Saturday, April 02, 2011

Playoffs Word Association Game - Habs vs. Devils: Preview and Game Night Open Thread

What the Habs playoff tickets should say...
You know, it would be funny if the Habs' recent wave of being the suckiest team that ever sucked was just some kind of elaborate April Fools Day joke. But, considering the fact that they seem to do this every fucking year to end the regular season, I ain't holding my breath. 

When I got my playoff tickets in the mail, it seems as though head office has whipped itself up another batch of tasty Kool-Aid and has put together a marketing strategy that's, well, a bit far fetched to say the least.

As a season ticket holder, you have to buy all 16 potential playoff games that could be played at the Bell Centre in a given playoff run.  That means, 4 games in every series right up to the Stanley Cup Final. (I know. I chuckle to myself when I think about having home ice advantage, let alone having to actually use my tickets to the Cup final...) 

Every single one of the 16 playoff tickets has a player's picture on it, but, this year, there is also some kind of inspirational word that may or may not be loosely associated with that player's contribution to this year's team.  So what better way to start a preview that begins this, the final week of the Habs' regular season than with an analysis of what these tickets mean?

I mean, it's not like I actually need to preview this game.  Habs ain't coming close to clinching playoffs tonight. We all know that Marty and the Devils are probably going to win.  If the Habs show up at all and make a game of it, I'll be impressed, and, yes, I promise to eat a good sized helping of humble pie. 

So let's do the mockery thing instead for a batch of tickets that I may never get to use.  It's way more fun than previewing another loss... 

Round 1: Eastern Conference Quarter-Finals 
Otherwise known as: The round where the Habs either get swept, or you win in 7 games.

Game 1: Plekanec, "Consistency"
I have no problems with this, other than the fact that it makes Pleky sound like a life insurance policy or a fucking Toyota Corolla. He's (usually) better than that.

Game 2: Gill, "Wisdom"
Refers to the fact that this old fart tries not to get himself into positions where his slow ass will get burned.  Works about 75% of the time.

Game 3: Cammalleri, "Control"
Either refers to the fact that this guy is so Type A, he makes lawyers look chillaxed or to the fact that all of his shots are deliberately either 2 feet to the right or 2 feet above the net. 

Game 4: Subban, "Destiny"
This kid is going to be fucking awesome, provided the Habs don't get impatient with his development and the media shitstorms and subsequently shove their heads up their asses and trade him away in a ridiculous move.


Round 2: Eastern Conference Semi-Finals 
Otherwise known as: The round where, if the Habs make it out of the 1st round, they're likely to choke.

Game 1: Price, "Belief"
"Thank Christ that trade worked out..." "See, we FUCKING TOLD YOU trading Halak was a good idea!!"

Game 2: Darche, "Pride"
This dude is often the only member of the team who knows what it means to have that logo on his jersey. Perfect word association here. 

Game 3: Desharnais, "Determination"
Another good word association: "Fuck you to everyone who didn't think I'd make it into the NHL." (Note: I don't give a shit what the AntiChambre says, this guy, while awesome, is not the second coming of Lafleur.)

Game 4: Pacioretty, "Perseverance"
This is one of those demonstration-by-exception things. Patches has been the model of perseverance in his rehab. The Habs have been the antithesis with their "Nothing-but-Quit" attitude since #67 went down. 


Round 3: Eastern Conference Finals 
Otherwise known as: Where the Habs died last year after Halak's pixie dust ran out.  

Game 1: Kostitsyn, "Strength"
*hysterical laughter* I mean, the kid is definitely strong and when he uses that big ol body of his in an effective way, his game is pretty friggin' great to watch.  But that only happens for a streak of about 3-4 games before he goes back to 10-15 games of coasting. 

Game 2: Spacek, "Heart"
Well, I guess he's got no other skills, so this one will have to do. Not like they could put "Jesus Christ, Spacek, NOT AGAIN" on the ticket. 

Game 3: Wisniewski, "Sacrifice"
Dude, he didn't even miss a game and he's playing with a fucking cage on his visor. 'Nuff said. (Too bad he's an average D-man at best...)

Game 4: Pouliot, "Ability"
"...when he chooses to actually use it"


Round 4: Stanley Cup Finals 
Otherwise known as: The tickets that I might as well destroy right now 'cause they'll never get used...

Game 1: Gionta, "Inspiration"
It's inspiring the way that this guy has shown up for most games in spite of the fact that he's centred by the Anchorage Albatross. Certainly doesn't refer to any of the bullshit stock sentences he uses in post-game interviews. 

Game 2: Moen, "Passion"
"... is still not a substitute for actual talent."

Game 3: Gomez, "Experience"
The ability to suck and blow so much at at once is a product of many years of experience. However, he's usually pretty great in the playoffs, so I'm hoping he's gonna start turning it on... any minute now... 

Game 4: Hamrlik, "Stability"
What else are you gonna say about the D-man who has played the most games (75 so far) of a ridiculously injury-prone and depleted corps? Fortress Habs has rested on this poor old man's shoulders all season. No wonder the fortress is crumbling...

Comments?  Other definitions? Optimism? Pessimism? Talk about it and what's sure to be the Habs' latest road loss in the comments.  

72 comments:

ti-cul said...

I know we have a game today, but are we playing?

Steve said...

I think it was very clever to save the Mexican't for the fourth round, cause we are not going there without the Mexican.

@GG the tickets remind me of Tyler Durden changing the emergency procedures instructions of the plane.

I have so many single serving friends that will be laughing funny HA HA.

Doogie2K said...

What the hell kind of shitty power is "Heart" anyway? I guess Spacek is like that poor South American girl from Captain Planet.

lawyergirl77 said...

@ti-cul: an excellent existential question, my friend. Another one: Do the Habs know they're playing?

@Steve: truer words were never spoken re: Gomez. And as for the switching of the words - where do you think we got the idea? :)

lawyergirl77 said...

@Doogie2K - Agreed. WTF were they supposed to say for Spacek? "Fashion Police"? The guy really doesn't have that many on-ice attributes anymore...

iRiRi said...

Hilarious, LG!

Probably only get to watch the two first periods tonight so hopefully, they have it locked up by then! Oh, who am I kidding? *sobs* God, when are they going to GET IT TOGETHER ALREADY?!

bea.habs™.fan said...

loved the preview LG and LOL to GG.

Most of my friends are in the same frame of mind as I am = if the Habs™ don't bother showing up why should we as fans?
I guess it is true that Hopes springs eternal (and so does the Easter bunny who'll be bringing me tons of alcohol dipped chocolates to drown my where-the-fuck-did-they-go sorrows)

McPhee said...

Official prediction: we are finding a way to win tonight.

TurtlePleXXXe's third game should be a charm.

BaruCH said...

Feel better after singing a bunch of old Yiddish songs (those shtetl schlobs sure had it hard!) then, reading that excellent preview. I guess we will need stability if we ever get to a game 4 at the BC (which is mathematically very unlikely, seeing as we would have to be playing a team from the West with a worse record than us...) I'm pretty well resigned to rooting for Vancouver this playoffs, what with the Green Men and all...
I watched a period and a half of the deVilles PHucktards game, our only chance is if Mr Buttermaker has a senior period or two tonight. Kovalchuck is CHinese and stronger than any of our forwards, they were rolling four lines all night last night fluidly. PHucktards scored first and do you see Lemaire pull out his pad and pencil? No he's yapping at them like a cricket on the solstice, yap yap yap...they win.

GYFHG!!

Steve said...

for better or worse, system or no system, nipple or perfectly placed clothing article.

GYFHG

Habsfan10 said...

"Jesus Christ, Spacek, NOT AGAIN"

Genius. I've said that roughly 30,000 times in two years.

Steve said...

If you dont vote for me think of my bro

Steve said...

not an official club de hockey montreal puck bunny

She does not make the grade but it is a test as my last perfectly acceptable to Mr Molsons Vagina link failed. Not even a nipple in the subject line?

moeman said...

Don't sCHalp those tickets!

GYFHABSG!

Ryan McLean, biggest Habs fan in the world said...

Whew!

the Maritimer said...

I was reading and old Hockey News today, from before the trade deadline. Article about "fixing" Ottawa, Toronto and Calgary, trading versus drafting, blah, blah. One GM made the comment, if you trade your franchise player and don't get something special back, your team is set back for years. No fucking kidding. The Habs have only been wandering around the desert for 16 years and counting.

Fat Marty gets a shutout tonight. Wonder if Bob Cold will mention it in the third period more than once?

Steve said...

Can you say Zach Parise, or something like that, a RFA, I would take him.
First he has a French name, second he is a hell of a hockey player, fourth name a first round pick in the last twenty years that panned out beside Price.

moeman said...

@Steve, PatCHes!

Steve said...

@moeman, you had to go all technical on me, yes 22 overall vs Parise 17th overall, patches is a good power forward but Parise is up in the elite with the elite.

Orangeman said...

Great preview/pic LG+GG.

I'm schlepping my ass all the way to Kirkland by public transport to watch this thing on a large TV with legit cable and everything. So I expect at least a competent game (remember when we dissed competence? What I wouldn't do for competence now).

I must also comment on the severe lack of Winnie Cooper on these pages. Wasn't that the streak buster? Winnie, wherefor art thou?

Now to pack for the trip. Yes, I prepare for a trip to the West Island as I would for a trip to the deserts of Zambia.

Number31 said...

Spacek's should have been "Hilarity". The dude's hilarious.

moeman said...

Don't look at the pic on rds.ca

BaruCH said...

GYFHG!!!

HabsFan29 said...

just got in. what'd i miss? nothing good i assume

AND i walk in to a penalty shot...

iRiRi said...

THE PRICE IS RIGHT BITCHES!

HabsFan29 said...

totally shouldn't have been a penalty shot

whew

moeman said...

GIO!!

iRiRi said...

DarCHe!

HabsFan29 said...

DarCHe! the first goal for a change

/faints

moeman said...

to DarCHe!

HabsFan29 said...

tommy pyatt is still on this team?

HabsFan29 said...

i have a good feeling about this game. we could out-bore the Devils

HabsFan29 said...

AUGHH. god id love a shorty

HabsFan29 said...

that's 20 minutes of competent hockey

HabsFan29 said...

this thing on? everyone asleep?

sadhabsfan said...

everbody else got lives,I guess.

sadhabsfan said...

How much does Gionta get paid again?

sadhabsfan said...

They got more chances on the PK than on the PP.

sadhabsfan said...

Kinda spooky in here. /whistles
No ice cream tonight,I'm thinkin.

Bill 101 said...

just getting in

GYF.....wow

What system are they using tonight?

HabsFan29 said...

it's the "putting us all to sleep" system.

sadhabsfan said...

Decline!!

HabsFan29 said...

hey we almost had a chance or two there

hang in there competence!

sadhabsfan said...

I switched my gamenight drink from Flor de Cana to Goslings Gold. Hope it holds on for an empty netter cuz i kinda like the taste.
Watchoo drinkin,29?

HabsFan29 said...

had wine earlier now am on bushmills. it's putting me to sleep. or it's this hockey game

HabsFan29 said...

PFK!

sadhabsfan said...

Goslings Goal!!
wv I gonna dring it from now on

moeman said...

PFK!

(Disaronno)

HabsFan29 said...

DarCHe! again!!

moeman said...

DarCHe!

sadhabsfan said...

How do you do that so fast?

I was just about to moan about trying to protect a two goal lead, but no need, the floodgates are open,now.

moeman said...

shf, high speed methwork,

McPhee said...

Wow, who could have predicted we would win tonight?

...right, they could come back, yatti yatti yatta.Don't want to cause a four-goal comeback by this remark.

Are we in yet? 0.001 % chance we miss still keeps you up at night?

Wake me up when you guys are on board the playoffs train.

But I'm confused. PFK scored on the PP for the 8th time this year. It's almost like there's something going on,there. Maybe we should try playing him more, just to see if the fluke holds up *face distorted by frustration*

moeman said...

ack (for TFS™).

HabsFan29 said...

crap. wanted a shutout. now just want a win. please

sadhabsfan said...

OK now we can worry about protecting a 2 goal lead

McPhee said...

Classy to give the local crows something to chew on.

It sucks to be eliminated by a 3-0 loss at home on a Saturday night. For crying out loud, give them a goal and a game at the end to save appeareances.

Keep the SOs for the season. The Vezina's lost this year and we really have no use for extra TFS ego right now. Hi ego is fine and well.

sadhabsfan said...

I'm watchin RDS but I spect bob cold was croakin about a shutout.

wv fackedal
honest

moeman said...

Take the two points. One left to snag. Fuck cbc/hnic.

HabsFan29 said...

91 points is pretty good!

moeman said...

91 pts for a D-ecimated team is fucking great.

lawyergirl77 said...

*sigh*

Anyone know where I can find a tasty helping of humble pie??

moeman said...

lg, Sara Lee makes better ones.

McPhee said...

Of course, Buffalo-Washington becomes a three-point game, fuckers.

moeman said...

Still fun though to see the cbc/hnic crew rub their nub whilst their team remains, perpetually, in 10th. Go fuck yourselves cbc/hnic, you sick leaf-lovin' fucks.

sadhabsfan said...

A Saturday win makes the Sunday afternoon hangover so much more bearable.

moeman said...

cbc/hnic, sickest leaf sycophants in the universe.

sadhabsfan said...

I was going to watch the game again on Canadiens Express, but see that Leon Russell is on SNL.

punkster said...

Didn't check the site until now and I gotta tell you this may be the best game day you folks have pulled out of your collective butts in some time. The Anchorage Albatross statement alone was almost worth the scotch I spit through my nose just now. Almost. It was a 12 year old. Don't do it again, OK?

lawyergirl77 said...

@punkster - Oh, stop! The compliment is making me ferklempt but the waste of 12-year-old scotch is making me cry.

Number31 said...

Darche Vader says "May the goals be with you".

wv. Sheep
Perfect for CBC/HNIC! Baaaaah.

sbo said...

thank you so much. fosbobetr good Archive