Tony: So Doc, way back when, I told some people that I was a big Habs fan. And that almost got me whacked.
Dr. Ruth: That's terreeble Tony.
Tony: I know. Everybody in Jersey goes gaga for the Devils. They're also going gaga for Gaga, but I don't undertsand what the fuck that's about. I don't get that broad's style. I mean what that fuck, she looks like the freakin statue of liberty at the Grammys. Then she looks like a credit card. And she's singing with Elton John like she's Tony freaking Bennet.
Dr. Ruth: She bozers you zis much Tony?
Tony: Look Doc. a few years ago I woulda banged fucking Gaga, but my last shrink and I we kinda worked on some stuff. She called it a sex addiction, I called it a freaking gift from Jesus Christ himself personnally gift wrapped to me.
Dr. Ruth: So you would not, ahem... how do you call it - bang Gaga today?
Tony: Oh boy I want to so bad Doc. But I can't. That's why I'm here. These freaking Habs. I'm hooked. I'm doing flapjacks Doc. We win game 1. I mean that's freaking unbelievable and the like and such. Now I'm so gaga about the Habs, I can't get gaga about banging Gaga!
Dr. Ruth: But what makes you think Gaga wants to make love to you?
Tony: Please Doc, don't show me no disrespect.
Dr. Ruth: I'm not sure about ze grammar there.
Tony: Looky what we got here, I'm being mentored by Lady freaking Volkswagen over here.
Dr. Ruth: Talk to me about your sexual problems Tony. You are not aroused by women anymore?
Tony: Doc, don't get me wrong. I'm as hard as a freaking slab of pastrami when my Habs are winning. But after that? Nuthin. I don't wanna bang nobady. Not my wife, not her sister, nobady.
Dr. Ruth: This is extremely serious Tony. It seems your addiction to ze Montreal Canadiens is taking over your sex addiction.
Tony: Doc I want to be addicted to both. Can you fix this?
Dr. Ruth: No Tony. Sex is so much more involving than hockey. You watch hockey, think of it like masturbating. All alone, you and your hockey. Sex however Tony is far more inclusive. Much more challenging. Pleasuring your partner, finding her clitoris..
Tony: Ooooh!!!!! Doc!!!! Do you know who you're talking to here? Finding the clitoris? Doc I INVENTED the clitoris. It never escapes me. That's all I see. Clitoris, clitoris, clitoris. Last week I'm banging this girl and her clitoris is like in hiding from me, like, in a safe house. And I'm like, are you freaking joking? You can't hide from me you clitoris! Don't you go anywhere, I see you!
Dr. Ruth: So how will you feel when your addiction to ze Habs makes it impossible to find the clitoris again, or even WANT to find it. What happens if zis unhealthy obsession with ze Habs gives you ED?
Tony: Oooohhh! Oooh!!! Whadaya mean ED. Like ED phone home? Like what the fuck ED?
Dr. Ruth: If you don't quit zis obsession Tony you may not be able to have an erection.
Tony: I'm fuckin done with you Doc. This stuff comin outta your mouth is horseshit. And if you keep it up they're gonna find every little dwarf piece of you buried in a small hole in Reno, you got that?
Dr. Ruth: Zis hostility is very unhealthy.
Tony: So's the fifth artery that feeds my heart that just clogged up. So what, I'll live. I'd say you're too small to know what you're talking about Doc, but because of my Habs I know that little people.....I'm gonna fuckin cry......little people can do big things.
Dr. Ruth: So what will you do?
I'm gonna do this Doc. I'm gonna do this. This is all I know.
Time: 7 p.m.
Place: Verizon Centre, Washington D. fuckin C.
What if I wanna watch the game in French?: RDS with my favourite fanuch, Benny B. But it's gonna be on TSN with that chatterbox McGuire.
Who's hot: Everything in blue white and red.
Who's not: I'm afraid I'm gonna jinx it if I say his name.
Best thing that starts with the letter J since Jersey: Jaro. I'm gonna get him made one day.
Adult entertainment: Ohhhh!!! Are you fuckin kiddin me? Badabing. I'll smash your fuckin head if I see you someplace else.
So, you guys banging much? Let me know in the comments. Go freakin Habs go, and such.