"Our playoff hopes have been shot ... round up the usual suspects."We now return all the pundits, non-Habs fans, and hockey experts to our regularly scheduled late-season, see-they-were-playing-way-over-their-heads Habs swoon. Fuck.
There is no parade to plan. Higgins scored a nice goal in the first minute, Streit made a fantastic rush and pass to Pleks for the second, and HueT made some great stops to keep the score closer than the Habs deserved. The rest was a dreary and disheartening as waking up to 20 cm of snow in my driveway (again!) this morning.
The Sky is Falling: Erroneous! Erroneous! The sky has fallen. Three straight losses, two to teams who are obstensibly "bottom feeders" sandwiching a blowout by the team the Habs had visions of catching for first in the conference a week ago. Shoddy defending, soft goals against, no scoring from anyone not on the Danse a Dix Line, and mindboggling decision-making. Ankles being broken country-wide as people scramble off the bandwagon. The FHF drinking even more heavily. What happened? Let's round up the usual suspects and ask them:
Breezer: Crimes against humanity. Abuse of own goalie through needless giveaways in defensive zone. Mental abuse inflicted upon fans for lack of toughness, ability to check, lapses in judgement and general, all-around Breezeritis.
Ryder: Crime of impersonating 30 goal scorer. Also guilty of attempted identity theft, pretending to have Kovalev's dipsy-doodle skills instead of dumping puck in and heading for slot.
Gui!: Grand larceny of Guy! Lafleur's chant. A felony to even be considered in same sentence. Wanted for unlawful abuse of boards and glass behind the empty nets he keeps missing. Also suspected of smuggling refridgerator on his back.
HueT: Wanted for unlawful gift-giving, including twice last night and at least twice on Saturday. Stays on the good side of the law more often than not by tendency to save the good guys asses during their frequent losses of concentration, but remains a danger to playoff aspirations if current trends continue.
Koivu: A sad case. Currently under heavy investigation for a number of unthinkable crimes, including not caring, lack of usual dogged determination, and for stealing souls of various linemates with lacklustre performance. Possibly under some sort of mind-altering influence. A model citizen gone bad.
Carbo Soze: Wanted for dangerous handling of line combinations, inexplicable treatment of goaltending situation, and improper use of Greek Lightning and Begin. Allows criminal element to run riot stealing purses and non-violently resisting police rather than making them act like good citizens who go to bed early the night before a game. Seems to have mercilessly abandoned faceoffs on the doorstep of the hockey fundamentals orphanage. Responsible for the continued playoff-murdering rampage of Breezer and Slowinski. Prime suspect in the disappearance of Panger's Boy Chips.
The Back-Door Wide Open Boys: For deciding that leaving a wide open Prospal in front of the net in a 2-2 tie was a wise decision with Vinny Lecavalier holding the puck behind the net, the Back-Door Wide Open boys need to go to jail for monumental stupidity.
The Soft-As-Kittens Gang: Wanted for lack of cajones needed to play NHL hockey against a bottom-feeder team with one legitimate scoring line. Identifiable by their tendency to get beat along the boards for all loose pucks, unwillingness to pay the price to clear the zone, unwillingness to go hard to the net consistently, unwillingness to PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING MOUTH when they spend minutes at a time digging for the puck at the side of the net; would prefer to try and freeze puck like a pussy. Can be rehabilitated if Carbo Soze allows Greek Lightning and Begin to infiltrate their ranks.
Chez Paree Bound: The only place this team is going is on a plane bound for 9th. And Ingrid Bergman caught a different flight.
Next Evil, Evil Foe: The Miami-Dade County Sheriffs Office? A University of Miami co-ed missing her wallet? A rampant Ollie Jokinen? Pencil them in for losses to all three.
6 comments:
Brilliant concept, briliant execution, brilliant writing. Just brilliant, 10.
Prime suspect in the disappearance of Panger's Boy Chips.
good point. we haven't heard from him in a months. we sure could use him
One exception: Carbo Soze? Come on, this guy couldn't carry even Kevin Spacey's jock strap.
Panger it's Kaiser Soze in the allegorical sense. i thought it added to the brilliance. and i could have sworn I aw Carbo walking with a fake limp
About Koivu: Possibly under some sort of mind-altering influence.
Like good drugs or like he's possessed by demons? Perhaps both?
Further investigation necessary. We've got our best stripper on the case.
Carbo was in a barber shop quartet in Skokie, Illinois?? Wow. Who knew?
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