So I had this whole thing planned out about how the Habs were cold, and Buffalo is cold, and well, it was genius let me tell you. GENIUS! So of course today it's a balmy 7 degrees Celsius in Buffalo and thus the preview idea could not be more lame. LAME I TELL YOU. So instead I present you generic preview format #1.Waiting in line details - 7 PM start in Buffalo. Habs losers of 3 straight, Buffalo winners of 3 straight. The Habs actually won the one matchup of the year so far.
Pay your cover charge to - our old friend Dani over at Sabre Kallisions.
Hot sexy Habs to watch - (looking, looking, looking...). Actually PatCHes has a point per game over his last 4. Pleks 4 points in his last 5.
Skanky Habs to watch - many, many players.
Hot sexy Sabres to watch - Ryan Miller may be the best goalie in the NHL right now, and it's borne out by his league-leading stats - .937 save %, 1.84 GAA and three SO. Up front the usual suspects - Roy, Pominville, Hecht - all seem to be playing well. Good solid group of D as well. Face it, Buffalo is a decent team.
Skanky Sabres to watch - unless backup goalie Patrick Lalime plays (a real possibility given the state of Buffalo's opponent), no one really.
On the main stage - we have a return! Big Tits is a go for tonight. That gives you the following lines:
Big Tits-Pleks-Squid
Pyatt-Gomez-White
PatCHes-Metro-MOEmaN
Little Tits-Laps-Dagger
If Pyatt and White are really our second line forwards now, first kill me, but then we need some nicknames for them. We have more lineup news too, as Jaro will get the start. Also, Gill is good to go, but he's going no further than the press box. For Buffalo, unfortunately for the huge contingent of Craig Rivet fans out there, he's injured.
In the VIP Room - Habs PP 24th in the league, while Buffalo's PK is the best. Buffalo leads the league in goals against. A perfect recipe for breaking out of our offensive slump!
Post-game adult entertainment establishment - you should see the skanks at Mademoiselle Buffalo. AND it's near the airport. If that ain't a recipe for a good time, I don't know what is.
Please continue your death spiral humour in the comments
71 comments:
Nothing beats the 1991-92 Sabres Roster. I can't remember if they were a winning team but I loved reciting the roster. Andreychuk, Hawerchuk, malarchuk, Wakaluk, Ray, May, Tanti, Haller, Bodger (we don't need no stinking bodger), Krupp, Ruutu and Snugarud. Still makes my kids laugh. Of course they had Mogilny and Lafontaine so they were probably very good. Not one but two first tier players. Ahhh the early 90's. On the brink of our last Stanley cup. Had I known I wouldn't have gone right home. I would've observed the looting close up.
GG11: Ah, I wish we had known then what we...etc., etc. How great would it have been to know '93 was coming, and really savour the whole thing? If I ever find get that flux capacitor fixed, I know where I'm going.
I've got 10 free minutes.
Nick names for Pyatt and White eh?
- Thing 1 and Thing 2
- The Saints - TP born on St Valentines Day, RW born on St. Paddy's Day
This is harder than I thought. Maybe a line name is easier:
White Mexican Py
The Baked Alaskan Saints line.
*- We could just call Pyatt Tommy like McSplooge does.
Pyatt and White are about the same size, about the same and came out of nowhere (sort of) at the same time. They are like twins. "Pyo" and "Ryo". Maybe some day they will be the Habs answer to the Sedins.
Edit - about the same age.
@JT
Pimp up the DeLorean, I'm coming with you.
Psst, Shit For Brains!, Hurray up. There's a Buffalo sniffing my coconut bra! And you call this a fur coat? How the hell is this supposed to keep me warm!?!
@JT and GG11:
If you two are firing up the DeLorean, forget '93, and get your asses back to 1980 before Irving Grundman picks Doug Wickenheiser over Denis Savard. I still think about the possibilities that Lafleur and Savard would have presented.
Fucking Irving Grundman.
@10
Can JT and I go back and forth? Because if I can go back and reverse any fuck up I'd stop the Muller-Turgeon trade. Yes, I know Wickenheiser was the beginning of the end but it's Kirk.
@GG11:
Don't forget Puppa!
And if we're talking about fixing past mistakes, we should send someone back to prevent Mark Recchi's parents from getting together.
Pie - mmmmmm everyone loves pie....
Laine - Nothing whiter than pure lain, plus the total angloness of his name is screaming for a frech twist.
@David
Puppa!!! I knew I forgot one!! Still gets Psycho in Brooklyn to laugh too. Thanks.
Recchi's parents. Nicely done.
Slutsky traded to Carolina for Heaven.
I got you Bob by Molsonny paid CHer
Bob: They say we're young and we don't know
I say we won't find out until we grow
Geoff: Well I don't know if all that's true
'Cause now you got me, and Bobby I got you
Geoff: Bob
BOTH: I got you Bob
I got you Bob
Bob: They say our GMS love won't pay the rent
Before it's earned, our cap money's all been spent
Geoff: I guess that's so, we don't have top spot
But at least I'm sure of all the things we're not
Geoff: Bob
BOTH: I got you Bob
I got you Bob
Geoff: I bought the team in the spring
I want you to get me a fucking Cup ring
Bob: Yes Geoff I'm sad, cuz Vodkov's down
And if I get tarred, (I know) you'll be around
Bob: Don't let them say your beer's too pricey
I don't care, cuz for TFS™ I'll need the money
Geoff: Then put your GM hand in mine
There ain't no Buffalo or Bruins we can't climb
Geoff: Bob
BOTH: I got you Bob
I got you Bob
Geoff: I got you from Oncle George
Bob: I'm so glad you're not Péladeau
Geoff: Nice of you to waive Jay Leach
Bob: I sent our boy CHip to the beach
Geoff, solo:
I got you, now go fucking win
Get out of the death spiral spin
I got you, don't be a fuckstick
Like brian burke start being a prick
BOTH: I got you Bob
I got you Bob
You got me Geoff
I got you Bob
You got me Geoff
I
got
you
Bob!
@Moe
HILARIOUS!!!
@moe - i actually pictured them singing to each other. outstanding
@anon - I really like "Pie" btw. simple yet effective
@Moe: You had me at the title. Beautiful.
@GG11 & 10: Well, if we could stop the Wickenheiser draft, that would be a help. I'd also take a hit out on Ronald Corey. Little shit.
If we're going back in time we should tell Bob to draft Mike Green instead of our ex-boy CHips.
Then we should go even further back in time and tell Gainey to keep his moustache.
moeman,
That was bloody marvelous.
@JT
If you can handle my company (and vertigo at that speed) I'd also go back for Crosby when we lost the first pick draw after the lockout. And I think I'd like to be at a Hextall game to see him (and his Gene Simmons tongue) go crazy live and in person.
I'd go back to '89 and take that fucking Cup from Calgary.
WV = ching, as in ka-CHing, AKA, The Sound of Centennial Mu$ic
@GG: No sweat. I'll go there with you, if you'll help me get Serge Savard drunk and passed out before he gets a chance to trade LeClair.
And I wouldn't mind bringing back some medical help for Morenz and Vezina. They shouldn't have died the way they did.
@JT
Perfect. You get the car and the gun, I'll grab Mulder, gravol for the car sickness and the condoms for Recchi's parents and we're good to go. Actually it could be a long day, I'll bring a nice lunch. I make a kugul that's beyond. You're too thin. I can tell by your writing.
@GG: Well, if we're passing out contraceptives to potential parents, let's hit Lucic's and Cam Neely's too. Oh, and Brian Burke's. This could get go into the evening. I'll bring a nice stuffed salmon and a vat of wine.
@JT
is there a DeLorean trailor hitch? I'll make some soup for Howie and George, and maybe we should have more than a vat of wine. I'm thinking 100 vats. One for each legacy whoring year. 24 vats for toasting and 76 for forgetting. Oh and don't forget the sedation gun for Hexall. I mean once we're there it would be wrong to let him hurt himself. Maybe we could pick up Jonathan Roy and get them together. A kind of dancing with the stars only we can call it Fighting with Fucking Looney Goalies.
@GG: You could have something with the loony goalie thing. Billy Smith, Hextall, Roy Sr., Roy Jr., Emery, Suitcase Smith...there are tons of them. Goalie Gladiators.
I'm opening vat number one tonight, DeLorean or no DeLorean. I suspect it'll be more of the forgetting variety than the toasting one.
@JT
Vat #2 is chilling. I think we're going to need both. And I'm preparing my wedding dress and crazy lipstick for tomorrow's debacle.
Between the DeLorean discussion and Moe's outstanding parody - thank you all so much for making me smile after a depressing and bleak day.
[sentimentality timeout] It's been a rough month, but I know that I can count on my FHF posters to make me smile... even during shitty days!! [/timeout]
Thank God I'm too busy to watch this death spiral lately.
GG: What? You haven't been wearing your wedding dress and crazy lipstick since October? Mine could use a scrub.
@LG
Hop in the DeLorean and we can go take care of opposing counsel... or your boss... or go back to a day that MrLG thinks he won an argument. Possibilities are endless. Now buck up, put on your best voice and pretend you're having a nice big vereneke at Deli Boys right before we won the cup in '93. And if that doesn't work just sing "I got you Bob" and laugh your ass off a little.
@JT
I was soaking it in tea to get that really yellow color. You know the kind that you're not sure if it's discolored or
a pee stain. I have been wearing the boa and tiara though.
how can patCHes be on a four game point streak if we got shutout last game?
I got you bob
ANOTHER injury? ;)
Well, at least I have the Civil War (Oregon/Oregon State) kicking off in under two hours to keep me occupied. Fuck me and fuck this shit.
nice article
Oh boy, this could get really ugly...
Hm... why am I watching this again? What a horrible effort to follow up with, uh, the previous horrible effort.
DEATH SPIRAL
DEATH SPIRAL
DEATH SPIRAL
DEATH SPIRAL
DEATH SPIRAL
DEATH SPIRAL
death spiral
I know people like to rip on Gomer but what the fuck is he supposed to do with White & Pyatt as his wingers?
Jaro looks like crap tonight. Then again, so does the rest of the team.
I'm having about as much fun watching this as I would if I were scooping my eyes out with a melon baller.
I got in and turned the TV on with 14 seconds left in the period. That was my first mistake.
D
E
A
T
H
S
P
I
R
A
L
!
That was cooler when I typed it out. It was all twirly or "spirally".
I missed the first. Is it as bad as 3-0 sounds?
@ habsss
It's a lot worse than 3-0 sounds.
@habsss: Yes. They're horrible tonight.
Couple of things. I was at TSN and saw the headline "Canadiens welcome F Kostitsyn back into the lineup" and thought "Do they have a brother Frank too?" thinking it was a typo. Then, oh yeah Forward, right. Me stupid.
The Monster needs more heart surgery. Dr. Burkenstein was seen prowling local Toronto cemeteries looking for the heart of Johnny Bower, before somebody filled him in that he's still alive.
Burkenstein is on his way to St. Judes Home for the Aged in North York right now.
That`s it! I`ve had it!
I don`t think I can watch anymore but it`s like a car crash... You can`t turn away!
At this rate, we won`t even have to tank on purpose!!!
P.S. Anyone listen to Team 990 today? They were talking about a rumour that had Lecavalier announced as the captain tomorrow night! Not even Alex Ovechkin himself could help out this sad excuse for hockey team!
3-0. Well, at least I have Tim Connolly in my hockey pool. He should be good for a couple of points.
(checks stats, no points for Connolly)
(bangs head against wall)
@L Dude - I thought the same thing when I saw that headline!
Oh look: we`ve put the "big guns" together (AK46 - Gomez - Cammy)!
God, this team sucks.
Well, it's gotta be over now. Habs only have four shots on net tonight. Pathetic.
Gui and Chips must feel like the luckiest guys in the world tonight.
Kevin it's like it's 4-4 Our SOG to their goals. That's fair I think, considering we apparently have iced a team of fucksticks and retards.
Apologies to all retards, comparing you to this lot...
Death spiral might be a compliment. Death vortex is more accurate.
hey when did bob trade back for last years team? you know the guys who gave up as soon as they get scored on?
I understand injuries have affected our beloved Habs, but this team is completely lacking heart. Although it may not directly translate to wins, when was the last time anyone dropped the gloves? Or even showed some 'spunk'? Other then Moen taking a Roughing penalty after being hit from behind by Rick Nash..
It looks like we have a Bantaam team skating against the Oiler's dynasty.
If Gainey isn't fired soon, he has a piece of the Cross in his back pocket.
I almost envy Leaf fans right now...except for the whole obvious 'douchebaggery' & overall homicide inducing pathetic-ness that exemplifies them.
The first of his imminent hattrick!
Wow, put Gomez and SK74 together? Only took you half a fucking hour, JM.
Gomez and SK74!
All is forgiven! Ha!
Gomez and SK74!
All is forgiven! Ha!
GOMEZ!!!!! *crickets*
Hey, guess what? Gomez's salary is almost reasonable now. He's only get 3 mil per goal now instead of the old rate of 4.5 mil. Well played, Mr. Gainey!
Saku just scored HIS third goal of the year.
For half the price.
I'm not wearing my glasses so I can't be sure but I think that between periods Jaro 2.0 snuck into the locker room and put his Sabres uni back on. Well if he didn't he should have.
@moeman... that may be your best work yet..hate the song but that was fucking brilliant
I wonder if Halak's agent is twittering right now.
Well, in case you'd like to forget about this game and reminisce about the good times, which is about all that we've got at the moment, this error-strewn piece of biased writing still managed to cheer me up a little.
Habs forwards who got more ice time (even strength and total) than Sergei Kostitsyn (1A, even; 3pts and +1 in 5 GP) tonight:
D'Agostini (1A, even; 2pts and -2 in 13GP)
Lapierre (1A, even; 6pts and -7 in 28GP
White (-1; 2pts and -5 in 13GP)
Pyatt (-1; 0pts and -6 in 13GP)
The Czarbo Returns!
Lest we forget, we finished the season we are celebrating the centennial of 2-10, with three convincing losses to the Renfrew Creamery Kings and the Ottawa Hockey Club. http://ourhistory.canadiens.com/season/1909-1910
I agree with anonymous, the team needs some more pure laine. I vote we name the two new 2nd liners 'Latarte' and 'Blanc' (for 'Seigle et Blanc')
We hired the wrong Jacques to coach the team.
jacques cousteau?
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