29!
I am alone with my hockey. larfs. that is good. now go you fucken habs!
WV: actor!
RiRi that was totally rhetorical. it's not possible
@Baruch
Stick around. We may need you later tonight as in Baruch ata adonei...
I want more PleXXXe!!!
Get ready to Habsturbate kidz.
There's things that 'WE' guess
And things that 'WE' know
Our boys 'WE' can trust
That little girl that 'WE' want
There's little lines 'WE' ride
And big things that they show
Sometimes 'WE' think WE're gonna get it
But OV don't do it and that's just the way it goes
I swear Semin won't please you
Won't bulge you no twine
'WE' don't need no Brunet
Just look at McSplooge's thighs
WE've waited so long baby
Now that we're FHFriends
Every Habs fan's got patience
And here's where mine ends
I want more PleXXXe
I want you
I want more PleXXXe
It's playing on José mind
It's danseuse on his mankind
It's taken so muCH time
So why don't 'WE' just let it Go Habs Go!
I really like to try
Oh I'd really love 200 to grow
When 29 tells me he's gonna give me ice cream
Then I tell FHF that I love them but they still say no!
I swear Knuble won't squeeze you
Caps got no fucking spine
'WE' don't need no TSN Panel
Just give me more pie!
WE've waited so long baby
Out in the CHold
I can take muCH more baby
Make me lose CHontrol
I want more PleXXXe
I want you
I want more PleXXXe
I want your love
I want your.. PleXXXe
It's natural
It's CHemical (let's do it)
It's logical
HABitual (can 'WE' do it?)
It's PleXXXual!
But most of all...
PleXXXe is something we should do
PleXXXe is something for me and you
PleXXXe is natural - PleXXXe is good
Not everybody does it
But everybody should
PleXXXe is natural - PleXXXe is fun
PleXXXe is best when it's... One on one
One on one
(4 & 29, bang those bongos)
I'm not your FHFather
I'm just your blogger
Wanna meet my sister?
She is a Habs lover
C-c-c-c-come on
What's your definition of Pants! baby
What do you consider pRonoGGraphy
Don't you know I love Habs till it hurts me baby
Don't you think it's time you sign PleXXXe for me
What's your definition of Pants! baby
What do you consider pRonoGGraphy
Don't you know I love Habs till it hurts me baby
Don't you think it's time you sign PleXXXe for me
PleXXXe for 'WE'
PleXXXe for thee
Have PleXXXe with me
C-c-c-c-come on.
GO
YOU
FUCKING
HABS
GO !
btw is a Capital a bird of some kind? They've being sneaking this winginess into the logo for the past few year... Upside down it looks like a bat.
GO YOU FUCKING HABS GO!
@HF29: If we go up 2-0, we'll proceed to lose the next four in a row. See 1996 v. the Rangers and 2006 (?) or whatever against the Whalercanes.
@Baruch: It's a stupid looking eagle.
I wouldn't bang Gaga. Just sayin'.
moe im speechless. and typing with one hand. bravo
(no) Pants!
I need to shoot that announcer! He is soooo wrong and will contribute to the Capitals' demise. Gimme Michel Lacroix anyday and ten times on Monday!
Gionta!!!
GIO! NICE START!
Take that, Jose!
you suck theo
LITTLE PEOPLE!!!
SEXY GIOAL!!!!!!!!!
BRB LAUGHING!
Ovie's too busy trying to hit things. Now he's hit with a big -1.
WOO!
Also, Ovie looks a little out of control already. This is a good thing for the Habs.
VS guys being big time Jose apologists. He should've tried to just stop the puck instead of trying to make a glove save.
All right, gang, I'm bringing out the big guns here for tonight's game:
I just got back from Venice, where, amid all the wandering canals and tiny little bridges, I found, at the following spot - Google Maps of Campo S. Pantalon - this building, which, if you'll look closely, you'll see is Chiesa de S. Pantalon: Church of the Most Holy Pants
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it exists: the Church of the Most Holy Pants.
Who knew there was such a thing? Not I. But thar ya go.
May its pictorial representation bless tonight's sacred crusade against gli Capitali.
On a playoff night like tonight, What do Saturday night cbc viewers do?
@GG do my best I'm out in the heart of darkness, old East Berlin. But the fucking Habs usually manage to keep me up.
Giannnnntttttt!!!!!!
crazy pace. my heart
Baruch in east Berlin. Makes perfect sense. Do your best.
Crazy pace. My Pants!
Yes. In the playoffs on a Saturday night...CBC shows curling.
@moeman
They go to the golf course to see their Laffs play a game.
BIG FUCKING TITS!
Big Tits!!!
AK SHOWS UP!
Boudreau might want to take a timeout.
LITTLE BROTHER!
you suck theo. buh-bye
Bye Bye Theo!!!
Buh Bye José. We don't want your sex.
Theoooooooo
Tomas WHO?!?
@GG my mere presence here is revenge!
bIgggggggg tittstststst111
Teehee!
Triple fucking jinx betwixt Ho, Mo and 29-o.
How is TSN coping with Threeormore being pulled?
wv: comit.
let's not get carried away there, Moe. Have you seen him without a helmet?
Unlike sex, SOGs are overrated.
crap.
saw that one develop
Bad play, but it's fine. Come on, Habs. Keep going.
ack
FUCK
Told you Eric Fehr worries me more than Ovechkin.
WAY TO FAIL THE BLUELINE GUYS!
Also, turn off the fucking spotlight, you bush league fucks.
1) Finally the stupid LA-SF baseball game is over so I can watch this online.
2) WooT!
3) 2 Gs on 2SOGs. Oh, welcome to Theo's head. Make yourselves at home.
4) They changed goalies? Didn't Budreau say Theo had a long leash?
5) WooT!
That was the beginning of the end.
Goalie change.
Stupid mistake.
Reminds me of the series against Carolina a few years ago.
Caps in 5.
@boob: Meh, still think Caps in six.
@boob, Canes took Saku's eye out back then. Hopin' nothing similar happens here. McSplooge is gettin' ready to bust a Cap in his pants.
Christ, are the VS in the Jose Theodore fan club? Shut up about him already. There's a game going on. I'm expecting them to pull out their telescreen pens and start drawing hearts over his face.
Good shift by Moen, SK & Dominic Moore.
@boob and KC
we're still in happyville. Shhhhhhhh. Habs in 6.
So were getting killed on faceoffs and hits. I'm scared.
McSplooge is the extra Caps coach. Fuck off you fucker.
@GG: I'm doing the whole Boone reverse jinx thing or something.
Caps hit centre-ice with the puck and Phlegmiller splooges.
@GG: Yeah, lest Anon come tell us we're sucky fans. Again.
à
wv: If MAB was an englo, he wouldn't have as many friends on the AntiCHambre.
Ovie with his first shot!
Well, while the Caps are busy hitting, Habs are playing hockey.
Need to win faceoffs :E
If MAB was an Anglo he wouldn't have as many critics on Habs I/O.
Come on Habs, don't give one up before the end of the period.
If MAB was an Anglo he'd have a job at cbc/hnic.
Fuck!
Ouf!
You have to be an ex-Bruin to work at HNIC don't you?
13-8 in SOGs.
2-1 on SCOREBOARDs.
TSN BIAS fucking PRICELESSs.
Nice, NHL Network is showing a thing about the 93 Habs/Kings series.
@Boob, Moeman: Very true. Scarily enough, I'm actually starting to like MAB...
What I took out of this period is:
See what happens when you put the puck on net?! Just shoot the goddamn thing.
Can't explain it. That '93 pic made me believe. Gretzky and Mario played in '93 but our superstarless, hard working pluggers made it happen. I so enjoyed feeling nauseous today. Haven't felt giddy about the playoffs in a long time.
@KC - ahhhh the Boone jinx. He is good at that isn't he.
fuck fuck fuck I better turn on abe hefter
good ovie got his shot now he doesn't have anything to prove this game. We gotta burst larvamob's bubble quick!
meh, Semyon is the 2010 equiv. of the '93 HaHaHrudey.
On Antichambre after last game they spent about 5 whole minutes discussing MAB. They spent like 30 seconds on Plek and Jaro each. I think that counterbalances HI/O.
But man I'm watching on versus and they're interviewing fuckin Feh-r I had to turn off the audio.
@BaruCH, the anti-CHamberers will do all they can to tilt the scale to the extreme-FrenCH side of the balance.
It is their prerogative but they are as bad as the bigoted racist don cherry on the cbc/hnic. (BTW, is hnic on tonight? In prime-time?)
Oooookkkkkkkkaaaayyyy...
VS just had a commercial about hand fishing or something (what am I, a fisherman? I vomit just thinking about boats). Anyway, apparently it's illegal yet they show all these guys doing it and interview them saying conservationists are out to get them. That was odd. And I don't care if it makes me sound like an elitist prick (in fact, I hope it does), but I'm not going to take science advice from someone who pronounces it 'Masourra".
tsn wants a Caps win bad, its in their loins, they want to explode.
GG11: I wouldn't say the 93 Habs were superstarless with #33 in net.
Is this for real? *pinches arm* Yup. Keep it up boys!!!!
W00t! W00t! Bulldogs get a shout-out!
Big tits is finally getting it....shoot the friggin' puck!!
Remember when a PP meant a probable goal, or at least sustained pressure? Or, you know, a few shots.
I'm even more nervous than thursday.
home alone with the TV and the tequila.
they has Theo's number can they find varlamov's?
I meant skating but yes, you're right. Although he had only
one cup at that point and it was 7 years earlier.
GG11: I get ya. I guess it was that year that cemented his superstar status.
@Orange
And Kevin Haller of course. Super. Star.
is our 3rd line tipsy or are they being tripped?
Oh so close Chicken.
Good 2nd period so far. Urologist made a nice defensive play on Morrison, I think. Feel I need to point that out since I keep ripping on the Urologist.
Apparently I'm only supportive during the playoffs.
No matter how this all turns out, this is some outstanding hockey to watch.
@bea - tripped, and Sergei was cross checked from behind. But that's ok, we know the fix for the Caps was in before the playoffs started anyway.
"Ovechkin shoots (breathe in), his shot is blocked by Spacek (breathe out)"
Jaro makes me nervous every time he plays the puck.
BIG TITS!!!
it's a TITS night!
Huge breasts!!!!!!
AK! AGAIN!
BIG TITS!!! AGAIN!
BIG BELOBROTHER!
What a pass!
I wonder how many Caps "fans" just jumped off of the bandwagon.
Triple jinx, Ri-29i-mo-i!!!
Can tsn be less enthusiastic!!!
Ovi is going to lose it now, I can feel it.
PleXXXe and Squid pick up assists. Tomas WHO?!?
No lead is safe against the Caps, so I'm going to sit back and take this all in.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......
I wonder where Bob is watching. I bet he has a minimal grin on his face.
gazongers!!!!!! squidzzzz!!!! now keep it up don't fucken go to sleep!!!
Quad-jinx, add kc-iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love ReeRee!
hopefully Caps are so frustrated, they can't get their asses together.
frustration thy home is the Caps' heads
TSNcomment of the night: Habs struggled to get last point to get in playoff.
what does that have to do with this game? Your excuse for given them no chance whatsoever?
As wonky, wobbly, sparodic the Habs D is, they're totally doing the job tonight. And the forwards are helping them too. Sniff, team work, it's beautiful!
Pleks for MVP. Just saying.
PP time!
Chicken has no luck.
J2!!!!!!!!!!
Jaro 2.0!!!
who's having fun???
4-1! Four to fucking one! What the fuck!?
Jaro 2.0!!!!
I can't stop jumping up and down!!!
Oh and love you too moe!
I'd like to see a reply on what happened with Chicken in front of the net. How did that stay out?
OH NEVERMIND GOAL ANYWAYS!
Oh great, they're going to review this shit.
OMG
YESSSSSSSSS!
WV: pupetry. I don't even know what to do with that.
BIG TITS!!!
wv bighte The Habs have some bight tonight!
o cmon. that's a goal
This shit better count or else I'm going to become a basketball fan and quit hockey.
big tits or humongous melon!!!!
Big Titties again? SpaCH?
wv: The Caps feel very herrased.
Oops it's Triple Tits' goal!!! Hat trick, bitches!
WHATS THE FUCKING DELAY
So how is my favorite group of Habs fans this lovely evening? :)
Nice game so far.
Also, Mike Green sucks.
Seems weird that Boudreau isn't taking advantage of this dead time to talk to his team.
What are they even checking for? Awesomeness?
A triple titter!!!
I am spent and I have yet to masturbate.
lol they were checking if Pouliot had actually scored before.
AK46 got a hattrick without even moving? YES HE DID!
This. is. UNBELIEVABLE!
oy
Oh, they were checking to see if the Habs got 2 goals. Now I just wish VS would have shown that first play.
They review goals when they go in off of their own team?
Fuck! REVIEW!!!! REVIEW!!!!
Damn it! I knew I should've typed that the Habs needed to get out of the period without giving up another goal.
Also, the Blackhawks called and want their goal song back.
tsn'ers feel it move in their pants.
Blow the fucking whistle already!
Useless goal review robs us of all momentum and gives the Capitals time to calm down. The-fix-is-in.
uh oh. that could be a penalty shot?
whew
How the heck was Poti not interfering with Halak??
For the love of God, get out of this period with a two goal lead.
HOW THE FUCK IS THAT NOT INTERFERENCE AGAINST CAPS? The guy totally moved him out of the crease! What the fuck. Floodgates open for Caps can do whatever they want!
yikes
well this is exciting. and insane.
Oh Squid, bad penalty.
McSplooge and Phlegmiller want major DP.
Good second period, but a bit dicey after the long review.
Huge kill to start off the third.
you sleep they score habs!!! you don't have the cup yet fucks
WV. stalega that long review made the habs stalega
Crazy Caps fan with his hand out and screaming as the team went to the dressing room. Not one guy even looked up. Hilarious!
So, useless goal review to kill momentum, no review on a questionable interference goal, total non-call on obvious interference and now an even-up PP?
What did the league say on the phone? "Caps in 5. Do your 'job'."
The dumbest part is the VS guys (and I'm sure TSN and all the bandwagon Cap fans) think they were robbed on that 'hand' pass.
Fuck you everyone not on this blog!
Serenity now. Sex later.
STFU McSplooge.
"They're having trouble penetrating." So's McSpooge.
Ok, I've taken a hit of meth and afte picking at my face and lying to my friends and family, I have calmed down.
Everything else is fine, I guess, but how the hell was that not interference? I'm just defensive of my little Halak. Obviously the game plan now for the Caps is to run him and it doesn't look like the refs are going to step in.
So Washington is now allowed to mop Jaro right out of the net and no call? Really?
Who the fuck is McSpooge? Sorry, McSPlooge.
WOW talk about changing your tune (except for MacTavish) panel in favor of Mtl
McSplooge = Pierre MacGuire, because he seems to be so attracted to players that they should file restraining orders.
You know the reffing is horrible when even the TSN panelers (?) are saying there were TWO instances of goaltender interference on Jaro and that they would have disallowed the goal...
The beauty of no Habs on cbc/hnic is that more Habs-hating fuckers like tsn are shed light on. Fucking leaf loving roaches.
Just caught up on the PVR.
Holy Schnikies! I'm a little too stunned to even be happy right now. How is this possible? Surely we'll get our ass kicked in the 3rd.
They just interviewed HMS Hall Gill who admitted they got a bit 'lacks a daisical' after the fourth goal. He said they're not going to do that in the third period. Big tits got so big their bouncing in off him now.
WV Frine .... umm feeling frine right now
@orange
Going into this 3rd period, I'd really appreciate it if you could please open up a Hearts game.
Thank You.
Wasn't the last play-off hat trick in '93? If so, omen?
Usually I leave the persecution complex to Fox News and my mother, but can't help but feel like everyone besides true Habs fans want them to lose. Sounds like TSN may be evening it up a bit? I wouldn't know, I'm stuck with VS who decided to replay (several times) a Cap goal from game 1 during the intermission.
So the Whale gets harpooned, now Jaro gets mopped.
Hey Habs, score shorthanded. Better? Score on a shorthanded penalty shot like the BabyHabs! Emergency call to JT Wymam for tips.
boudreau is not a happy camper
We've woken them up.
After that goal they just blitzed us. Expect more of the same in the 3rd.
Yes, Knuble interfered on that goal, but it was borderline.
So, we'll see. I smell a 5-4 Caps win
Tits: I was playing, then got all worked up and distracted by the 4th goal (and ridiculous review). Then that nonsense at the end of the period happened. I won't make that mistake again.
epic PK. CMON
breathes a sigh of relief**
Brutal giveaway by Darche :(
ick ick ick
fuck !!!!
of all people to score
That's just plain ridiculous
Oh well ...
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