Friday, February 29, 2008

"Ladies and gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Buffalo Sabres" - Game Preview and Open Thread

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start, HSBC Arena. Who misses the Aud? Habs have won 4 of 6, though they are only 5-5 in their last 10. Sabres are 6-3-1 in their last 10, and are just a tie-breaker out of a playoff spot. Check today's Game Day Skate for the Habs standings situation. This is the 6th meeting this season between the clubs, with the Sabres holding a 3-2 edge thanks to winning the last 3.

Pay your cover charge to - Die by the Blade. I still love that name. Maybe why I've linked there 3 times already. Or maybe 'cause Buffalo needs more hockey blogs.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Markov has 8 points in his last 5 games. Higgins coming off his 2G, 1A performance. Ryder and Koivu both above a point per game over the last 5 games. The old Number 1 line is back?

Skanky Habs to watch - if the old Number 1 line is back, has the new Number 1 line gone cold? Turtleplek has no points in 4 games, Big Tits no points in 3. Maybe the Lesbian Line (h/t commentor stanleybelongshere) of Grabs and the Two Tits will take off? Man, if we had a Lesbian Line the photos on this site would be even awesomer than they are now.

Hot sexy Sabres to Watch - Steve Bernier hot off the plane from San Jose had 2G 1A in his Sabres debut. And Maxim Afinogenov, sidelined all of 2008 with the always painful groin injury, is scheduled to return.

Skanky sabres to watch - goalie issues! While Ryan Miller always plays well against the Habs, he is only 3-3-1, 3.25, .895 in his last 7 GP. And Jocelyn Thibault, is, well, Jocelyn Thibault.

Two million dollars buys you a seat in the press box - Carbo goes with the same lineup as Tuesday, meaning Slowinski sits again, along with Breezer and Greek Lightning.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - it's Friday night. Try and find a real date for a change.

Happy 18th Birthday You Sexy Bissesxtile!

A Happy Birthday to the Pocket Rocket, Henri Richard, born on February 29.

Pocket, go hit the bars and celebrate. You're finally legal!

The Game Day Skate for Friday, February 29th (oooooohhh, let's clusterfuck!)

TMS is killing the bullet points for the uniqueness of this date. He's feeling wacky this morning as he peruses the East standings. The standings took a real shot in the clusterfuck yesterday as Ottawa doesn't rise to the occasion for their new/old coach and loses 3-1 to the Flyers. That gives the Habs one game in hand and still only a point back! TMS is giddy! Now, don't look in the rearview mirror because Boston is only 3 points behind the Habs after beating the Pens 5-1. And they have a game in hand and the same number of wins. Uh-oh. H/t to both Fezworth and Baroque who used the FHF favorite word "schadenfreude" in pointing out Marian Hossa sprained his MCL! Hahahahahahaha. If only it was the ACL then we'd really be happy. Elsewhere in the clusterfuck, Rangers come back to life and get their third win in a row, 4-2 over the Canes. They are tied with Boston, though Boston has played two fewer games. Leafs still 6 points out of a playoff spot. Habs still 6 points out of 9th. Capisce everyone?

There may have been games played in the West last night, but who the fuck cares. Oh, we guess we should mention Brad Richards had FIVE assists in his Dallas debut, and Dallas is really up Detroit's ass now.

Sabres tonight, then Devils tomorrow. Habs could, theoretically, be in first place in the East by the end of the weekend. TMS has heard that before.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Two Days Later: Deep Thoughts on the Deadline

OK, so we didn't land Marian Hossa and we got rid of HueT for a song. Now that the screams have died down, the instant reactions are over, and we've played a game, it's time to take a deep breath and coherently analyse what Bob did and didn't do.

Facts:
  • With Sundin, Tanguay, and possibly Jokinen off the trade market, supply of snipers was severely limited, driving up the price for Hossa dramatically (Econ 101 comes in handy!);
  • Don "don't blow your" Wadell refused to let teams discuss long-term contracts with Hossa, who will be a UFA over the summer;
  • This last fact pretty much assured Hossa was just a rental;
  • Seriously, do we believe we can win the Cup this year, even with Hossa?
Add all this up, and I have no problem at all not landing Hossa. Well done, Bob, in You We Trust.

Now, HueT. I understand that he was going to be a UFA. I understand that you are ready to give TFS(tm) the reigns. But a second rounder? For a (possibly) Top 10 goalie? Just seems like you could have done a little better there. Like maybe a 3rd rounder and a journeyman veteran (a useful one, not another Slowinski).

That's it. Just some calm, rational analysis. We now return you to the quick insta-reactions we've become famous for.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, February 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of lousy Smarch weather...
  • Leafs are hot! Win 5th of their last 6, 3-2 over the Panthers in a shootout, climb one more rung in the East standings. Oh god;
  • New Sabre Steve Bernier leads the way by scoring two goals in their win over Nashville. Sabres leapfrog Philly for 8th in the East;
  • Just in case you missed it late yesterday, scroll down to see the Sens fire coach John Paddock. SLC is orgasmic. Sherry seems more reserved.

TMS thinks he is suffering from post-trade deadline blues. Anyone have a cure?

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Road to First Place Just Got Rockier

Fuck! Senators finally wake up, listen to Senators Lost Cojones, and fire John Paddock. Bryan Murray will go back behind the bench where he belongs.

C'mon, a couple of embarassing shutouts and you give up? Paddock was gold, Jerry, gold!

Habs 5 Thrashers 1 - Mom's Report

HF29's mom went to the game last night, thanks to tickets given to her from a very powerful member of the extended Canadiens family. I think Mom has some dirt on him or something. Anyway, Mom was kind enough to send along her thoughts. Unlike the last time Mom filed a report, these are Mom's actual words, sent in two emails:

Great 3rd period last night, the first 2 sucked.

Yeah, the seats are really good, could see the players faces and maybe recognize a few, but hard to see what's going on in one corner. Two objections I have: most of the stuff on the PA is incomprehensible, and - more important - those bloody ads on TV really slow the game down - just when we get some momentum going, there's such a long break - the players look like they don't know what to do with themselves - once they even dropped the puck while the lights were still on. I guess that pays their bills though, right?

God love ya, Mom.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, February 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of facing a lineup with Crosby, Malkin, and Hossa. Oh, wait...
  • Fuck that Hossa shit. Habs score 4 in the third, Higgins gets 2G, 1A and Price looks like the FS he is in a 5-1 win. Here's the long-form video highlights. And combined with...;
  • Sens shutout again, 4-0 by the Bruins (calling Marty Lapointe!). Habs now one point out of first in the Northeast;
  • Pens outshot 52-21 but still win 4-2;
  • Sergei Samsonov gets both goals in the Canes 2-1 OT win over the Devils. I'm, uh, happy for him?
  • Here's a trade deadline day summary of trades. Note the lack of CH's.

The stretch run is on.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Give it Up. It's Over. Time to Move On. With Tits. Thrashers Game Preview and Open Thread

OK so we don't have Hossa. Who needs him? We've got Big Tits and Little Tits, baby!!! Tits are everywhere. Here's some quick bullet points about the game, we are too tired from the emotional stress of today to do much more.
  • 7:30 PM start, Bell Centre. Habs have lost 2 straight and are 5-5 in their last 10. Atlanta is the same 5-5 in their last 10, losers of 3 in a row;
  • Habs are 1-2 in 3 games (all shootouts!) against Atlanta this year. Huet won the one game;
  • Kovy and Markov still hot. And Ryder - will he be relieved he's still here and we can get on with it?
  • Some kid named Hossa won't be around for the Thrash, but their own Kovy ain't too bad, though he has only 1G and 3A in his last 7 games;
  • Price listed as "cold" in the TSN preview. Ah well. Ha-lak! Ha-lak! Ha-lak!

On that note, let's play some puck!

THE REAL BREAKING NEWS: HOSSA TO PITTSBURGH - HEARTS BROKEN


Nothing more to say.

THIS IS THE 39 MINUTE WARNING!


39 minutes now separate the Habs from glory or "Le Cocktease of le Century".....

Note to Don Wadell's kids: Don't call Daddy to tell him that your sister hid your Optimus Prime action figure. Now's not the time. He'll throw you in the Hossa deal. Daddy's busy kids. Very busy.

Capitals in a Buying Mood: Acquire Fedorov, Give FHF an Excuse to Post Hot Russians

Minutes after fleecing the Habs for HueT, Ted Leonsis opens the bank again and grabs Sergei Fedorov from the BJ's.

FHF was suffering today in the hot chicks to serious hockey talk ratio, so we thank the Caps for helping us out.

Kovy Will Not Grab Tits - The FHF Speculation Hour

Why would the Habs recall Mikhail Grabovski? He isn't part of the team's plans this year. Never heard of that possibility since he was shipped off to Hamilton. But he's being recalled because he needs to be in Montreal tonight, in case he suits up for the visiting team.

If Grabs isn't supposed to suit up and it's totally unecessary to recall a player before trading him, then the idea is to get him to Montreal to either:

a) fill a forward void left by a pending trade
b)become an Atlanta Thrasher

It may also mean that Gainey called Grabovski and left him a message, Grabovski called him back but he wasn't home, and Gainey recalled him. That's possible.

The Franchise Saviour Era is Upon Us!

OK we've had 3 minutes to relax since the last post. We have no problem getting rid of HueT, the issue was getting virtually nothing for him. That's the "WTF" part for me.

What. The. Fuck.

Habs trade The Christo-hole-in-the-Wall to the Capitals for a 2nd round draft pick.

Alrighty, then.

Is He Here Yet? NO? OK.


It's nearly one o'clock in the AM and I still can't shake off that stupid habit of checking tsn.ca late at night in the hopes that a huge "Canadiens Acquire Hossa" headline take me to La La Land (it's this place where they have really cool orgasms).

I have this idea that Wadell and Gainey in town together this week are sitting down at Gainey's pad, cooking some stir-fry and nudging each other, randomly going back and forth on this pending deal.

I can imagine the conversation going something like this:

-Gainey: Don, you have to mix in the soya pal. Gives the veggies some flavor.

-Wadell: Yeah, I know, the sauce gives it that real kick.

-Gainey: You like watercress?

-Wadell: Hell yeah! That stuff is like vegetable Pringles.

-Gainey: You know it.

-Wadell: Love that stuff!

-Gainey: Man...

-Wadell: Just like a big bag of crunchy crunch love.

-Gainey: Hey, Don.

-Wadell: Buddy.

-Gainey: What's it gonna take to get Hossa.

They move to the living room and settle on separate armchairs to watch reruns of Golden Girls.

-Wadell: That Sophia, ha! What a riot. Would you bang her?

-Gainey: Sophia? Nooo...Noop, nope nope nope.

Half an hour goes by. Neither GM says a word, as they both aimlessly watch television.

-Wadell: Hey, Bob?

-Gainey: Yeah?

-Wadell: Ya got any cashews?

-Gainey: Sure, in the cupboard near the fridge. I wanna talk about this Marian Hossa thing when you get back from the kitchen.

-Wadell: Hossa? Nossa! let's watch some Arrested Development, that Tobias!

Another 20 minutes pass as the evening becomes night. No words exchanged in a darkenend room lit by the flashing images of the television screen.

-Gainey: Hey, Don, you think we could discuss this Mari....

- Wadell: Hey! I popped 10 straight cashews in my mouth. One of the suckers almost crept out. No way, sucked that little shit right back in.

-Gainey: Don, you gonna trade me Hossa or not? If we're doing this we've got to do this soon.

-Wadell: Why you spoliling all the fun Bob? I thought we could just hang out together, maybe watch the Princess Bride, maybe thumb wrestle a bit. Why you ruining the party Bob?

-Gainey: Alright, stick out you hand.

-Gainey and Wadell: One, two, three, four I declare a thumb war.

They start to tumb wrestle.


-Gainey: Tell you what, if I beat you, I get Hossa and I'll give you Lapierre and Grabovski.

Grunting, twitching, wrist bending fury...

-Wadell: Hahahaha, ya OK. Lapierre. Who's that, the French Dwayne Johnson? Nope, I've got a good deal with the Bruins on the table, getting Bergeron, or Florida is offering Zednik. My wife loves Zednik. I just want to trade for him so she can ask me "Honey where is Zednik?" and I could say "Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead".

-Gainey: I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Gainey pins Wadell's thumb. One, two! Wadell sneaks thumb out from Gainey's grip.

-Wadell: Shit you're built tough Bob! Smartest player to play the game, is that what they called you? Well you're going down with one of my thumbs over yours and the other one up your ass.

-Gainey: Again, I don't get it. OK.

Gainey pins Wadell again. One, two, three.

-Gainey: OK, we doing this? Can I call the press conference for tomorrow morning?

Wadell runs across Gainey's living room, slides on the wooden floor and crashes into the sofas. On purpose.

-Wadell: Woooo! Did ya see that! What a slide?

-Gainey: Kinda like your team in the standings.

-Wadell: What was that?

-Gainey: Nothing.

-Wadell: Hey! You got a Twister game here?

-Gainey: Don, we're two. How'd you want to play twister with two people?

-Wadell: I can play with three legs to make it interest...

-Gainey: Don! I don't even wanna know what that means. Look buddy, it's getting pretty late. Are you trading me Hossa or not? I've got work to do if this isn't happening.

-Wadell: Trades, trades, Hossa, Shmossa! You're so uptight Bobby! Loosen up a bit!

-Gainey: I don't work in Atlanta Don. This is Montreal. In case you haven't noticed, this isn't Georgia. Habs games aren't a throw in for Hawks tickets, or the opening act to a Daughtry concert.

-Wadell: Hey, I love Daughtry!

-Gainey: Forget it. I'm going after Richards.

-Wadell: Alright then. Guess I'll go now. Can I take the cashews?

Brace yourselves Habs Fans, the calm before the storm may be foreshadowing, of more calm to come.

These Facts Are True. They Are On TV, So They Must Be.

Facts:
  • Marian Hossa's equipment is in the visitors' dressing room;
  • Marian Hossa is not showing up for the Thrashers morning skate;
  • Mikhail Grabovski has been recalled from Hamliton;
  • I am already sick of waiting.

We have no idea what any of this means. But they are facts.

BREAKING NEWS - Toronto Fire Chief Shuts Down TSN TradeCentre Set Due To Overcrowding

Toronto Fire Chief Bill Stewart today announced the TSN set of TradeCentre '08 has been shut down, citing a 2003 ordinance that restricted cable TV sets to a maximum of four blowhards at any given time. The TSN set was featuring every NHL announcer and analyst on their payroll, including a newly-signed JFJr.

Chief Stewart acknowledged this would have an adverse effect on the hockey-mad country, yet insisted it was necessary as death and destruction was imminent. "Especially with Bob McKenzie's waistline, Pierre McGuire's ego, and Holly Horton's tits, there was just no room," Stewart said. "Luckily, these were balanced out by the presence of Darren Pang, so all TSN announcers were able to exit safely."

Jay Onrait, already forced to blog from his living room due to the crowds at TSN, was optimisitc. "Maybe Darren Dreger will get crushed in the rush to leave the building. Punk."

TSN, desperate to fill 15 hours of programming, immediately switched to a replay of the 7th and 8th draws of last week's Scottie's (formerly Scott's) Tournament of Hearts. A desperate nation switched to Sportsnet, and immediately switched back when faced with the prospect of watching 10 hours of Nick Kypreos.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being traded to a contender...

OK is this a huge day in Habs history or just another Tuesday? Atlanta is in town, what uniform will Marian Hossa be wearing on the ice tonight? Stay tuned...

Monday, February 25, 2008

Breaking News: The Sky is Falling (No, seriously)

As if a loss to Columbus wasn't enough to prove that end times are nigh, reports indicate that the sky really is falling on the Habs, or at least their practice facility.

At least the Habs don't have to play 13 home game son the road, like some other former Montreal pro franchises. (Excuse me while I go put on my Vlady jersey and cry over what should have been in 1994.)

BREAKING NEWS (seriously this time) - Foppa Leaves Hot Women, Goes to Denver

Peter Forsberg, despite earlier reports to the contrary, is in fact coming back to the NHL and going to the Avalanche.

If you think this post was just an excuse for us to post a picture of two Swedish women kissing, I guess you know us all too well.

BREAKING NEWS - Trade Deadline 27 Hours Away; GM's Ask Not To Be Woken From Nap

With the NHL deadline scheduled for 3 PM tomorrow, NHL GM's were adamant today in their desire not to be awakened from their naps. TSN reports (actually Jay Onrait blogging in his underwear) this may be the reason for the total lack of any trades at this time.

Habs GM Bob Gainey was fatigued by the ceremony of Saturday night. He shut his door and put his head on his desk and told his secretary that he didn't want to be bothered for any phone calls. He added that "if they have an offer, they'll fax it and I'll read it later. There's no rush here." Rangers GM Glen Sather was seen sporting some fine silk pajamas. Thrashers GM Don Waddell, expected to be quite busy fielding offers for Hossa, declined to comment, instead offering the cryptic "zzzzzz."

Leafs interim GM Cliff Fletcher, unable to participate in the annual trade deadline excitement due to all his players refusing to waive no-trade clauses, settled in with his teddy bear Domi and his blankey. It was later reported this was just his usual weekday schedule.

The Morning Skate for Monday, February 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning on Oscar...

About 31 hours until the trade deadline. Will Bob pull the trigger?

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Habs Special Announcement: No More Numbers to be Retired. Ever.

The Club de Hockey Canadien de Montréal today announced that the tradition of raising numbers to the rafters has been discontinued as of this date. President Pierre Boivin said this in a statement:

Habs suck. No, seriously. I don't know what it is, but whenever we retire a number we play like a Midget B team. Sure, we have to stand around for 90 minutes, but doesn't the other team have the same problem? Fuck this, we're just not gonna retire any more numbers.

When told of the announcement Patrick Roy laughed maniacally, then punched someone.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Wait, the NHL has a team in Columbus??? Game Preview and Open Thread

There are very few events that warrant the absence of a stripper photo on a Saturday night. The retirement of Bob Gainey's #23 is certainly one of them. We would give you a long, detailed story about how great a player and leader Bob was, but we have the feeling Bob wouldn't like that. He's a low key, team-first guy. He probably will be embarassed tonight for the attention he gets. So we'll just say this - he was one of the best captains the Habs ever had, and he redefined forward play so much they had to invent a trophy to give to him. Here's his Legends of Hockey bio, and Red Fisher's memories. That'll do. Let's hear your Bob memories in the comments. Some quick notes about the game:
  • 7 PM start, Bell Centre. The Bob ceremony should start around 6 PM. The game is on CBC, but I'm sure they won't show the Bob ceremony because they'll be having a 60-minute roundtable discussion on whether Mats should be traded;
  • Habs are only 5-5 in their last 10. Columbus is 3-4-3, and coming off a shootout win in Ottawa;
  • Your cover charge goes to Bethany's Hockey Rants. One of Hockey's Ladies of Greatness, Bethany knows way too much about hockey to be stuck in Kentucky;
  • Kovy is always hot it seems, with 7 points in his last 3 games. Markov has 6 points in 3 games;
  • Rick Nash is the only Blue Jacket that matters, though Fedorov and Peca may argue;
  • Gui! now pointless in 11 games. The Christo-Wall is a bit off lately too;
  • Welcome back, Ron Hainsey!
  • Carey Price faces Pascal Leclaire. Fuck, Québecois goalies always do well in Montreal, especially ones with 2.17 GAA, .922 save % and 8 shutouts;
  • Looks like Bégin will play, after sitting out Thursday with the dreaded groin injury. No other word on the line-up.

K let's rock 'n roll! In Bob We Trust.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Ovie and Markov are BFF's, Like Drinking and Hookers

This photo has been circulating around the interweb tubes this week and we'd be remiss if we didn't post it here. I don't know where it was taken, I don't know what the context was, I don't know if in fact the two blonde women are hookers (but damn they look like classic Russian hookers to me, not that I would know of course).

What I do know is that Ovie looks like he's about to puke, Markov looks like he's about to get jiggy, and the two ladies look happy to be there. Oh, and you'd think that with $124 mill, Ovie could afford some new jeans.

(h/t to HFBoards)

The Morning Skate for Friday, February 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of someone videotaping you masturbating...
  • Where's your miracle comeback now, Habs? Well, it was there for a while and then POOF! Habs lose 5-4, now in 5th place. It's a fine line between love and hate, kids. Or between first in the conference and working to make the playoffs;
  • At least the Leafs are embarassing;
  • Sens lose to Columbus in a shootout. Steve Nash and Sergei Fedorov scored. Wait a minute, Sergei Fedorov is still playing? Oh right, in Columbus.

Here's a Friday good times video for you, the Habs 1993 Stanley Cup run. Highlights include a couple of OT wins and Barry Melrose's mullet:

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Time To Move On - Pens Game Preview and Open Thread

Ok, kids, Tuesday was Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Enough with the basking in the glory of the Greatest. Comeback. Ever. In case you didn't notice, Habs played for shit for 35 minutes on Tuesday. We had goalie issues. And also in case you didn't notice, our opponents tonight are just as hot as the Habs. Time to wake the fuck up on get on the ice. You're only as good as your next game.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start at the Bell Centre. Habs 6-4-0 in their last 10 and on a four-game win streak. Habs have not won five straight this year. Pens 6-3-1 in their last 10 and just two points behind the Habs, and also coming off a big comeback win on Tuesday. Habs are 2-1 against the Pens this year, though Pens won the last one with a shutout.

Pay your cover charge to - The Pens Blog. I love those guys. They are just like us. Re their comeback win on Tuesday: "After two periods, the Pens weren't making the playoffs. After three periods, Evgeni Malkin was in the driver's seat for the Art Ross Trophy, and the Pens could smell first place in the Eastern Conference."

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Michael Ryder, this space is yours for the first time this year. We'll miss you, you whacky Newfie when you're in Calgary, Atlanta, or wherever.

Hot sexy Pens to watch - Malkin, Malkin, and more Malkin. No Sid? No problem. With 27 points in the 14 games since Hockey Jesus went down, Evgeni takes over the NHL scoring lead with 79 points.

Skanky Habs to watch - Gui! now pointless in 10 games.

Skanky Pens to watch - Jordan Staal pointless in 3 games, Maxime Talbot 1 point in his last 7.

Not dancing due to too much Rev and blow - rumours early in the week that Sid would be coming back tonight turned out to be unfounded. Habs pretty healthy (knock wood), still no word on the lineup tonight.

Post game adult entertainment establishment - head out of the Ste. Catherine Street ghetto for a change and go to (BIG NSFW warning here) l'Axe on St. Denis. I'm embarassed to say I've actually never been there, even though I've heard good things and always wanted to go. Who's up for it?

K, let's hear your dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments.

Useless Alert! Hossa Being Fitted for Canadiens Jersey and Genitalia Protection

-Mr. Hossa, do you wear it to your left or to your right?
-Well, I shoot left.

La Presse is reporting that the Canadiens have ordered a new uniform for Marian Hossa, which obviously means he's on a plane to Trudeau (YUL) as we speak. He just craved the idea of partaking in hot He-Man love to the tune of the comeback of the century that we reported on yesterday.

It has also been said that he was seen in a supermarket yesterday buying potatos and cheese, which in no doubt signifies that he is learning how to make poutine, which means he's buying a house in St-Eustache.

Reports are also coming in that Hossa spent the weekend watching Amélie Poulain and old François Truffault movies, which illustrates nothing less than his determination to learn the French language and teach it during the summer to Slovakian immigrants.

News is also trickling through that the Habs have requested that Montreal equipment trainers retrieve old Marcel Hossa jerseys in case the order fails to ship on time. This after the elder Hossa informed the team that he always dreamed of playing in his brother's sweaty clothes. Now that's beautiful.

Hossa was also seen eating his food with a spoon which of course means that he is learning Québécois "Rigodon" folk music and mastering the skill of spoon playing. Personally, that's what convinced me that a trade was imminent.

Hossa also made love to his wife recently meaning that he is learning the ways of the warm blooded Québécois.

Reports also coming through the news feed that Hossa was responsible for yersterday's lunar eclipse, which means the deal in Montreal is a lock.

Based on these solid leads, there is no doubt that Hossa has already been traded to Montreal and that Bob Gainey has made arrangements to have Marian's sweater retired on March 18.

La Presse, come closer. Do me a favor and leave the scoops to my friends Ben and Jerry.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, February 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of landing an impact player before the deadline without giving up too much...

Pens tonight. Let's hope the fans can keep up the energy from Tuesday.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Impossible is Made Possible - Habs 6, Rangers 5 (SO)


This post is coming to you a bit later than usual because I haven't moved since Jaromir Jagr lost the puck on the shootout in front of Cristobal Huet's crease. I have sat stunned, motionless. My family has come down to the basement to get me into fresh clothes. They try to indulge me into eating something. Maybe wash and shave the growing beard that is slowly appearing on the contours of my face. I'm lost in a daze, frozen in disbelief. Maybe I'll move. Maybe one day.

For the moment I have to acknowledge that in over 25 years of watching hockey I have never seen Montreal involved in a more remarkable regular season game. This isn't the incredible 10 straight wins in overtime that vaulted the team to championship glory in 1993. It's not the improbable 1971 comeback against the Bruins that saw the Habs trailing 5-1 in the second period, only to roar back and win the game 7-5, eventually defeating Boston and winning the Stanley Cup. But for whatever it wasn't, it was fascinating. Just incerdible to watch.

I think the best way to sum this game up is by way of analogy my fellow male brethren may comprehend all too well.

Ranger goal: 1-0 - You get into a nightclub on a Saturday night. You've been looking forward to this night for a while. But you just don't feel right. You should have gotten that haircut, you know it now. Your shirt's a bit off. Maybe you should have worn a belt, your pants are sagging and contributing to an overall feeling of droopiness.

Ranger goal: 2-0
- Your dance moves are definitely off tonight. No rythm whatsoever. Do you revert to the running man? No, no of course not , dammit! That garlic bread should have stayed on the plate where it belonged. Crap, this wasn't the feeling I had hoped for. There's still time to turn this around. It's only midnight. Three more hours to go.

Ranger goal: 3-0
- I can't believe it's already five past midnight. What the hell is happening to my mojo? You go to the bathroom and find that the hair on your head has opted for the pubic look. It looks like a cross between Little Richard and Paul Giamatti. You apply the old water to flatten trick to no avail. You'll have to live with it. But it's dark out there so maybe the girl you've been eying with the revealing décolleté won't notice it.

Ranger goal: 4-0
- Décolleté definitely noticed the thing your hair has been doing all night. She looks at you from afar and can't resist a chuckle. You are too clueless and off your game tonight and mistake her mocking for flirting. You go over to her like the pending catastrophe that you are. You offer to buy her a drink and order two vodka sodas from the bartender. Her look of confusion doesn't tip you off in the least.

Ranger goal: 5-0
- The bartender returns with your bill and tells you your credit card has been declined. You forgot that your rent cheque had gone through leaving you with 1.23$ in your account - savings. Beads of sweat start to form on your forehead as you realize that your night has just collapsed in total misery.

Habs goal: 5-1
- You look so wounded and pathetic that Décolleté girl takes the bar tab and pays for the drink. She laughs at you and says "Put all your money in those RRSPs, didn't you?" and turns away. She said something. She said it to you. Can you say anything to respond? Anything? "Nah, not married, no need for RSVPs". Her look of confusion grows larger still.

Habs goal: 5-2
- Totally unaware of the retarded comment you just made you decide to press on. Décolleté girl appears constricted, wanting some space and generally unresponsive. She's now got her back turned to you and there's really nothing you can do but sip on that drink. Slowly. If only you could have a cigarette like days before which allowed you to look like you were doing something besides feeling like a total moron. At least it made you look like you felt cool. In those days, it made you look occupied. But you notice that Décolleté girl hasn't left your side. She could have.

Habs goal: 5-3?
- Décolleté girl is dancing at the bar with her friends. She hasn't said a word to you since you offered her your RSVP advice. You don't know what to do with yourself. Screw it, I'm going for the Running Man. You gauge the space required to launch into such acrobatics and, after careful calculations, you move into a full Running Man, oblivious to the fact that the DJ is playing Fergie's Big Girls Don't Cry. The contrast makes you look ridiculous. Décolleté turns around to see the folly that is unravelling behind her. Slowly you hear mounting laughter and cheering in the crowd. Decolleté girl draws inspiration from the crowd's reaction and begins to view you in a different light; sure you smell like garlic and your hair looks like Carrot Top's after chemotherapy, but you have personality, you've got something.

Habs goal: 5-4!
- Décolleté girl follows your lead and lets herself go. You're totally riding the crowd's support. You've got them all doing the Running Man. She's dancing with you unaware of time, the people around her in the Running Man, despite it being a dead dance and all. She's just looking at you. She moves her arms around your neck and lunges in (is this starting to feel like a Penthouse letter?) to show you what dancing is really all about.

Habs goal!!! 5-5!!!!-
Décolleté girl is grinding you on the dance floor like lean beef. She's all yours tonight. You know it, she knows it and so does everyone else in the room. You're panting your garlic breath all over her and she's wondering if you have any more of those rasberries with you; you can do no wrong. The bar breaks into WOOP! There it is! It's only a matter of time.

KOIVU GOAL - HUET STOPS JAGR HABS WIN 6-5!!!!!!!! -
This has to be the best sex you've ever had. You guys have been going at it in your room for over seven minutes. Her legs are kicking up on your HE-MAN posters. By the power of Greyskull, you say to yourself, out loud, this has to be the most improbable night of your life.

I almost missed it to watch PBS

HabsFan33 is gonna be along soon with your full game review. I just wanted to share this anecdote about the miracle comeback last night.

So it was the second intermission. I wasn't really paying attention to the game anymore. Sure, the comeback had started during the second, but I really didn't think it was possible. I know this team (or thought I did) - they don't have the character to come back from 5-0 down. Especially to the fucking Rangers. Especially when we're not getting clutch goaltending. We're fucked I thought. So I changed the channel.

I was flicking around the channels, looking for something else to watch. All that was on was American Idol. I prefer root canal to American Idol. Then I thought to myself, I know, I'll watch the PBS Nova about the genius apes I had just PVR'd. My PVR captures all PBS documentary series - Nova and American Experience are my favourites. And I like strippers. I'm a renaissance man.

So I settle on the couch, get ready to fire up the PVR. But I say to myself, let me just check the score, see how many more the Rangers have scored. I turn over to RDS just in time to see the 3rd goal. Before I could say to myself, "hmm, maybe we can do this," we had scored the fourth goal. I obviously watched the rest.

I can watch Nova tonight.

Here's the long-form highlights if you want to relive it. I know I do.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, February 20th - Special Heart Attack Edition

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the greatest comeback in Habs history. Only it wasn't a dream, it was REAL...

Other things may have happened in hockey yesterday, but TMS didn't notice. More later today.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

The Kids are Hot Tonight - Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

Do I show my age when I make a Loverboy reference? I think so. Anyway, we've got a very hot Rangers team coning in to the Phone Booth tonight. I guess the Habs are hot too, considering we are tied for the most points in the East. I'm still not convinced of course. I'll be content with the Habs play when I'm dead.

Wating in line details - 7:30 PM start, Bell Centre. Habs have won three straight. Rangers are 8-3-1 in their last 12 games, 3-0-1 in their last four. This is the fourth and final meeting this year. Rangers have won all three so far, including the nightmare Super Bowl Sunday giving up five straight goals that yours truly had to sit through.

Pay your cover charge to - our old friends at Blueshirt Bulletin. Ah, the good old days of FHF when we were hated throughout the tri-state area. Good times.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - TFS(tm), 3-0-0, 1.32, .963 during the win streak, earning him third star of the week. Markov and Kovy have 4 points each in the last 2 games. Saku and Ryder both scored on Sunday; the end times are upon us.

Hot sexy Rangers to watch - both goalies are sharp. Lundqvist 2-0-0, 1.00, .967 in his last 2, Valiquette 2-0-1, 1.00, .960 in his last 3. Yikes. Straka, Drury, and Gomez all getting points lately.

Skanky Habs to watch - Gui! doesn't have a point in nine games. He's wasting great play by his linemate Mad Max lately.

Skanky rangers to watch - n/a.

On stage tonight - Price gets the start. Still waiting for the decisions on everyone else.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - let's get into the car (or a cab) and head over to les Amazones. A little out of the way, but it's not too far, and well worth the trip. Usually alot of fine dancers, good value, good times. And if you're there 'til the wee hours, make sure to stop by Picasso's just upstairs for a huge cheap breakfast.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the end of the Castro era...

Blueshirts in town tonight. They are a mere 5 points behind the Habs in the standings. No one is safe in the East.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Glass Halak Empty or Halak Full?, 1st game: Habs 1, Flyers 0, 2nd game: Habs 5, Flyers 3


First the no-nos.

No talks about sweeps here. Save the brooms for the playoffs children. Call this one exactly what is was: two wins in a regular season home and home.

Also, no talk about the Habs being in first place in the East. If the playoffs started today, they would be in fourth, Leaf fans would be consoling themselves in homosexual hugs, and I would still want to have sex with Beyonce.

Interesting thing today is that despite these two wins over Philadelphia and a hard fought four points taken from an important conference rival, Habs fans seem overly cautious, glass half emptyish. Gagné was out, Hatcher was out, Koivu seems shackeld, the power play is fizzling, yada yada.

In the spirit of this rampant pessimism in Montreal, we thought it best to have the two weekend games reviewed by the only person with ties to this city that has any reason to hurl invective at the Canadiens.

The game reviews as seen by Montreal Canadien third string goalie, Jaroslav Halak:

Mantreal Canedien facking assholes. They play like crep. Two big weens this weekend heh? Fak you. They are just lacky teem with no talant and terrible kepten. Koivu look like bug. I crosh him like litel ant.

Maybe I no talk like thees if Canedien dont treet me like manky shit. Last year, I play stending on my head in Hemilton weech look like public toilets in Prague. Nathing to do in this stupid city but masturbate. I do it much. I like to do it. Eneyway. I play like rock star all year in smelly Hemilton and Bulldag gonna make playoff. Then I see that Cristoball Hueet (do I say the T or no?) get hurt in penis and Davide Aebercombie have to play all games in important playoff putsch, sorry, push. Aebercombie play like aborted donkey and Mantreal have serious problem to no make playoff.

Ring ring, my phone rings and now my meneger tell me to go to Mentreal. I so heppy to go out of this crepy Hemilton that I urinate on hotel room bed and in Hemilton city hall. Maybe made white pee too. I don't remember. So I go to Mantreal, and I stand on my head for first game, then second one, and I do this many time.

I look in peper in morning and every days I see Mentreal in higher place on the peper then the day before. I ask myself if the meneger of the peper have to make top of page longer because Mentreal go higher on page everyday. What if no room? Meneger of peper not call me back.

So I play good for 2 manths in Mentreal. Sometime coach tell Aebercrombie to play and he make shit in net. So they tell me to play for good. In my time in Mentreal, I started see Cristoball in dressing room. His penis getting stronger and bigger so i got scared about he going to my net and not me. I also no want to go beck to Hemilton where I make pee. So on last day of year I see Cristoball in room. He penis look good. Really good. Coach say, hey cristo good penis! you play tonight in Torronto.

I say no coach! Big game! I want to play Torronto! Coach say Huwet have good penis and he have to go in net. But that I needed to help Hemilton to win cap in playoff. I watch game form bench in Torronto. Huewet make very big poop and Mentreal don't have playoff. People in crowds with Mentreal sweter say they kill our children. Coach put knife to Kovalev throat. Big mess. I say, I no like Mentreal, I miss Hemilton. Want to make cap win there.

I go back to Hemilton after getting screw fram Canedien. Bulldag, my team all the year. I arrive in dress room and i see big man putting pads in my place in room. I say to him, Hello big and quiet boy, please move, this is my place. So then then coach who hear this tell me, no no, Jaroslav, this is new goalie, Cari Price. He play here now. He play tonight and every game. You just practice and make stew for team.

I not play one game in playoff. We win chempionship and I dont do anything. Facking Price do everything and even make lav to my girlfriend.

So now this year I say maybe Mantreal will trade me. No they keep me in Hemilton and ask me to play well. Price in Mentreal, not me. But he make some shit in net and I go to Mentreal to help. I dont play even one game, only help twice when Hwet have penis problems. I go beck to Hemilton when Price play good.

Fak you Mentreal. I saw games with Filadefphia. Ypu play like shits.

1st game

In Mentreal you only score one goal. You loozers. Stupid Kartstitsoon score on back like clown. Very ugly goal. Nitoomackee bad in net. Price play alone in thirs period with two minute 5 on 3. He stop everything because lacky. No talent, just bad Phladelfia with no talent. Mentreal play bad. Look.

Kovalev: 0 goals
Koivu: 0 goals
Plekanc: 0 goals
Ryder: eat pupcorn
Begin: 0 goal
Higgines: 0 goals
Price: 0 goals
Latendresse: 0 goals
Lapierre: fat and 0 goals
Kostopoo: 0 goals and 1 soupena
Oburn: 0 goals
Markov: 0 goals
Hamerlik: 0 goals
0 goals, 0 goals. So bad.

So now you give yourself blowjab because you win and you happy. But you play so bad because you only score one clown goal and everybody in Flodelfia no play because hurt penis.

2nd game

In Pheelie, Merntral you think you gonna win again because you so tuf. Ha! You play so bad. Plekanec make very bad pass from backhand in back of net and he sooo lacky Kovalev stay in front of net and score ugly goal. Then big Phieeladephia score so quick becase you so bad. Price is weak like lady bug with maltiple sclerosis. Then Mantreal you score again lacky goal because Josh Gerogie so pussy no want to fight. He no fight and then Boiullon score goal alone becase everybody in phladlehia players stay behind to fight like men. But no! Gierogie is so woman he no fighjt and Mentreal sneeky player continue to skaet like cowards and score goal alone. Shame on you Mentreal to play like Romanian gypsies.

Then Philadefia no want to play the pussies no more and just skate for two periods to just finish game. so Mentreal score more goals. Even one with Neetomakee on bench and nobady in Philoodephia net! Hahahaha! That no count! Then with game almost finish Price make a big crap and Philadephia score and I think they should win game becaase they score last.

You not in first Mentreal, only four because top 3 is for men teams, you are woman team.

If you make playoff don't call me if Hwet have hurt penis, I won't come back. I will win trophy in Hemilton. I go drown Yan Danis now.

There you have it folks. A wounded man with his wounded pride, incapable of acknowledging that Montreal had a pretty good weekend. First place, almost.

The Morning Skate for Monday, February 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of declaring your independence...
  • Nice little weekend, eh? Habs sweep the Flyers home and home, now have the same number of points as Ottawa (we are NOT in first. TMS is a stickler for tiebreakers). More later today;
  • Penguins keep pace with a 4-1 win over Buffalo, AND Sid the Kid is progressing faster than expected;
  • Red Wings lose their sixth straight, to Dallas. Insert Mickey Ribs joke yourselves, I'm in too good a mood to complain.

Plan the parade.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Mr. Price, you're wanted in the VIP Room again - Phlyers Game Preview and Open Thread

With all the talk about the Big Tits goal last night (scroll down), we also must acknowledge and celebrate TFS' career shutout #1. Yours truly was there, and I can tell you he earned that baby. Just sick work when the Habs were two men down. Here's to many more! No pressure, kid. For your reward, you get to play again tonight. Besides Carey starting, here's the bare minimum you need to know about the back-end of the home and home:

  • 7 PM start, Wachovia Center;
  • Habs now two points out of first in the East. Crank up the hype machine again. Of course, the Devils (remember them?) are also only two points out of first, and Pittsburgh ain't far off either;
  • Flyers are now losers of six straight, and five straight to Montreal overall, which includes three in Philly;
  • Mike Boone reports some lineup changes - Slowinski and Greek Lightning are in the press box, Bégin and Ryder(!!) take those spots. C'mon Mikey, raise your trade value!

Does a Sunday night Habs game feel weird to you? Discuss.

Big Tits Brings You " The ORRVECHKIN" tm



Andrei Kostitsyn, aka Big Tits, showed us that you've always got a bit of room left for imagination when you're on your back and seemingly out of the play. As Don Cherry would say: "Remember that kids, never quit on the play. Also kids, remember those stupid Europeans and their visor wearing mothers can all go to hell. I'll piss pints of blood out of my flailing penis before I ever give kudos to those soft defecting pussies."

If the Ovechkin goal marveled us live, the Big Tits goal did need a replay for us to understand the genius required to adjust so quickly to what 99.9% of the players in this league would have deemed a dead play.

The Ovie goal (this Alex the GR8 - terrible nickname ..."remember kids, ya can't trust those bloodsucking communists" - shut up Don) is a thing of immediate beauty.

If Ovie had a backhand in creating Big Tits' amazing goal, you can't overlook THE goal scored by THE man who with this legendary play, wrote the book on the meaning LEAP OF FAITH.

Now, here's the link to Big Tits' latest oeuvre d'art. We did need the replay to deconstruct this play that unravelled too quicky for people at home to comprehend.

There you have it, Half Bobby Orr leaping to score the Stanley Cup Winner, half Ovie tucking it in with a rolling backhand.

The Orrvechkin.

No need to choose here. They are both fantastic plays. Ovie definetley laid out the canvass for Big Tits to paint on. 3 incredible goals by Andrei, and counting. Keep them coming on your back, Andrei. Uh, wait a minute...

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Collapsing Habs vs. Collapsing Flyers. WHO YA GOT? Game Preview and Open Thread

In honour of Christmas Ape from Kissing Suzy Kolber being Weekend Daddy over at Deadspin, we, uh, borrow his awesome WHO YA GOT? format for the big weekend home and home (game one tonight at 7 PM at the Phone Booth). We've got two teams in the midst of collapse, so WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Montreal Canadiens____Philadelphia Flyers

Aptly Descriptive Team Nickname

Nos Glorieux____Broad Street Bullies

Kick-Ass Team Bloggers

Open your fucking eyes____The awesome ladies of flyers.femme and eager to go psycho. You know, for a blog that objectifies women, FHF sure has alot of women readers and friends. Discuss.

Cause of Collapse

February____Curse of Danny Brière for choosing Philly over Habs

Franchise hopes pinned on

The Franchise Saviour (tm)____Bob Clarke's untimely death

Reasons to Hate

Jealousy over 24 Stanley Cups____We'll give you Ten Reasons

Fans known for

Booing team for not showing up____Booing anyone who shows up

Finishing Move

Blowing lead in 3rd period____Anything that gets a suspension from the league

Alright let's do this thing!

Friday, February 15, 2008

Top 10 Reasons to Hate the Flyers - Because Our Top 1000 Would Take Too Long

If only that era was truly over....

The FHF is proud to present part 2 of a 31 part series (don't think you're getting off easy just because you don't have franchises, Quebec and Hartford): Top 10 Reasons why all hockey fans – not just Habs’ fans – should hate the Flyers.

Many NHL franchises have immediately identifiable characteristics: the Canadiens’ will always be the Flying Frenchmen (even when they score at a soccer-like pace); the Oilers are young and fast, the Devils defensive and boring. Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Flyers have staked a reputation of goonish thuggery and have too often given the league a figurative and literal black eye.

10. Center Bobby Clarke might be a Hall of Famer, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a gap-toothed goon who believed winning was the only thing, to the extent that other players' safety was utterly irrelevant. Shooting pucks at goalie's heads to 'intimidate them' (back when helmets were not what they are today). The ultimate example being the vicious slash on Valery Kharlamov in the Super Series, breaking the Soviet star’s ankle. Just mind-boggling, cowardly, misguided hatred. He should be an embarrassment to all Canadians, not an idol.

9. Cooperalls, circa 1981-82. Those ugly one-piece pantleg things from the early eighties were a fashion crime against humanity. What does is say the Hartford freakin' Whalers were the only other franchise to employ such heinous attire? Go play ringette, you pussies.

8. That stupid fucking Kate Smith rendition of the anthem, which was once cool but is now so overused it borders on comical. Another glorious example of the Flyer's prediliction for not knowing when to quit.

7. Their goddamn idiot, Nazi-helmet wearing fans from the 70's. And yes we realize Ed Snider is Jewish. Only makes it more unbelievably inappropriate.

6. John LeClair and Eric Desjardins turning into superstars after the Mark Recchi trade. Lopsided trade despite Recchi being a valuable addition for several years due to LeCalir absolutely owning the Habs for the rest of his career. Plus made up 1/3 of the LEGION OF DUMB, err, DOOM line. We take small solace from Mikeal Renberg's current occupation, selling used cars in Omsk.

5. G.M. Bobby (Don’t Call me Bob) Clarke. So many reasons, but we'll rehash how he gutted the franchise for Eric Lindros, and in one of the most inexplicable scenarios if all time, turned the Big “E’ and his busy-body mom Bonnie into sympathetic figures. Plus, pieces of the Lindros trade were used by the Avs to shoplift Patrick Roy out from Rejean Houle’s goodiebag (ok fine, that was more the Habs’ fault than yours…) This is only mitigated somewhat by a) the trade blowing up in his face and b) signing the skating Gorillas, Derian Hatcher and Mike Rathje, to long-term deals.

4. The long line of street thugs the Flyers dress up in hockey gear: Bully Boulerice. Steve Downie. Deranged Hatcher. Box Car Hospodar. Wrong Hextall. Hammer (for brains) Schultz. Dupont. Clarke.

3. The 1989 Playoff attack on Chris Chelios; we realize he’s no choir boy and he had to know payback was going to be a bitch after clobbering Brian Propp with a vicious and illegal elbow. But even paranoid conspiracy-theorist Chelios couldn’t have anticipated the premeditated cornering and attack by Hextall, Ulf’s ugly stepsister Shell Samuelsson and the rest. And of course, like cowards, they with seconds left in the Flyer’s elimination game. Simply disgusting.

2. The embarrassment that is and was the Red Army/Flyers game. The fact that the Habs/Red Army New Year's game is one of – if not THE - best ever makes the Flyers actions all the more abominable.

1. President Bob Clarke standing up for Steve Downie after the clearly deranged young ‘man’ proves time and again he can’t draw the line between physicality and outright, bloodthirsty, violence. Just like his idol, Bobby Clarke.

The Morning Skate for Friday, February 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of another school shooting...

Alright don't forget the big Flyers home and home this weekend, and our Ten Things We Hate About The Flyers today to get you psyched up for it. If we thought Rangers fans got pissed, well, uh, they're Philly fans, so this one should go alot smoother, right? Right? On an unrelated note, TMS is leaving right now for a tropical island that has no internet.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Congrats FHF on a Totally Meaningless Milestone!

By my calculations, this post is the 500th post in the history of FHF. I may be off, because lawyers suck at math, but if I'm right, we hereby congratulate ourselves. We're nothing if not prolific.

As the ladies present us with our $10,000 cheque, we'd like to thank all our readers and awesome commentors for sticking with our strippers 'n snark buffet throughout the 500. Lap dances for everyone!

Don't Plan the Parade Just Yet - Habs 2, Overwrought with Emotion Rochester Americans 1 (OT)

Get well, Zed. We always liked you.

Plan the Parade - Habs won a fucking game. After losing 3 in a row, just to get a W is an accomplishment. Higgins got his second goal in as many games. The Franchise Saviour (TRADE-FUCKING-MARK FHF, you hear that, Richard Labbé of La Presse? Consider this your mise en demeure) was excellent. Even better, he seemed to gain confidence as the game went on. Yesterday Carbo announced his "win and stay in" philosophy for goalies (great, now he's copying John Paddock???) so we can exepct TFS in nets on the weekend. Kovy's OT winner was a goal-scorer's goal. We like those.

The only other highlight of this game was the emergence of HF33's psychic ability. Literally two minutes after commenting "time is just about right for a moronic and untimely Koivu penalty," Captain K did exactly that. Well, maybe it wasn't so much a good psychic prediction as it was stating the obvious.

I also tremendously enjoyed the fact I saw something I have never seen in my almost 40 years of watching hockey - a delay of game penalty in the face-off circle. I still don't understand how that's possible. Oh, and RDS had an awesome extended shot of two Panthers Ice Dancers. I think it was Adrianne and Sophia. My PVR got a workout on that one.

The Sky Has Fallen - let's face it, the Panthers last night were ripe for the picking. Their first game after the Zednik incident, playing with a heavy heart, and half their team was from Rochester. We should have won this game easily. As it is, we needed a fluke goal in the 3rd just to tie it. Sure, Vokoun had a decent game, but really we hadn't shown up for the first couple of periods. More standing around without skating, more uninspired play, more tentative play with the puck, more lack of hitting, yada-yada, you've heard this all before.

The pundits are jizzing all over themselves because the Captain had 2 assists. Let me tell you about them. On the first, Saku lost a face-off, but he must have just touched the puck before the fluke goal. The second one was for standing around watching Kovy play with himself for an hour before he shot. Not quite highlight reel assists there. What I remember (besides the aforementioned moronic and untimely penalty) was him totally doing nothing on a clear-cut breakaway, and him trying one of his patented wraparounds only to weakly backhand it into Vokoun's pads. He's just not right.

The Power Play sucked moose cock. From the #1 PP in the league against an AHL squad, we were tentative, could never get set up, didn't make any nice plays at all. At one point during a crappy PP in the 3rd you could hear alot of booing from the Habs fans in Florida. Just like at home!

Next year, Hamr gets a flu shot. I'll pay for it. It's clear he is the glue that holds this D together. Last night they were sloppy, tentative, giving up pucks, yada-yada, again, you've heard this all before.

Chez Parée bound? Price, Kovy and Higgins get in. The rest still have some work to do to get back there from the skanky club in Laval they are currently hanging out in.

Next evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil evil foe - the Flyers, for a big weekend home and home. To get you psyched for it, and with apologies in advance to our good friend Nadine over at flyers.femme, FHF is thrilled to announce the return tomorrow of our "Top Ten Things We Hate About The ___" series. You know, because that last one didn't cause any trouble at all.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, February 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of testifying before Congress...
  • Habs, uh, win? Sorry, TMS is not used to writing that aymore. Kovy gets the winner in OT, Price was excellent. More later today;
  • Buffalo continues to roll on, 8-0-2 in their last 10, now 7th in the East, after a 1-0 win over Tronna;
  • Sens lose in OT to the Devils. Brodeur gets his 30th win this year, ho-hum.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! TMS sends love to his own Valentines - Candy, Angel, Brandy, and the short brunette with the big tits whose name I never remember.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Habs' Season Turning Into a Big Fat Ass (I don't know what that means either) - Panthers Game Preview and Open Thread

If Sir Mix-a-Lot is reading FHF, this photo's for you buddy

There may be some of you who insist on watching the game tonight and need somewhere to talk about it. Here's some quick bullet points, if you insist:
  • 7:30 PM, BankAtlantic Center;
  • Habs suck;
  • Panthers are doing OK lately, 4-2 in February and only a couple of wins out of 8th in the East;
  • This is Florida's first game since the Richard Zednik incident. Zed's doing well;
  • Money quote from Higgins: "When we play the right way, we're going to win. We just haven't been skating the last three games, and it shows." You got that right, pal. Though I can think of about a hundred other things you also haven't being doing in the last three games;
  • Fuck Olli Jokinen would look good in a Habs uni.
That's all I've got the stomach for. I'll join you in the comments tonight when I'm good and drunk. That should be by game time, not to worry.

Round up the usual suspects: Habs play it again (and by "it", I mean "like crap late in the season")

"Our playoff hopes have been shot ... round up the usual suspects."

We now return all the pundits, non-Habs fans, and hockey experts to our regularly scheduled late-season, see-they-were-playing-way-over-their-heads Habs swoon. Fuck.

There is no parade to plan. Higgins scored a nice goal in the first minute, Streit made a fantastic rush and pass to Pleks for the second, and HueT made some great stops to keep the score closer than the Habs deserved. The rest was a dreary and disheartening as waking up to 20 cm of snow in my driveway (again!) this morning.

The Sky is Falling:
Erroneous! Erroneous! The sky has fallen. Three straight losses, two to teams who are obstensibly "bottom feeders" sandwiching a blowout by the team the Habs had visions of catching for first in the conference a week ago. Shoddy defending, soft goals against, no scoring from anyone not on the Danse a Dix Line, and mindboggling decision-making. Ankles being broken country-wide as people scramble off the bandwagon. The FHF drinking even more heavily. What happened? Let's round up the usual suspects and ask them:

Breezer: Crimes against humanity. Abuse of own goalie through needless giveaways in defensive zone. Mental abuse inflicted upon fans for lack of toughness, ability to check, lapses in judgement and general, all-around Breezeritis.

Ryder: Crime of impersonating 30 goal scorer. Also guilty of attempted identity theft, pretending to have Kovalev's dipsy-doodle skills instead of dumping puck in and heading for slot.

Gui!: Grand larceny of Guy! Lafleur's chant. A felony to even be considered in same sentence. Wanted for unlawful abuse of boards and glass behind the empty nets he keeps missing. Also suspected of smuggling refridgerator on his back.

HueT: Wanted for unlawful gift-giving, including twice last night and at least twice on Saturday. Stays on the good side of the law more often than not by tendency to save the good guys asses during their frequent losses of concentration, but remains a danger to playoff aspirations if current trends continue.

Koivu: A sad case. Currently under heavy investigation for a number of unthinkable crimes, including not caring, lack of usual dogged determination, and for stealing souls of various linemates with lacklustre performance. Possibly under some sort of mind-altering influence. A model citizen gone bad.

Carbo Soze: Wanted for dangerous handling of line combinations, inexplicable treatment of goaltending situation, and improper use of Greek Lightning and Begin. Allows criminal element to run riot stealing purses and non-violently resisting police rather than making them act like good citizens who go to bed early the night before a game. Seems to have mercilessly abandoned faceoffs on the doorstep of the hockey fundamentals orphanage. Responsible for the continued playoff-murdering rampage of Breezer and Slowinski. Prime suspect in the disappearance of Panger's Boy Chips.

The Back-Door Wide Open Boys:
For deciding that leaving a wide open Prospal in front of the net in a 2-2 tie was a wise decision with Vinny Lecavalier holding the puck behind the net, the Back-Door Wide Open boys need to go to jail for monumental stupidity.

The Soft-As-Kittens Gang: Wanted for lack of cajones needed to play NHL hockey against a bottom-feeder team with one legitimate scoring line. Identifiable by their tendency to get beat along the boards for all loose pucks, unwillingness to pay the price to clear the zone, unwillingness to go hard to the net consistently, unwillingness to PUNCH SOMEONE IN THE FUCKING MOUTH when they spend minutes at a time digging for the puck at the side of the net; would prefer to try and freeze puck like a pussy. Can be rehabilitated if Carbo Soze allows Greek Lightning and Begin to infiltrate their ranks.

Chez Paree Bound:
The only place this team is going is on a plane bound for 9th. And Ingrid Bergman caught a different flight.

Next Evil, Evil Foe:
The Miami-Dade County Sheriffs Office? A University of Miami co-ed missing her wallet? A rampant Ollie Jokinen? Pencil them in for losses to all three.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, February 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of sweeping the primaries...
  • Habs suck. Face facts people. Fear the Collaps and TMS had a wonderful time in the open thread last night, deciding the collapse was upon us;
  • Hellooooo, Buffalo. Sabres beat the new look Sens 5-1. Don't look now, Buffalo is in a playoff position and nipping at the Habs' heels;
  • Flyers seem to have gone from 2nd in the East to 6th in, like, a week. Isles get 47 shots and a 4-3 win;
  • Sheldon Souray is out for the year, but the Habs crap last night has robbed me of some good schadenfreude.

I hate mornings when I'm just too embarassed to watch Sportscentre.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Welcome to the Skanky Florida Trip - Lightning Game Preview and Open Thread

The Queen of the Skanks


Skanky background to the game - 7 PM start, historic St. Pete Times Forum. On the teevee, TSN / RDS HD double double. Habs have lost 3 of their last 4. Lightning are last in the Southleast division, a.k.a. a couple of wins out of first. Habs have won 2 of 3 from the Bolts this season.

The game is of course shrouded in the skankiness of a felony charge to Ryan O'Byrne. How will this affect the game? Will the troops rally behind the kid? Will Rhino and Greek Lightning play? Frankly, I have no fucking clue. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Non-skanky followers of our skanky opponents - Bolts Blog. Just a good, solid, news and info blog. We should have more like that.

Skanky Habs - all of 'em! Man that Sens game sucked. HueT lets in three goals on four shots. The forwards couldn't beat Ray Emery (though give him credit, he played well, even notorious Emery-basher SLC admits that). The D were, uh, not good.

Skanky Lightning - everyone but Vinny Lecavalier, 4th in league scoring. St. Louis and Prospal ain't bad either. And Johan Holmqvist is an excellent 6-1-1, 2.40 GAA in his last 9 starts. Well, I guess they aren't so skanky after all.

Skanky fun fact that may interest only me - Little Tits has the second highest shooting % in the league. Number 1? Mickey Fucking Ribs.

Skankiest strip club in Tampa - YBor Secrets. When the photos section of the website is "coming soon," you know the skank factor is high.

VERY IMPORTANT SKANK UPDATE @ 4:30 PM (THAT'S WHY IT'S IN BOLD AND ALL CAPS) - CJAD reports that the woman in Florida has withdrawn her complaint against Rhino. Prosecutors could still go forward, but that's doubtful. Kosto still faces his charge though, you can bet the police are not withdrawing that one.

Let's hear your skanky thoughts in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting arrested for purse-snatching. What's that you say? Hmm...
  • Everyone's favourite felon Ryan O'Byrne was on the ice for practice yesterday with his Sundance Kid, Greek Lightning. Precious little news has come out since we reported on the purse-snatching yesterday, except that it was the night of the rookie dinner. Rhino said all the right things after practice, and Gainey is quiet, giving the "it's before the courts" stonewall. We'll keep following this of course. Four lawyers on a legal story! You've been warned;
  • Sens handed 1st place in the East by Whalercanes, acquiring Mike Commodore and Cory Tillman;
  • Richard Zednik stable after surgery;
  • Dallas wins 7th straight. Look for Mickey Ribs in the Western Confernece finals - he'll be the one faking an injury.

Alright there is a game to play! In Tampa, in case you didn't know.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Gotta Make'Em Go to Rehab but Habs Say No, No, No - Sens Gazillions, Habs 1

From Parliament Hill in the nation's capital, The Habs commemorated the 20th anniversary of the Supreme Court's decision to strike down Canada's Abortion Law by aborting their own game against the Sens after the first four minutes of play.

Nice.

So since I much prefer to discuss the 5oth anniversary of the Grammys rather than abortion or hockey related matters, allow me to fuse last night's celebration of music with Saturday night's ode to terrible hockey. The Hockey Grammys are upon us.

Record Of The Year

Irreplaceable: Daniel Alfredsson, producers: Daniel Heatley, Jason Spezza and Mr. Alfredsson impregnating a Mrs. Alfredsson with some special hockey semen.

The Pretender: Christopher Higgins producer; Christopher Higgins circa 2006-2007, Saku Koivu, Michael Ryder. Higgy - Good name for a rapper. Try that rather than hitting more posts than..um....a guy who hits a lot of posts. BOOYA!

Umbrella: Senators First Line, for peeing all over the Habs' parade. They are the best in the league. No offence to the big Tampa Line and coach Tortorella, ella, ella....

What Goes Around…Comes Around: The Ottawa Senators, thanks for beating us by a pussy goal on Tuesday, Montreal, now we're going to defecate in you ears. Mike Komisarek for making sweet sweet love to Elisha Cuthbert. Sean Avery for ditching Elisha faster than the writers on 24.

Rehab
: Michael Ryder, producer; Midget AAA coach, Bantam coach, First grade teacher, a good priest, a rabbi who will work with a priest, an imam who does not fear assasination, a midget who's good with miracles.

Album Of The Year

Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace: A day in the life of Andrei Markov. Make that a noisy day.

These Days: Alexei Kovalev - For doing it all by himself of late. Kovalev is hockey's tribute to masturbation.

River
: Cry me one, Patrice, because even if you played 10 minutes against the Sens, those are 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Graduation
: Ray Emery, grow up you infant. It's time. You watch your team in a full line up trounce a pretty good Canadiens squad, you need to wake up, smell the Hummer fumes and realize that you have a shot a history here. The NHL doesn't need a Mike Tyson. Neither did boxing.

Back To Black
: John Paddock, after much juggling, for finally realizing what goaltender would give him the best shot at going all the way.

Song Of The Year


Before He Cheats
: Cristobal Huet, How much more to the right did you intend on leaning, on the Senators second goal. I could hear Carbonneau from the bench watching in dismay and thinking, "to the left, to the left"...

Hey There Delilah
: Wade Redden, What's it like in New York City? I won't go to San Jose, but maybe I'll accept a trade to the Big Apple.

Like A Star
: Jason Spezza, 6 points. Making Montreal his love slave. I think all the Zs in his name may have put the Habs to sleep.

Best New Artist

Little Tits: For connecting with his big bro on Montreal's only tally of the game. But we all saw you sipping on some turtle soup taking a few puches to the face, Sergito. No good. Don Cherry was watching.

Big Tits: For combining with his little brother for the only Ray of Light on Saturday.

Rhino's Thumb is Healed: Ability to Snatch Purses is Intact

Ryan O'Byrne was arrested in Tampa last night for stealing a purse, according to the Tampa Tribune. Tom Kostopoulos, always rallying to his teammates' defense even off the ice, was arrested for resisting an officer without violence. Both have been released on bail. O'Byrne had just been recalled from Hamilton after his rehab assignment for his broken thumb and was expected to play tomorrow night against the Lightning.

The incident took place at the Whiskey Park bar in Tampa, at about 3 AM. Tragically, it does not appear as if Whiskey Park is a strip club. Then we'd have a story.

Rhino claimed the purse was his girlfriend's, while the owner of the purse seemed to disagree. This whole thing seems like just misunderstanding to us, but maybe there will be some sordid story of a love triangle or dead hookers in the bar bathroom or other salacious info to emerge in the coming days. We can only hope.

(H/t fezworth for pointing out the story to us)

The Morning Skate for Monday, February 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning a Grammy Award...

K so we're agreed Saturday night never happened?

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Not Now Honey I Have a Headache


Just to make things clear. The Habs are the Asian woman. The Sens are the dorky Chinese dude.

We got spanked, Asian style.

Let's let the dust settle. There's a shit load of dust. As soon as we recover from those first 4 minutes, the 4 Habs Fans will bring you a post-game reaction. It won't be pretty.

Till then, as they say in China: ta ta.

Saturday, February 09, 2008

It's Hockey Day in Canada! We're Celebrating with Cleavage. Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start, ScotiaBank Place. On CBC, as part of the big HDIC. I guess I am supposed to like HDIC because I am Canadian and a hockey fan, but fuck it just seems like a CBC ratings grab to me. Four days ago Habs were on the way up and Sens were tumbling. One loss to Toronto and win over Florida respectively later and it's a whole other story. Sens have won three of four against the Habs this year, and five straight in Kanata.

Pay your cover charge to - the only Sens blogs that matter (and totally not just because they hang out here), Five for Smiting and Scarlett Ice.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Kovy, Turtleplek, Big Tits. Just keep saying their names over and over. They're our only hope right now.

Hot Sexy Sens to watch - Heater & The Captain. They weren't in the lineup Tuesday, they are now. Heater had two goals in his return against the Panthers. Look for Alfie to one-up him with a hat trick.

Skanky Habs to watch - uh, everyone else. Who knows what lines 2-4 will be tonight. Possible Milk Carton Mike sighting? And Hamr is still eating chicken soup trying to recover from the flu.

Skanky Sens to watch - Senators Lost Cojones will tell you Redden sucked Tuesday and is trade bait. We're hard-pressed to disagree. And the Sens goalie situation always bears watching.

In the VIP room - refer to my rant before the Tuesday Sens game. Elite team or middle of the pack? This team needs to decide.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - once you''re in your car driving out of Kanata anyway, cross over to Gatineau and head to Pigale. Quality establishment.

Let's hear all your HDIC stories of cleavage in the comments.