Monday, April 18, 2011

FHF Passover Seder (and Game 3) preview and open thread


INT. The tastefully decorated dining room of HabsFan29.

HF29: Thank you all for coming and joining us for the first annual FHF passover seder. I am deligh--- BOONE GET AWAY FROM THAT SCOTCH. We've got four glasses of wine to drink.

Boone: Fuck off.

HF29: Language, Michael. This is a tasteful, meaningful occasion.

Boone: Look you little pissant shit, this isn't the HIO comments section and you're not my dickface of an asshole editor. I will fucking speak the way God intended us to fucking speak.

HF29: As I was saying, I am delighted so many of the Montreal Jewish hockey community has gathered here to celebrate our people's release from bondage. Tonight, we will tell the story of---

Squid: Is this going to take long? I've got somewhere I need to be.

HF29: No no, don't worry. A few prayers, a quick nosh, and you're outta here. Six, seven hours tops.

Squid: Uh, ok. Excuse me, I just need to uh, use the washroom.

Sound of door closing and glass breaking

HF29: Hope he's ok in there. No one else has anything they'd rather be doing, right? Jeff?

CHallah but for the next eight days Matzoh: No no I'm good. I once skipped a game for Yom Kippur, so this is no big deal. Plus I'm injured. I can stay all night, though I should be reclining.

HF29: It's time to ask the four questions. We need the youngest person here. GoldenGirl, what happened to Squid?

GG: (peeking under the table) He just scored! WOOOO!!!

HF29: Put that iPhone away.

GG: I was just, uh, checking on my kids.

HF29: OK now it's time to recall the ten plagues---

A loud BOOM interrupts

Boone: What the fuck was that shit?

HF29: Just the meth lab in the basement. Ignore it. We can now enjoy the festival meal.

Matzoh: Mmm, this dessert is delicious.

HF29: Jeff, you can't eat that Danish I got at a coffee shop. It's passover.

Matzoh: Whoops, sorry about that. I better go to the bathroom to uh, get rid of it.

Boone: I better go with him.

HF29: And now it's time to open the door to welcome Elijah the Prophet. GG, go open the door. LEAVE THAT FUCKING IPHONE HERE.

GG: (opens door) Whoa there's a short little Jewish guy here. Looks kind of like Gary Bettman.

Bettman the prophet: After careful study the results of which I will ignore to substitute my own opinion, this seder is doomed to fail. From now on I decree that all passover seders shall only be held in the Southern States. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

GG: Back in a sec, just need to use the bathroom.

HF29: (stares at empty table for 20 minutes) That's it, I give up. If only there was someone who could take control and lead us to the Promised Land...


HF29: NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM BUT FFS NOT DURING THE PLAYOFFS

Fin
*****************************************

Wandering around for 40 years waiting - 6:30 PM start at my cousins'. For the rest of you, 7:30 start at the Bell and of course it's on the concussion-loving CBC. If there's one good thing about tonight for the Jews, it's that it will be mercifully free from the plagues of Cold, Galley, Healy and Cherry.

Keep those un-kosher crackers out of your Stanley Cup of Chowder.

Hot like the desert sands on the Jews' sandaled feed - Mom of 29's brisket kicks ass. And her delicious kugel. Oh, and Squid, Gio, Gomez, PFK and TFS.

Flat like matzoh - The Bruins big forwards (of both size and stature) like Lucic and Krejci have sucked. And their defense is no prize either. Tom Thomas' rebound control.

Bleeding like a slaughtered lamb - no official word that the Shaved Gorilla playing, but he was on the ice this morning so I'm sure he'll go. No word on Tits though he also skated this morning, and CoaCH Moses won't announce his lineup until close to game time.

Post-seder / post-game adult entertainment - You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy these 30 Hottest Jewish Women Under 40.

GYMatzoh-lovin'FHG!

132 comments:

B B said...

I went to the coffee shop looking to buy a Glenn Healy. They told me someone may have deposited one in the toilet, but not fish it out. I went anyway, but it had been flushed. Too bad that entire crew of hacks at CBC can disappear too!

moeman said...

Oy dats funny stuff.

Also, that top 30 list never gets old, seriously. Off to the Bar Refaeli.

29, save me a little of Mom's kugel will ya?

lawyergirl77 said...

29 - you totally screwed up your impression of Boone. He swears way more than that. And his editor is better described as a "FASCIST dickface of an asshole editor".

Get your facts straight...

(I keed, I keed because I love!!)

Steve said...

I enjoyed the 30 HJGUT, Brook Burke, stands out for me.

Have a great Seder.

Steven Ryan said...

I knew you guys were jews but i didn't know you were hebrews... mazletaf or however you spell it and good luck with everything!

L Dude said...

I'm not Jewish but I'm a big fan of Harrison Ford. I'm pretty sure Adam Sandler said he was the guy who was 1/8th Jewish...

Anywho I was just wondering if there was any word on whether Zden'eau (as in 'no water') was playing tonight. I kind of hope so, just to hear the decibals amped up by a few dozen.

I can't fucking work with the game less than 5 hours away! Not saying shit to the Bumbling B's fans in the office. Don't want Karma bitch-slapping me before Thursday night's sweep.

Good be smited! I'm looking forward to Great Friday!

Kmaxx said...

Please, on this hliest of days - I ask for nothing except a competent effort from the Habs.

Now GYMFCHG!

Kmaxx said...

sorry...should have been - "holiest"

Bill 10-4 said...

@Kmaxx: I'll see your 'competence' and ask for a win

Begone pestilential B's

GYFHG!!

Michael said...

I am honoured, of course, to be making a guest appearance on a site devoted to Judaica and pornography.
I would point out, however, that verisimilitude is somewhat wanting because unlike my great and good friend LG77, I am not compulsively and unimaginatively foul-mouthed.
And I understand hockey.
But on the eve of this great religious celebration, why emphasize what divides us?
Happy Passover everyone.
And remember what Moses said when he came down off the mountain:
"The good news is I got Him down to 10. The bad news is adultery is still in there."

kevincrumbs said...

Please God, let this not be another 1996 (2-0 up on the Rangers, come home and then lose four straight) or 2006 (ditto, except with the Whalercanes).

Go Habs Go.

Mr. natural said...

Did anyone see the Boston cream donuts at Timmy's around Montreal?

They've added the CH logo to them!

All Hail Tim Horton (the donut shop not the Laffs deceased defenseman).

Are Boston cream donuts Kosher?

If dipped in meth or scotch?

GYMFBroonSlayingHG!

lawyergirl77 said...

@Michael - ZING. As always, your words wound me, my friend. Good thing I take neither them nor you particularly seriously... *cough*

At least we still have our cranky brand of sarcasm to untie us.

Mr. natural said...

@GG: your work NEVER loads at the office but did just now?!

WOW, super cool, I'm all verklempt (spelling?) *sniff*

Truly great stuff

GYMFBSHG!

Not Geoff Molson said...

Competence and all business - for Patches.

GYMFHG...and the CotU media can go Schtupp themselves.

Kmaxx said...

@bill 10-4 On this holiest of days and after the season that we, the most devout of Habs fans, have endured, please remember the immortal words of the Sacred Goat and of, I believe much later that same day, HF29 - when they described the team as competent. Competent = "the system" = a win for the Habs.

I therefore ask, as I did before Game 1 and Game 2, only for another competent performance.

Flying Toaster said...

I'll be at work today, following the game through this comments section. Keep me posted FHF!

WV: If the Habs lose i would be sadde.

soperman said...

@Mr. Natural

if you get your techie-dudes to look at the site, all restrictions will come off. it worked for me.

did you guys "out" Boone for swearing to pay him back for telling us all GG's real name? (twice)

HabsFan29 said...

outed as a swearer? he's a journalist. nothing to out

soperman said...

Well, given the zero-tolerance policy at HIO, I assumed he was an alter-boy or the jewish equivalent.

moeman said...

Sounds like we will be seeing Tits tonight.

Steve said...

I hope Choucula sits Chicken instead of Swiss Miss II

moeman said...

Heard SM2 might be on D+O duties. No CHicken?

G Y F H G!

Le Douze said...

@LG - if only cranky sarcasm could untie me, my life would be perfect, but as it is I'm constantly tangled in messes that my cranky sarcasm just makes worse. Fortunately I have you and the rest of the FHF chosen people to keep me entertained, so life's no so bad.

@moe - I'm looking forward to seeing Tits tonight... last time I saw Tits at the Garden, I was reminded of our quest for the mythical "power forward", which I had thought was like a quest for a unicorn ... just when you think you've found one, it gets smashed into a stanchion.

Steve said...

Facts that can not be disputed.
Another good word for Chocula.

soperman said...

New exam room, no computer. I guess I won't be watching the Habs while my students suffer away.

Maybe I can whip up a quick multiple choice exam....

moeman said...

mcsplooge says Bell Centre fans booing the shaved gorilla will amount to squat. Says being booed is seen (by the player) as a sign of respect. Uses PFK! being booed as an example. Twisted fuck.

GFYMCSPLOOGE!

iRiRi said...

ALL BUSINESS. FOR PATCHES.

GO YOU FUCKING HABS GO!

HabsFan29 said...

ok leaving soon to go pray and eat and so forth. be excellent to each other and GYFCHG

ti-cul said...

is it 4:30 yet?
can't-fucking-wait,

fuck da broonz

go you mother fucking competent pants go.

@ moe, pee-air knows, he's michael's guru

soperman said...

techies ran in an internet feed. woo hooo

Bill 10-4 said...

@soperman: Happy invigilating!

and again, GYFHG!!

soperman said...

thanks Bill 10-4

it really freaks them out when you stand at the back of the room for five or ten minutes...

moeman said...

tsn showed the PatCHes! hit twice and jon loo says the Habs need to play a road game. Um, maybe CHeck the Habs at home record.

soperman said...

Pathetic

So John Lu (Loo? both names mean crapper) thinks the Broons have them just where they want them?

moeman said...

tsn showed the PatCHes! hit 2 more times going into commercial to hype their next 1/2 hour where they will show it again. Stay classy toronto-based tsn.

ti-cul said...

another great article on Canada's ugliest clown;

http://www.themetropolitain.ca/articles/view/964

fuck the broonz

GO HABS GO MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

moeman said...

I missed 2 views of the PaCHes! hit on tsn, that is 6 in the first 31 minutes with more coming ... KYP.

soperman said...

Great article ti-cul, i especially hope Cherry reads this line.

"There may not be anything overtly homoerotic about watching one man pummel or severely injure another, but the parallels still exist; the build-up, the dance, the…release."

moeman said...

tsn showed a modicum of integrity and only mentioned the PatCHes! hit and did not replay the images. The 6 times they did show it they did not include the amp'd up sound.

moeman said...

Nice find ti-cul. Merci.

ukee said...

half an hour bitches!!!!


go Habs and fuck da ba-broonz

shit you not, vw aquhabs

ukee said...

dry, chara, dry.

Anonymous said...

I am done with Sergio, what the fuck is with the filter tonite, three times I have gone to log in for Google ID

Steve said...

I see a PFK goal, a rush, a split defence and a deke.

GYFHG

soperman said...

i see chara sitting at la cage trying drink enough water....

WV - "asksheak" as in "I would ask sheak but i don't know where he is...."

moeman said...

cbc/hnic says after the 'aftershock' of the shaved gorilla going dry that it is 'great news!' that he is playing.

Mr. natural said...

@Ukee: I like LOL.

Jesus H. CHrist (sorry for referencing the other team at this sacred time) what the PHuck is going on in the cotU?

Is it me or are they getting worse. Discuss amongst yourselves.

I guess it's that way in everything, Exp. Roman Empire good, great then bust-o.

I have a question to all those non practicing CHristians hanging around here (notice how Jehovah has no CH in it) if I want to express my respect by eating unleavened bread but do not have any, is it OK to eat regular bread?

Also if I can eat regular bread is it OK if I choose rye?

If it's OK to eat rye bread, do you think I'm bending the rules a little if I have two slices and separate them my a medium fat at the Kosher deli on the main?

just asking...

Go You Mother Fucking Habs GO Go Go!

Phuck da Broonz, da shaved ape, PHucked Phaced Marchand (every time I see his shit eating grin I have the urge to pound my fist into his face, but now that I think of it not so much grinning of late) Cherry and most of all my new favorite P(ussy) J(erk off) Stock, dear Lord please remove him to a better place.

PFK, TFS, Tits, DDD, Lego, Mex, Hammer, Pyatt (who the fuck was that in the Broonz end the other night!) all you beautiful guys (NTTAWWT) Go you Mother PHuckers Go!

And of course Die PHucktards Die!

That is all.

moeman said...

cbc/hnic all trying to find solutions for the bruins. I ask. Why?

ti-cul said...

inspired by you Mr. N.

Dry Babroonz Dry

and fuck da brooonz

soperman said...

@moeman

i would not worry about hnic looking for solutions for the broons. look at how well that strategy worked out for the leaf...

the Maritimer said...

@moeman, might as well give it up man, hnic crew all despise les Canadiens for various reasons. Fuck them all. Lets watch RDS.

bea.habs.fan said...

drop the puck already.
the waiting is killing me

moeman said...

Rask.

moeman said...

heh, mystique about being a bruin. Sure.

soperman said...

now now Mr. Cherry tells me the guy's name is Task.

i can hardly wait to see Rask start with the hissy fits against his own D.

moeman said...

Fuck da leaf!

moeman said...

Holy Shit. Beliveau with the torCH!!!!!

moeman said...

Burn Bruins Burn!!!!!!!

soperman said...

Fuck dem all

Moey said...

Love the opening. *wipes tears*

GYHG! *blows kisses*

soperman said...

i am losing some definition on my ten foot screen

bea.habs.fan said...

tried to convince a colleague he was way too sick to go to the game tonite.
I think even on his deathbed he would have gone

moeman said...

B's head fake, tiny tim is in.

iRiRi said...

TOO MANY MENNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

bea.habs.fan said...

history repeating itself???
TMM
HAHAHAHAHAHA

bea.habs.fan said...

FUCK

moeman said...

ack

iRiRi said...

FUCKKKKKKK

moeman said...

hnic'ers are happy

bea.habs.fan said...

and another great save by Price
gald to see he's on his game

iRiRi said...

I don't like how the Habs are looking tonight. Probably cause they're playing catch-up.

Better cash in here.

LeBuuuuut said...

What a fucking asshole.

moeman said...

heh, the shave gorilla will have to maim someone before he gets a penalty. Oh, wait.

Moey said...

Habs are discombobulated. C'mon boys.

bea.habs.fan said...

CAREY
CAREY
CAREY

Moey said...

Maybe home ice is a disadvantage this year. Worse case scenario, last game is played in Boston.

bea.habs.fan said...

1st bonehead penalty?
gomez for a change

moeman said...

galling is disgusting

bea.habs.fan said...

DOUBLE FUCK

iRiRi said...

Sighhhhhhhhhh. :(

moeman said...

oy oh boy

iRiRi said...

This is because I'm not wearing the same shirt as Saturday, right?

Even Kirk looks deflated...

moeman said...

I thought glee was on Tuesday night. hnic'ers are sick.

McPhee said...

Wow, they're TERRIBLE. Talk about a bunch of headless showboats. A bunch of individuals on the ice, not the team that did it all this season.

moeman said...

Its almost as if galling played for boston.

Steve said...

we are in the suck

iRiRi said...

Brunet just refered to CHicken as 'Benoit' just like he did w/ Guillaume. Hmmm...

Number31 said...

We've seen better. Looks like Jekyll/Hyde came to the playoffs too! And I've seen enough of Pouliot.

Maybe they all went to the Seder and had a bit too much wine?

GYFH!!!

Lurker said...

Wahhhhhhh.

STFU 40 minutes left to play.


GYFHG!

Moey said...

Im sorry but we just have to win this fucking game. HNIB is unbearable.

bea.habs.fan said...

let's be honest and admit it was never going to be a Habs sweep.
not to say it wouldn't have been nice ....
we're coming form behind and that's when we screw up the most.

they'll regroup

BaruCH said...

CHag sameaCH folxx! I had refrained from commenting during the game out of superstition., but now I guess it doesn't matter much.
some notes on the game so far.
1. fuck all pregame ceremonies, they just up the pressure
2. fuck white towels...
3. fuck taunting the other goalie, that's always backfires, makes them feel too important.
4. fuck you CHicken you're inept!
5. fuck you SpatCHko step aside if you are not up to the game. Feign an illness or something.
6. nice timeout CHokula for once!
7. GYFHG!!!!!

iRiRi said...

Kill that moron's penalty and keep pushing, boys. Please. How do you scratch Weber but keep playing CHicken?

iRiRi said...

I'm gonna be sick.

moeman said...

Get the demons out now boys.

iRiRi said...

Why do they always have to make it so hard for themselves? Just like in the regular season, every important game or every opportunity to grab 1st in the NE, well, you know the rest...

iRiRi said...

And I realize I am being a total Debbie Downer right now. Apologies!

moeman said...

No such thing iRiRi as we are all down but not out.

moeman said...

T I T S !!!

LeBuuuuut said...

BIG TITS!

iRiRi said...

AK46!!!

BaruCH said...

Fuck Yeahhhhh Tit$$$$$!!!!!

moeman said...

hey, bob cold STFU!

code_monkey said...

I'm not opposed to a Bobby Clarke special at this point. Chicken make yourself useful!
Just as I'm typing ... TITS!

Number31 said...

Win or lose, they got two lucky goals but AK46 made Chara look like a drooling pylon.

moeman said...

heh, hnic finds a non penalty to the Habs. Nice work fuckers.

moeman said...

Lots of time.

Number31 said...

All that effort to keep the puck in and...Cammy misses the pass for what would have been a good shot :/

BaruCH said...

"If you thought at the beginning of the series that the Habs would win four straight, I believe that you were alone in that thinking" - S. Momesso

bea.habs.fan said...

my choice is this hockey game or a crazy Belgium cops/bad guys/zombie movie

they both have violence
mindless behavior
and shots that don't work

moeman said...

T I T S 2 !

moeman said...

Make that P L E X X X E !!!

LeBuuuuut said...

SUPERPLEXXXE!

iRiRi said...

PleXXXe!!!

wv: eforts

Number31 said...

O_______________________O

moeman said...

Can ya feel the cbc hate?

bea.habs.fan said...

was just thinking how hungry they came out

and it's a one goal game

GHG and kick some Bear ass

Lurker said...

12 minutes left. GYMFHG!

moeman said...

gary galling sucking bear dick, again. Why?

moeman said...

Be still ...

bea.habs.fan said...

so close
(and yet so far)

iRiRi said...

*screams into pillow* !!!

moeman said...

Lucky win.

iRiRi said...

NOOOOOOOOOO

moeman said...

No booing.

No leaving.

Not boston.

bea.habs.fan said...

and the nail in the coffin

oh well
there is the next game

iRiRi said...

Nice effort over the second half, even though it was a tad too late. More business needed.

ON. TO. THE. NEXT. ONE.

Number31 said...

Was good 'til they pulled Price for the empty netter. A little less head out of their asses and more alertness next time please. That first half they played like crap. A fry up Pouliot on the BBQ. He's done. Also someone has to bury those wide open nets with a little more gumption. Trickling it to the net won't work 'cause Thomas over-works himself to make it look like OMGSPECTACULAR! when really a snail moved faster than the puck.

Yes. This game was only partially competent. NEEDS MORE COMPETENCE! And fuck you Chara. If Patches weren't out 'cause of that ape he'd have buried those rebounds...

sadhabsfan said...

Everytime hnic showed "hilights" of Chara, he was getting away with uncalled penalties.
It seems whenever Habs get 1st power play in a game and don't score, they lose.
Gotta like the effort after being down 3 zip tho. They did not quit like sometimes in regseason.
Bodes well for Thursday. I am confident they'll be competent.

Number31 said...

Is CBC doing the happy dance?

kevincrumbs said...

I think it's my fault as I sat next to a Bruins fan at the bar and we were civil towards each other. I knew I should've stabbed him in the face.

Anyway, at least they didn't lie down and die when they went down three goals. We'll get 'em back on Thursday.

Go Habs Go.