|What the Habs playoff tickets should say...|
When I got my playoff tickets in the mail, it seems as though head office has whipped itself up another batch of tasty Kool-Aid and has put together a marketing strategy that's, well, a bit far fetched to say the least.
As a season ticket holder, you have to buy all 16 potential playoff games that could be played at the Bell Centre in a given playoff run. That means, 4 games in every series right up to the Stanley Cup Final. (I know. I chuckle to myself when I think about having home ice advantage, let alone having to actually use my tickets to the Cup final...)
Every single one of the 16 playoff tickets has a player's picture on it, but, this year, there is also some kind of inspirational word that may or may not be loosely associated with that player's contribution to this year's team. So what better way to start a preview that begins this, the final week of the Habs' regular season than with an analysis of what these tickets mean?
I mean, it's not like I actually need to preview this game. Habs ain't coming close to clinching playoffs tonight. We all know that Marty and the Devils are probably going to win. If the Habs show up at all and make a game of it, I'll be impressed, and, yes, I promise to eat a good sized helping of humble pie.
So let's do the mockery thing instead for a batch of tickets that I may never get to use. It's way more fun than previewing another loss...
Round 1: Eastern Conference Quarter-Finals
Otherwise known as: The round where the Habs either get swept, or you win in 7 games.
Game 1: Plekanec, "Consistency"
I have no problems with this, other than the fact that it makes Pleky sound like a life insurance policy or a fucking Toyota Corolla. He's (usually) better than that.
Game 2: Gill, "Wisdom"
Refers to the fact that this old fart tries not to get himself into positions where his slow ass will get burned. Works about 75% of the time.
Game 3: Cammalleri, "Control"
Either refers to the fact that this guy is so Type A, he makes lawyers look chillaxed or to the fact that all of his shots are deliberately either 2 feet to the right or 2 feet above the net.
Game 4: Subban, "Destiny"
This kid is going to be fucking awesome, provided the Habs don't get impatient with his development and the media shitstorms and subsequently shove their heads up their asses and trade him away in a ridiculous move.
Round 2: Eastern Conference Semi-Finals
Otherwise known as: The round where, if the Habs make it out of the 1st round, they're likely to choke.
Game 1: Price, "Belief"
Game 2: Darche, "Pride"
This dude is often the only member of the team who knows what it means to have that logo on his jersey. Perfect word association here.
Game 3: Desharnais, "Determination"
Another good word association: "Fuck you to everyone who didn't think I'd make it into the NHL." (Note: I don't give a shit what the AntiChambre says, this guy, while awesome, is not the second coming of Lafleur.)
Game 4: Pacioretty, "Perseverance"
This is one of those demonstration-by-exception things. Patches has been the model of perseverance in his rehab. The Habs have been the antithesis with their "Nothing-but-Quit" attitude since #67 went down.
Round 3: Eastern Conference Finals
Otherwise known as: Where the Habs died last year after Halak's pixie dust ran out.
Game 1: Kostitsyn, "Strength"
*hysterical laughter* I mean, the kid is definitely strong and when he uses that big ol body of his in an effective way, his game is pretty friggin' great to watch. But that only happens for a streak of about 3-4 games before he goes back to 10-15 games of coasting.
Game 2: Spacek, "Heart"
Well, I guess he's got no other skills, so this one will have to do. Not like they could put "Jesus Christ, Spacek, NOT AGAIN" on the ticket.
Game 3: Wisniewski, "Sacrifice"
Dude, he didn't even miss a game and he's playing with a fucking cage on his visor. 'Nuff said. (Too bad he's an average D-man at best...)
Game 4: Pouliot, "Ability"
"...when he chooses to actually use it"
Round 4: Stanley Cup Finals
Otherwise known as: The tickets that I might as well destroy right now 'cause they'll never get used...
Game 1: Gionta, "Inspiration"
It's inspiring the way that this guy has shown up for most games in spite of the fact that he's centred by the Anchorage Albatross. Certainly doesn't refer to any of the bullshit stock sentences he uses in post-game interviews.
Game 2: Moen, "Passion"
"... is still not a substitute for actual talent."
Game 3: Gomez, "Experience"
The ability to suck and blow so much at at once is a product of many years of experience. However, he's usually pretty great in the playoffs, so I'm hoping he's gonna start turning it on... any minute now...
Game 4: Hamrlik, "Stability"
What else are you gonna say about the D-man who has played the most games (75 so far) of a ridiculously injury-prone and depleted corps? Fortress Habs has rested on this poor old man's shoulders all season. No wonder the fortress is crumbling...
Comments? Other definitions? Optimism? Pessimism? Talk about it and what's sure to be the Habs' latest road loss in the comments.