Monday, April 18, 2011
INT. The tastefully decorated dining room of HabsFan29.
HF29: Thank you all for coming and joining us for the first annual FHF passover seder. I am deligh--- BOONE GET AWAY FROM THAT SCOTCH. We've got four glasses of wine to drink.
Boone: Fuck off.
HF29: Language, Michael. This is a tasteful, meaningful occasion.
Boone: Look you little pissant shit, this isn't the HIO comments section and you're not my dickface of an asshole editor. I will fucking speak the way God intended us to fucking speak.
HF29: As I was saying, I am delighted so many of the Montreal Jewish hockey community has gathered here to celebrate our people's release from bondage. Tonight, we will tell the story of---
Squid: Is this going to take long? I've got somewhere I need to be.
HF29: No no, don't worry. A few prayers, a quick nosh, and you're outta here. Six, seven hours tops.
Squid: Uh, ok. Excuse me, I just need to uh, use the washroom.
Sound of door closing and glass breaking
HF29: Hope he's ok in there. No one else has anything they'd rather be doing, right? Jeff?
CHallah but for the next eight days Matzoh: No no I'm good. I once skipped a game for Yom Kippur, so this is no big deal. Plus I'm injured. I can stay all night, though I should be reclining.
HF29: It's time to ask the four questions. We need the youngest person here. GoldenGirl, what happened to Squid?
GG: (peeking under the table) He just scored! WOOOO!!!
HF29: Put that iPhone away.
GG: I was just, uh, checking on my kids.
HF29: OK now it's time to recall the ten plagues---
A loud BOOM interrupts
Boone: What the fuck was that shit?
HF29: Just the meth lab in the basement. Ignore it. We can now enjoy the festival meal.
Matzoh: Mmm, this dessert is delicious.
HF29: Jeff, you can't eat that Danish I got at a coffee shop. It's passover.
Matzoh: Whoops, sorry about that. I better go to the bathroom to uh, get rid of it.
Boone: I better go with him.
HF29: And now it's time to open the door to welcome Elijah the Prophet. GG, go open the door. LEAVE THAT FUCKING IPHONE HERE.
GG: (opens door) Whoa there's a short little Jewish guy here. Looks kind of like Gary Bettman.
Bettman the prophet: After careful study the results of which I will ignore to substitute my own opinion, this seder is doomed to fail. From now on I decree that all passover seders shall only be held in the Southern States. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.
GG: Back in a sec, just need to use the bathroom.
HF29: (stares at empty table for 20 minutes) That's it, I give up. If only there was someone who could take control and lead us to the Promised Land...
HF29: NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM BUT FFS NOT DURING THE PLAYOFFS
Wandering around for 40 years waiting - 6:30 PM start at my cousins'. For the rest of you, 7:30 start at the Bell and of course it's on the concussion-loving CBC. If there's one good thing about tonight for the Jews, it's that it will be mercifully free from the plagues of Cold, Galley, Healy and Cherry.
Keep those un-kosher crackers out of your Stanley Cup of Chowder.
Hot like the desert sands on the Jews' sandaled feed - Mom of 29's brisket kicks ass. And her delicious kugel. Oh, and Squid, Gio, Gomez, PFK and TFS.
Flat like matzoh - The Bruins big forwards (of both size and stature) like Lucic and Krejci have sucked. And their defense is no prize either. Tom Thomas' rebound control.
Bleeding like a slaughtered lamb - no official word that the Shaved Gorilla playing, but he was on the ice this morning so I'm sure he'll go. No word on Tits though he also skated this morning, and CoaCH Moses won't announce his lineup until close to game time.
Post-seder / post-game adult entertainment - You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy these 30 Hottest Jewish Women Under 40.