|We couldn't bear to mess with Chantal and François... The woman is a saint for putting up with these guys, and François seems like a good dude, if you ignore his creepy yellow teeth.|
After sending it off to our crackerjack translation department (or maybe our editorial department - they're basically interchangeable) , here is what we've been able to uncover:
Montreal, April 11th, 2011
Dear puppets and other assorted mouthbreathers,
I know some of you are disappointed. After all, it's clear that everyone wanted the Montreal Canadiens to playagainst the Tampa Bay Lightning in the Eastern Conference quarter final. After all, the interviews with notre cher Vincent and notre ami Martin would have been precisely the kind of soothing balm our pure-laine souls need in this time of election crisis when
However, we must soldier on and attempt to be enthusiastic about a Habs-Bruins playoff series. As such, here are some of the talking points we suggest in order to help you better feign enthusiasm:
- There are some Quebeckers on the Bruins too! Well, okay, only one, if you consider that Savard was born in Ottawa and is really just another shitty franco-ontarian. Better still, Patrice Bergeron is from Ancienne-Lorette, câlice. You don't get much more pure-laine than that. Which, the Bruins have wisely recognized by giving him an "A" on his jersey.
- Hey - the Bruins had problems with concussions too! And they affected people who speak French, not asshole Americans who go see shitty American movies and then tweet about it.
- Speaking of that concussion, make sure you talk about it, but not so much about Max Pacioretty. Rather, spin it as yet another example of the way in which the NHL and Gary Bettman hate Quebec because they refused to punish Chara.
- Make sure that the audience knows who the real stars of the team are: David Deharnais and Mathieu Darche.
- Make sure you refer to Deharnais as "Le Petit Démon" in order to further cement the fact that he is the team's number one centre and the second coming of Guy Lafleur. We plan to make him stand on RDS milk crates in order to create the illusion that he is Chara's height.
- Until further notice, please refer to Darche as "Le Gros Mathieu" in order to make sure that people think of him in the same way as Jean Béliveau. We need to make sure that he is the next captain of the Montreal Canadiens, even if he's in his early 40s by the time that happens.
- Please refrain from saying anything nice about Andrei Kostitsyn. We need to have someone to blame when the Canadiens get bounced out of the playoffs and we couldn't give less of a shit about his career. Ditto for Scott Gomez.
- If Cammalleri continues to be ineffective, you can start to question his morals and his likeability in the locker room. Otherwise, talk about how wonderful it is that he's taking French lessons and that he has adopted Montreal as his hometown.
- If Pouliot continues to suck, point out every chance you get that he's not actually from Quebec. In the unlikely event he starts to score goals again, never EVER mention that he's actually from Ontario and feature many clips of him speaking French.
- Don't rag on Brian Gionta yet. We just ran one captain out of town, no need to do that to another one yet. Besides, the little prick bought himself some time by introducing his teammates in "French" to start the season.
- Make sure you pick up on every little thing that PK Subban fucks up. We don't want the English to corner the market on racist comments, or else we may lose viewership in the Saguenay.
- If Carey Price doesn't come out as a hero in this series, make sure you show a lot of comparisons to José Théodore in his Vézina year. But make Carey look like a crappier version of Théo. Try to find Annie Villeneuve and get her to sleep with him - way cooler and more relevant than a pute like Paris Hilton. Plus, we can cut to tear-filled interviews with her ex, none other than Guillaume Latendresse! Maybe that way, we can get Price chased out of the city with pitchforks and torches in order to make way for a French Canadian goaltender - dare to dream people...
- Make sure to compare the Lightning's playoff stats to the Canadiens' stats, but only if the Lightning compare favourably. This is especially the case if you choose to compare MAB (*HQ-ordered moment of silence*) to Wizniew-howeverthefuckyouspellhislastnamethatclearlyisn'tFrench.
- When Bertrand Raymond is on the show, make sure you agree with EVERYTHING he says.
Besides, what other channel are Habs fans going to watch? CBC? Don't make me laugh.
Please note that deviating once from any of the above talking points will lead to immediate and on-air
Yours in so-so-so-solidarité,
Edited to add: many thanks to Lyse a.k.a. @touteparpillee for the idea re: Annie Villeneuve. You're awesome, Lyse!!