Friday, February 08, 2008

You're Not Cool T-Dot, Not Cool Toronto 4, Uber Trendy Montreal 2

Carey Price was not to blame. The Florida Panthers were not to blame. Rio? Nah..too easy.

The Habs are not supposed to win every game, so no whining here please. This is sport, where you can lose 8-0 to a bad team on one night and reverse your fortune the next. No surprise then that Toronto gave Montreal the old T-Dot (God, I hate that name, would rather enroll in the BME Olympics than say that stupid name again). Stupid, stupid name.

The Habs last night came up with.....ah fuck it!

Really Toronto, you're like that guy in the new leather pants that have been out of style for 15 years. You're still jamming to old Snow albums. You're still patting yourself on the back over Maestro Fresh Wes.

Get over yourselves.

Imagine if Montreal started referring to their city as MOE, like yeah, I live in ol' Moe. Aside from breathing life into a mediocre franchise, I would fail to see the point in trying so hard to make a city sound so wanna be hip. Torontonians, or rather T-Dotters (don't you start, you brought that shit on yourselves), you're giving your city a nickname! What do you think the people out West in VCR are thinking about you. Maybe they're too busy watching old tapes. Or what about the people in the prairies, in the Peg? Or in HaliBerry? Or in New-Hypen?

Yeah, so what if I'm totally using this post to skirt the issue, and avoid the fact that you guys schooled the Habs last night. So what, it's my blog. It's my blog and I'll make fun of Toronto to save myself from looking reality in its dark eyes today. T-Dot, what the hell is a T-Dot anyway? It sounds like a Mr.T Robot from the eighties. I am T-Dot, I pity the fool, sucka...(eighties robot noises...awkward eighties robot movements made even more weird by uneven metallic mohawk).

Yeah, so what Toronto if this post has become totally absurd and that it fails to mention that the Bad Habs showed up last night and couldn't manage to beat the sinking ship. Who gives a fuck about your sinking ship. If I were on a boat and saw a vessel sinking on the horizon, I would grab my binoculars and get ready to radio for backup. But if I saw the words T-Dot painted across the side of the ship, I would immediately stop and say What the fuck is a T-Dot? Fuck that, I'm gonna be late, and go on my merry way.

OK, T-Dot, so what if I'm totally not getting to the point and failing to acknowledge that the only thing that has MOE (you assholes, now you have me doing it!) going is the Kovalev line and that without them we would be competing for best Florida Panther bait. So what? How can I address any of that when your city now all of a sudden goes by the dumbest of names. T-Dot. It sounds like a Hindi bad-ass. Like, no, no Rapeet, you can't do this, T-Dot will become very angry! Please, reconsider your actions!

You're not a Hindi bad-ass, T-Dot. You're a nerdy city, with awkward semi-hugging citizens. You know what I mean. Hey, Jake, haven't seen you in a while...(semi-hug)...Your emotionally afflicted, affectionately ambiguous demeanor irks every Montrealer who tries to give your city a second chance but inevitably comes back home finding comfort in the pulse Montreal charms the world with. Yeah, ok, that and our women are easy.

So what, if this doesn't say a word about the fact that scrambling for table scraps Toronto gave the Almost Conference Leaders a lesson in humility. It makes me feel better to know that my GM sounds like Emmanuel Kant, not one and who gives a look of utter amazement for every word he says. Ever really pay attention to the way Cliff Fletcher speaks? I just want to serve the old man some Jello and throw a Nerf ball around with him.

Sure, I can stick to the facts and say that Toskala rebounded well from an outing that saw him play like a drunken sailor. (Which makes me think that my night seemed pretty promising when my buddy Alex drew to my attention that if Vesa Toskala were knighted somehow, his name would be SirVesa - do they knight people in Cayo Largo?). Anyhow, fuck the Leafs.

So sue me for not owning up to the fact that my nearly first place team is in fact a one-line, power play desperate, one Kovalev injury away from disaster, wonder. Make me. And don't you even begin to remind me that Saku Koivu has to do something besides leading the lead in assfartage. It's my blog goddammit! T-Dot, like trying to curl in Hugo Boss. You're fluorescent yellow, Toronto. Deal with it. Still putting up posters of Samantha Fox on your walls while watching Samantha Taylor. You're Tony Danza.

Yeah and for one night, you beat the Habs.

I don't wanna talk about it.


Vintage HF29 said...

Where can I find these easy Moe women of whom you speak?

Loser Domi said...

(eighties robot noises...awkward eighties robot movements made even more weird by uneven metallic mohawk).

Annoyance levels have NOTHING on this woman:

Dave said...

Holy Shit LD I want to pull my brain out of my ears.

fezworth said...

She's not keeping her eyes empty because she's a robot. She's keeping her eyes empty because her soul has died.

fezworth said...

@LD: Honestly, do you do this on purpose? You and one of my co-workers, you both do it.

How can I work up a good froth of Leaf-Hatred when you're so... fucking personable? You haven't even ATTEMPTED to gloat, just posted (admittedly horrifying) videos. You must be doing it on purpose. It's insidious.

Anonymous said...

It's part of her plan to make people love the Leafs.

Great post although I am not sure anyone that lives here calls Toronto 'T-dot' but I need that afternoon pickup.

On the bright side, someone will take a shot on Ryder at the trade deadline and that might help form a second line.

Or you can head over the Eklund's and hear about how many different deals the Habs are going to make.

Anonymous said...

Our women are easy? Ouch.

Anonymous said...

That's if you compare them to Southern Ontario women.

Dave said...

...and beautiful...and classy....and, and...I'll prepare dinner honey...and I'll take out the garbage, um...right after I finish the dishes....

Ashley said...

hahaha great post.

As someone living in "HaliBerry", there's no fucking way we'd use a dumbass nickname to refer to our city. We may write H'fax because we're too lazy to write the whole thing out, but that's about it.

My mom grew up in 'T-Dot' and absolutely hated the city...says it smells like robot farts.

Unknown said...

best. avoidance. post. ever.

PS. I've heard torontonians (and southern ontarians) call it t-dot for years.

fezworth said...

I'm originally from Saskatoon, and at least we had the decency to be self-deprecating with our nickname.

ToonTown. Yep, that pretty much sums it up.

Anonymous said...

Geez. Toronto = T.O. = 'T-dot'
How far up did those tighty-whities get wedged?

Moe? I guess it makes sense.

Bryan Driscoll said...

33 ought to post more

Anonymous said...

T-dot sounds like an aborted internet address.

Anonymous said...

Dear Toronto,
And all of your diet conscience non-la belle province-eating society.
Here's a healthy suggestion for you.
Go fuck yourselves.

Christ that one hurt. Enjoy it Toronto.

PS the score is still we have so many more Stanley cups than you. (Yes, I'm aware of how childish that was.)

God i wish the word "Toronto" was Indonesian for "My wife got gang-banged by the Kostitsyn brothers."

Die Toronto. Die. And fuck you too Ottawa. Not because you're a mediocre hockey team, but because of your ability to remind me that the Habs can still be one.

What a shitty weekend.