Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Let the mourning begin


The season is dead. Killed in an excruciating yet exciting finale. Thanks to every one of you who made this season a blast as always. See you in a few days.

Seven, bitCHes - Game 7 preview and open thread


Game seven, Habs-Bs. Not much more to say, is there? Guess what, I'm gonna say shit anyway. Don't worry, I'll be brief. I've got meth hits to prepare.

One - 7 PM start from the seventh circle of hell aka the TD Fleet Banknorth Gardening Center.

Two - The difference between the digits 1 and 3 which can be found in the jersey numbers of the Habs' two best players right now. Coincidence? I think not.

Three - The number of wins for each team in the series so far. Where else but FHF can you get this valuable information?

Four - The number of weeks DDD is out. And CHokula is keeping the rest of his lineup super duper secret until after the first period.

Five - Not the number of games Milan Lucic was suspended. He will play tonight. Like you ever doubted that.

Six - The number of skaters a certain Donald S. Cherry threw out there in the most famous Habs-Bs Game 7. How I miss you Danny Gallivan.

Game Fucking Seven - Win or lose, try to keep the post-game rioting to a minimum. The cops are ready for you.

(Hopefully not for the last time) GYFHG!!!!!11!!!!

Magnificent Game 7 ~ Habs, with no help from the refs, clash and beat the Bruins 2-1 - Game Review and Boston's calling Collie Open thread

Onto a magnificent Game 7 - by The CHlash!

Don't you ever stop
Long enough to start
Don't take Squid out of that gear

Don't you ever stop
Long enough to start
Get that Gio into that same gear

Ring! Ring! It's 7:00 P.M.!
Move y'self to blog again
Bob Cold water in the FHFace
Brings us back to his awful place
Knuckles, merCHants and you lawyers, too

Must get up an' learn those rules

Blind linesman and the crazy refs
One says no goal and one says he didn't blow
A.M., what the F(uck).M(ontréal). Jack the new P.M. too
CHurning out that Bloc boogaloo
Gets you up and gets you high
But how long can they keep it up?
Gimme Gionta, Gimme Cammi
Not so CHeap and real on the PP
Bell Centre dollars and mclame's two cents
English 'pun'ded and galley make no sense

FHF lot! What?
Don't stop! Give it all you got!
FHF lot! What?
Don't stop! Yeah!

Working for a rise, RDS is a better station
I'll take CHantal Macabée's sophistication
She's seen the lads, she thinks their nice
Better work hard - Go Carey Price!
Never mind that it's time for da Boston bus
Habs got to work - an' they're one of us
Clocks go slow in my place of work
Dr. recchi' in drag and Lucic's a jerk

"When can I tell 'em wot I do?
In a second, Anon...oright CHuck!"

Wave bub-bub-bub-bye to Geoff the boss
It's his profit, it's his loss
But anyway lunCH bells ring
Take a few hour and do your thanng!
CHeezeWhizboiger!

What do we have for entertainment?
Habs kickin' Bruins in another Game 7
Now the news - Pants! to attention!
The Habs are standing, Pretzel deserves a suspension
Italian mobster shoots a laser
DDD and Whiz better join the band
A beer in the fridge
Or a fridge in the beer?
Cowboys up - in TFS™ land

FHF lot! What? Don't stop. Huh?

Habs get back to work an' sweat some more
The Bs will sink an' we'll get out the door
It's not safe for man to work in shaved gorilla cages
Seabass hits the town, he drinks his wages
You Bs are frettin', you Bs are sweatin'
But did you notice you Bs ain't gettin'?
Don't you ever stop long enough to start?
PatCHes take your twitter outta that gear
Don't you ever stop long enough to start?
Coach get your fucking notepad outta here
Howie Morenz and Rocket Richard
Came to CHeckout the game from 7th heaven
Gillett was skint - but he had sense
Molson lent him the necessary pence

What have we got? Yeh-o, magnificence!!

Pernell Luther King and Mahatma Gill
Went to the boards to CHeck in the game
Bs, will be moidered by our favourite team
Who went on to win 2-nil

You can be true, you can be false
You be given the same reward
SuperPleXXXe, Challah and moeMAn are fixin'
Went the same way - through Timmie's kitCHen
Lego the Dane and Rin Tin Tits
They's more famous than Mex's billion millions?
News Flash: VaCHuum CHleaner Sucks Up Cherry
Oooohh...bub-bye

Magnificence!!

FUCKING LONG, INNIT?

G Y F GAME 7 H G !!!!!!!

The late night early morning game 7 day skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of / having nightmares of the NDP holding the balance of power in Canada...
  • GOD FUCKING DAMN that felt good. Habs 2, Bs 1. All hail Squid and TFS and the 5 on 3. Squid now averaging more playoff points per game in a Habs uni than Guy Lafleur and Jean Beliveau. Milan Lucic is an asshole. More later;
  • DIE PHUCKTARDS DIE... is a rally cry that failed us last night as the PHucktards move on with a 5-2 win over the Sabres;
  • The Nucks needed a great game from Luuuuuu and overtime (after Chicago tied it with a shorty with under 2 minutes to play) to finally put away the Hawks and advance with a 2-1 win.
For some reason the NHL highlights aren't working. Conspiracy! Anyway, the Yahoo! highlights seem to work, so enjoy these long form video highlights after a win while you can because we're right back at it in less than 16 hours.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

On the brink of a horrible, horrible death - Game 6 preview and open thread


Well this could be it. Not to be the Debbie Downer or anything (that's LG's job!), but Habs now face elimination. Sure, we went 5-1 in elimination games last year, but that was then and this is now and now is not then. The guillotine blade could slice tonight. The ax and the sky may be about to fall. The collapse may be upon us. The ice of the Bell Center could be riddled with necrotizing fasciitis. The long march to Bataan is almost over. The road to Baghdad is paved with blood. Etc., etc. Let's break the last taboo with a death-themed blog post. No one said this would be pretty.

Waiting on death row - 7 PM start from the Bell, where the Habs are 0-2 so far this series in case you didn't know. I don't wish death upon anyone, but if every member of the CBC broadcast crew could suffer some sort of accident in the off-season that is non-fatal yet prevents them from returning next year, I would be ok with that.

DIE BRUINS DIE doesn't have quite the same ring to it as DIE PHUCKTARDS DIE for some reason - thanks to CH-Cornelius for pointing us to the moderately amusing Days of Y'Orr.

"Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to heaven." (W. Shakespeare) - closest thing we have to heaven so far in the series is Squid with his 7 points. TFS of course as well, who really can't be blamed for much, especially after he really rocked Game 5. For the Bs, Bergeron, Marchand, Thomas and (gulp) Ryder.

"In the cold, cold ground" (T. Waits) - A Mexican CHicken is in the guillotine for a reason. I would say our team defense has been pretty suspect all series. For the Bs, Krejci and Lucic have only one point apiece in the series. Imagine if they had been playing well. That's a total jinx for tonight.

At least it's better than palliative care - Neither DDD nor CHeez Whiz skated this morning so don't expect them in the lineup. Swiss Mister II, save us! Bs pretty healthy.

Losing your head to the guillotine - The Bs have yet to really lose their head so far this series. Credit to Julien I guess? We need them to do something really fucking stupid to get them off their game.

A fate worse than death - Chris Lee is the ref tonight.

Post-game adult entertainment - Linking to a necrophilia site is beyond even me. Linking to a video entitled "Female zombies craving for sperm", however, is right up my alley (nsfw, obvs).

(Hopefully not for the last time) GYFHG!!11!!!!

The (possibly last) Game Day Skate for Game 6

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Rachel Bilson in a bikini...
  • Hey if the Habs South can force a Game 7, why not Habs Classic? Bolts 4, Pens 2;
  • Joe Thornton gets the OT winner for the Sharks to send them the Conference semi-finals;
  • Shea Weber, Nicklas Lidstrom and a shaved gorilla are your Norris nominees;
  • Mike Richards gets zero games from the NHL Wheel of Justice;
  • The Canadian women lose the World Championship to the USA.
OK we're up at this ungodly hour to go to CBC studios to be on Daybreak at 6:40 AM (listen live) with our good friend Steph of Lady Loves Hockey. We guess we're talking about Game 6, or maybe Syria or something. We'll see.

Monday, April 25, 2011

The Morning Skate for Monday, April 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a day off today...
  • PHucktards force a Game 7 with an OT win;
  • So do the Blackhawks with an OT win of their own, thanks maybe to Luuuu coming into the game as the backup;
  • See? Game 7's are possible!
  • Except for Anaheim, who are the victims of the Preds first ever playoff series win;
  • The Bulldogs have advanced to the next round. See, our Bulldogs can do it too!
  • Except that DDD has some mysterious knee injury.
Happy Easter Monday everyone. CHeer up, it's a whole new week! Can't be worse than last week, right? Of  course we should be playing Game 6 tonight but Lady Gaga is more important. Begin debate about the musical talents and / or cultural relevance of Lady Gaga NOW.

MEDIA WHORING UPDATE -  Yours truly will be on CBC Daybreak tomorrow at 6:40 AM. Like you people are up at that hour. Fuck, we're not up at that hour.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

The 10 CHommandments ~ Habs need to resurrect after a 2-1 (OT) loss, Game Review and Opened Easter Creme Egg thread

I know, blasphemous, sacrilegious, cacao delicious. FHFellow and FHFeline friends of the Habs CHurCH, we are paying today with playoff watCHing penance. Say a couple Hail Careys and throw in a few Our Fathers who art in heaven, wake up the Forum Ghosts for Game 6. Confess FHFers, that was some good hockey until the impure Bruins parted the 2-2 series tie. Stay devoted, still hockey left. Until then, pray, play, sing Olé, Olé, Olé and obey ...
I ~ You shall have no other team but the Montréal Canadiens.

II ~ You shall make yourself a tender idol, in the form of Habs' goalies in heaven, and like Dryden and Roy on earth, you shall bow down to TFS™ in his blue ice and not be jealous of Vézina nominations, you shall not punish him for the inequity of his defense.
III ~ You shall make wrongful use of the name Gomez and always be acquitted.

IV ~ Remember the Stanley Cup and keep it holy, for six games you shall labour and get to game 7, you CHocula, your coaches, your Russian ox, your Mexican donkey, your young livestock, your resident Franco-Ontarion alien, all of you shall work hard and observe what Bob Gainey has CHommanded you and rest only when you raise the silver mug.

V ~ Honour your FHFers and Methers, as the lawyers have CHommanded them to follow you with faith and fear, ice cream and really good scotCH.
VI ~ You shall not kill or murder Horton, Lucic or Marchand but maybe punch them in their ugly face.
VII ~ You shall commit to adult play. Ovenmitts are optional, CHocolate sauce, strawberries and CHampagne aren't.
VIII ~ You shall steal Game 7 and send the Boston sinners to reflect on 40 years of carrying a worthless, fake black and gold cross of don cherry-inspired futility.

IX ~ You shall forever witness fucking false bears at the cbc/hnic.
X ~ Sacrificial Goat, you shall covet thy NHL neighbour's cap space and desire an exchange for your donkey, good luck with that.

SEX ~ Thou shall lick all the CHocolat thy better half has poured, painted, dipped, whipped and stripped on for you, you lucky bunnies.
G Y F Game6 H G !

Saturday, April 23, 2011

My name is HabsF__2_, and I'm a Habaholic - Game 5 preview and open thread


"If they lose Saturday, I'm out. 

Not out for the series.  Out for good. I seriously cannot stand this fucking team any longer.  I hate, HATE THIS FUCKING TEAM.  I'm dead sober, by the way. 

Honestly, fuck it. This team is not worth my time."


- Habsfan10, in a (no longer private) email after Thursday's fucking tragedy

Well sure you are, 10. You're out like I'm giving up meth. Let's face it, no matter how we feel after Thursday's game, we are all Habaholics. We cannot turn down the CHance to possibly, maybe, perhaps, God forbid, feel the glory of winning a game, winning a series, moving on to the next round, winning the Stanley Cup and having a parade down Ste Catherine Street. The potential for highs related to this team is just too much for us to give up. So no matter how much Thursday night left us in the gutter, face down in a pool of our own puke begging for change and prostituting ourselves to any warm body with a fiver walking by, we will all find ourselves in front of the TV tonight at 7 PM, desperately needing our fix of Habs success. I feel embarassed about my addiction, but that's the way it is. Maybe we all need a 12-step program:

Step 1 - I am powerless over my Habs addiction. I must be home to watch the game and this has made my life umanageable. I believe this to be true.

Step 2 - Oh Lord of the NHL (Bettman) I am powerless! Your calm, intelligent decisions will restore me to sanity.

Step 3 - I turn over my will and life to you Bettman. Thy will be done.

Step 4 - If I may take a moment to take personal inventory, I am a terrible person. I doubt the Habs daily by thinking they suck. My life has been a terrible waste of time passing endless hours and spending endless money following a dumbfuck hockey team that does absolutely nothing but torture me to no end (1973, 1976-79, 1986, and 1993 excluded).

Step 5 - I am wrong, oh Bettman, for thinking that the rules are applied fairly across the league.

Step 6 - Oh Bettman, I am wrong for wanting to watch the Habs even though THEY SUCK BALLS QUITE FREQUENTLY. This is a defect in my character, please correct it.

Step 7 - Oh Bettman, remove my shortcoming desire to want the Habs to win the Cup evey year. NTTAWWT.

Steps 8 and 9 - Ooh boy this is a tough one. I'd like to apologize and make amends to the following: HF10 for using his email quote without permission, CHokula for saying YOU SUCK many, many more times than was necessary, Yahweh for substituting Bettman for Him, FHF readers for this trite preview, any AA members or NA members or  _A members for this preview generally, CHicken for hating you (even though you deserve it), Cornelius Hardenbaugh (love thine enemy and so forth), George Costanza for refusing to lend him that expensive sweater becuase his giant head would stretch the neck hole too much, that CHick I promised to call and never did, that other CHick I promised to call and never did, that other other CHick I promised to call and really wanted to but actually lost her phone number (for realz!), and my family and friends who have suffered from the lies I have told ("I have to be home at seven for a, uh, meeting!") and the damage I have done (throwing that Ming vase during the '89 Finals) because of my Habs addiction.

Step 10 - I admit I am wrong and a terrible person for wanting a Shaved Gorilla to die a horrible death in as horrible a manner as possible. And Michael Ryder too while I'm at it.

Step 11 - Oh Bettman, I submit to your will and know you have the power to carry out the return of the NHL to Winnipeg and Quebec City.

Step 12 - I know all of you are Habaholics as well. Together, we can be healed. Amen!

Well that's it. But here we are, best of three, all the momentum lost, no more bullshit, let's just see what the fuck is gonna happen. I don't give a fuck who's playing, who's not playing, who's hot and who's not, or what strip club to go to after the game. It's all fucking irrelevant. You'll be watching, I'll be watching, Mom of 29 will be watching. Because no matter how much Game 4 blew chunks and tore out our collective heart like a bad batch of black tar heroin, we are addicted. We will always be addicted. Until we drop dead of an overdose at the age of 27. Better to burn out than to fade away.

GYFAddictiveHG

Friday, April 22, 2011

WTFHFuck! ~ Wasn't that the shit?! Habs fuck things up, lose 5-4 in OT to the fucking bruins ~ Game Review and Fucked over Open thread

Its a new fucking series kidz,
now a best of fucking 3,
on the fucking road again,
home ice advantage seems
to be fucking worthless.
No Sexy Friday?
Not so fucking fast.
~ ~ ~
What the FUCK happened CHocula? Did you ...
~ ~ ~
Now CHoke the fucking CHicken!
~ ~ ~
A F U just 4 U
~ ~ ~
Who fingered Andrew?
~ ~ ~
Have a Good, Sexy, Friday FHFers!
~ ~ ~
Le corps du CHrist d'Ostie'd CHill Pill
~ ~ ~
PleXXXe says we are still the
~ ~ ~
Bonne 53' Fête Sexie Andie!
~ ~ ~
I'm looking at you 29!
~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~

FHFuck You!

I see you leavin' my town

With the game i love and i’m like,

FHFuck you!

Oo, oo, ooo

I guess that seeing the Pocket

Wasn’t enough i’m like,
FHFuck you!

And FHFuck Anon too!


Geoff said, if i was riCHer, i’d still be with ya
Ha, now ain’t Mex some shit? (ain’t Mex some shit?)
And although there’s pain in my CHest

I still wish you the best with a …
FHFuck you!

Oo, oo, ooo

Yeah i’m sorry, i can’t afford a loss in OT,
But that don’t mean i can’t get you there.
I guess ferrence is a fuckface, proof is on my TV,

But the way you play your game ain’t fair.

I pity the fucking fools that left after Game 2

(oh shit they're black&gold big diggers)
Well
 (just thought you should know Beanah)

Ooooooh

I’ve got some news for you

Yeah go run and tell your FHFriends
Now i know, that i had to blog,
Meth and streak and cry but not CHeat.


Trying to keep ya, trying to please ya.
‘Cause being in love with Habs' ass ain’t CHeap.
BTW, I pity Nucks who falls in love with Lou

(oh shit Collie's a game rigger)

Well
 (just thought you should know Chesta)
Ooooooh (I really hate your ass right now)

I’ve got some news for you
Yeah gotta run and tell my FHFriends
Now PFK!, TFS™, Gio, why d’you wanna wanna hurt me so bad?

(CHicken so bad, Jaro 2.0 so bad, Mex so fucking bad)
I tried to tell Chocula but he told me
 “yes this one was bad”
(fucking bad, so fucking bad, really fucking bad)

Uh! Whhhy? Uh! Whhhy? Uh!

Whhhy OT!? Oh! I love you oh!

I still love you. Oooh!

Go You FUCKing Habs Go!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK


Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of giving up the lead three times then losing in OT...
  • FUCK. More later;
  • At least our goalie wasn't pulled (again) like Luuuuuuu. Hawks 5 Nucks 0;
  • San Jose takes a 3-1 series lead thanks to a 6-3 win over the Kings.
We're in no mood for Sexy Friday, sorry. FUCK.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Widespread Panic, Live in Montreal - Game 4 Preview and Open Thread

Game 4 with the Habs looking to take a stranglehold and the Bruins looking to steal home ice back and turn the tide entirely back towards them.  One fan base will feel widespread panic sometime later tonight ... will it be us or them? 

Panic!  At the Disco:
  Dance kicks off at 7:00 pm tonight at the Centre Bell, on all the usual suspects.  Take your gag inducing pick of the Canadian Bruinscasting Corporation featuring the xenophobic caveman stylings of former Boston Bruins Don Cherry, Mike Milbury and PJ Stock with senile Bob Cole two minutes behind the play-by-play, NESN and Versus with the homerific idiocy of Jack Edwards, or the xenophobic on the French side of the ledger wackiness of RDS (the D stands for Desharnais!).  Or, sound off.  Whatever works.  Hey, when is CBC bringing back that Punjabi channel?  Questions abound:  Do the Bruins continue to dance with the fat girl that brought them, Tim Thomas?  Will Chara forget to hydrate at another all night rave and dance back into the hospital?  Will Ryan White dance with Milan "I'll fight you when I'm good and ready, as long as you're not really a fighter and I can get the jump on you when you're tied up with another player" Lucic?  Will strippers dance for HF29 and Passover his lap? 

Panic Attacks: 
Habs are having some success by peppering  Fatso Tim Thomas with shots and waiting for him to give up rebounds bigger than his own ginormous arse.  If Thomas starts getting hot, someone is going to have to drive the net and get something ugly.  Cammy looks to be heating up again, the Captain is doing the job, Big Tits was a welcome addition to last game's lineup.  Bruins top line of Lucic, Horton and Krejci is getting eaten alive by SuperPlexxe, but Patrice Bergeron and Brad Marchand are starting to make the Habs very nervous. 

Panic Switch:
  All signs point to Claude Julien not being a fan of Silversun Pickups, because he doesn't look likely to go to the Panic Switch and put in Tuukka Rask this evening despite some struggles by Thomas.  Check out some of the conversations over at Eyes on the Prize, where Chris notes that Thomas's virtual lack of any technique leaves him vulnerable to guessing when he's off ... and he looks off.  On the other hand, if Chocula has to hit the Panic Switch and go to Alex Auld, SERIES OVER.  Just saying. 

Don't Panic:
  Carey Price, Roman Hamrlik, PK Subban and Hal Gill are the Ford Prefect to our Arthur Dent keeping things calm at the back end even when Jaro 2.0 gets a little fidgety.  Bruins without Chara on the ice have no such safety towel and run around like they just heard the Vogons announce they are fragging the planet for a new intergalactic space highway. 

Panic Room:  Which dressing room goes full meltdown if they are trailing after two?  After the Habs spirited but still unsuccessful comeback on Monday and Julien's propensity to lose his shit and look like an exasperated idiot on the bench if even the slightest thing goes awry, bet on the Bruins. 

Panic Yerreault:
  Oh, if only the Habs could sneak a faceoff expert like former skating in quicksand but never lost a draw Hab Yanic Perreault (actually, I'd prefer to sneak in Gilbert Perreault, but whatever) to tilt the possession time a little.  Maybe the possible return of Jeff Halpern might help. 

Banking Panic:  If high priced Mexican American, Squid and SuperPlexxe go cold, the Molsons will have a financial panic on their hands knowing extra playoff dates aren't going to put money in their pockets to pay these guys.  Bruins banking panic is coming soon, what with big money tied up in Thomas, Lucic, Chara, and Horton already and decisions to make on Kaberle and Ryder and Savard in a "window is quickly closing" kind of money crunch. 

Panique au village:  RDS might resemble this 2009 Belgian-Luxembourg-France stop-motion film if rumours are true and Benoit Pouliot sits for some bloody English dude like Halepern.  But they'll be the only ones because chicken looks like chicken shit right now.  Word on the HIO is Chicken might be getting a reprieve because of other injuries.  Oh shit.  PANIC!!

Got any panicky thoughts for tonight?  Keep them to yourself, Chicken Little.  We're trying to stay positive in here.

The Game 4 Day Skate FUCK YEAH BITCHES

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Miranda Kerr in a bikini...
GAME FOUR. PIVOTAL. Yes it's 5 AM and we can't sleep. Wake up bitCHes and get started on that routine early. WAKE UP.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 20th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a Men Without Hats reunion...
  • Dave Bolland came back from a concussion and scored 1G 3A and LOOOOOUUUU shat the bed. Result: Hawks 7, Nucks 2 and some minor signs of life for the Hawks;
  • The Sharks were down by 4 goals to the Kings but stormed all the way back and Devin Setoguchi (who? man, we should watch the West once in a while) scored in OT to give the Sharks a 6-5 win and a 2-1 series lead;
  • The NHL signs a 10-year, $2 billion deal to continue on NBC and Versus. TMS' opinion is that we live in Canada so we don't give a fuck;
  • Your obvious headline of the day: First goal crucial in Habs-Bruins series;
  • The Calder finalists do not include PFK. Racist bastards;
  • The NHL Wheel of Justice handed out a couple of token suspensions;
  • Well that Vinny Damphousse domestic abuse business took a strange turn as his (estranged) wife was charged with assaulting him.
You know, normally we'd be pissed about this two-days off thing, but it's for a Rush show and we simply can't be angry at the greatest band not in the Rock 'n Roll Hall of Fame. What the hell, let's play some Rush. Rock on.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

It's All. My. Fault. - Bs 4 - Habs 2 (Game 3 review)

GG11 is coming back from her Passover-induced purgatory in Leafland, so she's unavailable for Photoshop today... so you get whatever I can find with my Google-fu search of "Habs" and "good luck"
I'll just come right out and say it.

Yesterday's loss was all my fault.

Much like the team, I had gotten cocky and loose.  We had collectively lost the underdog edge that seems to be the source of this team's power. I thought this thing was in the bag. I thought we were in the Bs' heads, and that they wouldn't be able to win a game at the Bell Centre. Not with this cool, calm, collected, "all business" Habs team that said all the right things after game 2.

And so, I let go of all of the pregame superstitions. Not only did I let go of my innate pessimism and dared to dream about not only a series win but a friggin' sweep, I didn't wear my lucky jeans, jewelry, Koivu t-shirt, I didn't listen to the song stylings of Michel Como in the car on the way to work, I didn't switch seats with Mr. LG77, but, worst of all, I didn't pick up a towel on my way into the Bell Centre to wave like a born-again zealot... and I didn't turn around to go back and get one when I realized my mistake.

I failed you, Habs fans.

The good news is that we all seemed to have made similar mistakes in our cockiness.  The response to my question on twitter and in the TMS comment thread was seriously overwhelming, but I have to post them all because they're hilarious.  So here, for your pleasure, are the responses I got (in order of when I got them):

From twitter:

@alour: Forgot to put our flags up in our Habs room; wrong clothing (Both goals scored after changes); My Leafs fan fiance started rooting for Habs this game. Definitely altering world axis and pissing off hockey gods.

@kylemlambert: Started actually thinking sweep. I should have known better with this bunch - they lack the "let's make this easy" gene

@metricjulie: "It's my fault... I didn't drink... I was sober... only water... I'M SO SORRY!"

@doogie2k: My only break from routine was watching the game at 6 instead of 8 or later as I had Games 1 and 2. In my defence, I did this because I am now at the asscrack of dawn (5:30!) for an exam

@mbouf: I totally wore my jersey and hat again like first 2 games... But put the ensemble on much closer to puck drop than last 2.

@RiRi2514: Well, let's see... Oh, yeah, I wasn't wearing my hair the same was as Saturday/Thursday. Yup, that's gotta be it :(

@touteparpillee: I kept myself away from twitter. All day.

@number31: Habs started scoring when I turned on my Restaurant City and couldn't shut it down. Could say Bruins got served? *cassé*

@theactivestick sent me a list. 'Cause that's what she does:
1. My jersey has a good regular season record, but a terrible playoff record (0-fer). I wore it anyway, because...
2-My Markov shirt, which is so far almost undefeated, was washed but not dried when I left the house this morning.
3-I have seen the Habs win playoff games on the road, but never at home. 3 years in a row, I go to game 3 at the Bell and they lost.
4-It was Monday (let's just throw that in there, I'm sure it's a reason).
5-I saw dudes show up to the game with brooms.

My friend Alan: I think I pissed off the real God last night by checking the score on the iPhone hidden in my pocket while in the bathroom during seder.

My friend Fred (y'all know him as Jemmer): I didn't get to watch the game because I WAS A GOOD PERSON AND WENT TO REHEARSAL UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.  (*cough* What?)

And last, but certainly not least, from the commentariat and fellow bloggers in this morning's TMS:

moeman: I didn't drink enough (Me neither, my friend, but I wasn't going to add insult to injury and put a second mortgage on my house in order to afford a Bell Centre beverage)

soperman: I did not wear my Patrick Roy jersey or have my lucky Habs poker chip in my pocket. Plus, I was trying the watch the game on the computer and make sure my Broon-fan students weren't trying to cheat off my hard-working Habs-fan students.

Kmaxx: For Games 1 & 2 I was on a family break in, as you guys like to call it - "The Land of 54mbs" (or something like that) so I had only a very limited amout of time in which I could join in on the discussions. I followed the results through the comments by commenting on the Open Thread before each game. I asked only for a compentent performance and added GYMFCHG! Then I left it. And both times the Habs won!

Last night I put my obligatory request for competence but then added to it with several follow up comments. I should have just STFU and left well enough alone. I watched the first period on the RDS
stream (which was excellent btw!) and then called it a night as I knew that I had jinxed the whole fuckin' thing. It was my fault - I'm sorry - it won't happen again! (I hope!) Forgive me please!


Alexandra: When the camera was on Muller, I did not put the game on pause, strip off my clothing and dance for him. This, LG, is why we lost. (This one cracked me up - you and me both, Alexandra...)

Mr. natural: Couple of things, first I drank too much. Second changed my wardrobe for the third period so you know I'm sticking with that get up on Thursday.

Steve:  did not select an official Club de Montreal puck bunny. I did not wear my new official Club de Montreal TITS T shirt. I wondered why the kid with the torch wore a helmet and cage, was it really a kid or just a little man?
I lost faith after the first goal, and did not have the strength to comment. I did not celebrate TITS fantastic goal enough. I did not believe they could come back.


MaxPac is Wolverine: It's my fault. As soon as Jean Beliveau stepped out carrying the torch, although I was thrilled to see him, I said outloud that Habs' brass was setting the team up for failure by hyping the game up so much. It should've been ALL BUSINESS.
The Hockey Gods' reaction was immediate.


Moey: Was soooo tempted to put on my Chara sucks tee but just couldn't be arsed. So the loss is totally my fault. *sigh*

Hadulf: I wore my red canadiens pyjama t-shirt full of holes, that I never wear on game days...guilty...and I apologize.

Mr. West Island: I played Annakin Slayd's new song and then 'Feels like '93' just before the game in order to teach her a little about Canadiens histpry and explained to her the Habs were a family tradition. My bad.

Not Geoff Molson: I was at work and checked the score on The Score too early. I checked it in the first, compared to Thursday when I didn't check it until the late second. Sorry folks.
Bill 10-4: posted GYFHG!! twice instead of once. Did not enjoy my morning cup of java from my habs Jocelyn Thibeault chipped coffee mug. so sorry, please forgive

Grrrreg: I didn't want to start wearing my habs shirts just yet, because I thought times were not desperate enough for this. I wanted to save them for more delicate situations. I'm rocking my Dryden shirt on thursday for sure.
LeDouze: Mea culpa - I made fun of a sunny LG77 post. (Hell no - that one's on me for writing that shit to begin with)

orangeman: I shaved off my beard. It was never meant to be a playoff beard, but apparently I screwed over the Habs with my selfish shaving. I apologize and it won't happen again.

And, finally, HF29: I only did five hits of meth instead of my usual six. I'll correct for Thursday.

There really is only one conclusion from all of this. To quote Hadulf: "We are a weird bunch sometimes..." Word, my friend.  But, it's the playoffs. How else do you explain the conspicuous absence of help from the goal posts and, frankly, cashing in on lucky bounces that was absent for Game 3 but that saved our team's bacon repeatedly during Game 1 and 2?

The inescapable conclusion is that the weird is the only thing that placates the hockey gods.

Clearly, we all failed last night, at least for the first 30 minutes. Let this be a lesson to us all for Thursday night.  I will attempt to regain my foothold on the path of the righteous by saying the following...

... I told you on the Pantscast it would be Boston in 6.** ;)

(** note, am only saying this in order to keep superstitions alive. If the Habs build on their most excellent 3rd period last night, I think game 4 is ours. But, I may nor may not mean it. Maybe. Possibly. Gah, I don't know anymore. *drink*)

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, April 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting your nose bit off by a shih-tzu...
  • Well, you didn't think the Habs would win four straight did you? Habs come out flat and fall into a 3-0 hole, storm back only to lose in the end 4-2 (with the last one into an empty net). We'd like to tell you more, but, well, the brisket and matzoh were delicious. More later today;
  • Brian Boucher steadies the PHucktards' back end and they take a 2-1 series lead over the Sabres with a 4-2 win;
  • Somehow the Pens have managed to take a 2-1 series lead over the Bolts even without their top scorers thanks to a 3-2 win;
  • The Wings look to be headed for a sweep after they beat the Yotes 4-2;
  • Bruce Boudreau has some problems with MSG;
  • Bruce Boudreau has some problems with the NHL.
Deep breath? Sigh? Your choice this morning.

Monday, April 18, 2011

FHF Passover Seder (and Game 3) preview and open thread


INT. The tastefully decorated dining room of HabsFan29.

HF29: Thank you all for coming and joining us for the first annual FHF passover seder. I am deligh--- BOONE GET AWAY FROM THAT SCOTCH. We've got four glasses of wine to drink.

Boone: Fuck off.

HF29: Language, Michael. This is a tasteful, meaningful occasion.

Boone: Look you little pissant shit, this isn't the HIO comments section and you're not my dickface of an asshole editor. I will fucking speak the way God intended us to fucking speak.

HF29: As I was saying, I am delighted so many of the Montreal Jewish hockey community has gathered here to celebrate our people's release from bondage. Tonight, we will tell the story of---

Squid: Is this going to take long? I've got somewhere I need to be.

HF29: No no, don't worry. A few prayers, a quick nosh, and you're outta here. Six, seven hours tops.

Squid: Uh, ok. Excuse me, I just need to uh, use the washroom.

Sound of door closing and glass breaking

HF29: Hope he's ok in there. No one else has anything they'd rather be doing, right? Jeff?

CHallah but for the next eight days Matzoh: No no I'm good. I once skipped a game for Yom Kippur, so this is no big deal. Plus I'm injured. I can stay all night, though I should be reclining.

HF29: It's time to ask the four questions. We need the youngest person here. GoldenGirl, what happened to Squid?

GG: (peeking under the table) He just scored! WOOOO!!!

HF29: Put that iPhone away.

GG: I was just, uh, checking on my kids.

HF29: OK now it's time to recall the ten plagues---

A loud BOOM interrupts

Boone: What the fuck was that shit?

HF29: Just the meth lab in the basement. Ignore it. We can now enjoy the festival meal.

Matzoh: Mmm, this dessert is delicious.

HF29: Jeff, you can't eat that Danish I got at a coffee shop. It's passover.

Matzoh: Whoops, sorry about that. I better go to the bathroom to uh, get rid of it.

Boone: I better go with him.

HF29: And now it's time to open the door to welcome Elijah the Prophet. GG, go open the door. LEAVE THAT FUCKING IPHONE HERE.

GG: (opens door) Whoa there's a short little Jewish guy here. Looks kind of like Gary Bettman.

Bettman the prophet: After careful study the results of which I will ignore to substitute my own opinion, this seder is doomed to fail. From now on I decree that all passover seders shall only be held in the Southern States. So it shall be written, so it shall be done.

GG: Back in a sec, just need to use the bathroom.

HF29: (stares at empty table for 20 minutes) That's it, I give up. If only there was someone who could take control and lead us to the Promised Land...


HF29: NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM BUT FFS NOT DURING THE PLAYOFFS

Fin
*****************************************

Wandering around for 40 years waiting - 6:30 PM start at my cousins'. For the rest of you, 7:30 start at the Bell and of course it's on the concussion-loving CBC. If there's one good thing about tonight for the Jews, it's that it will be mercifully free from the plagues of Cold, Galley, Healy and Cherry.

Keep those un-kosher crackers out of your Stanley Cup of Chowder.

Hot like the desert sands on the Jews' sandaled feed - Mom of 29's brisket kicks ass. And her delicious kugel. Oh, and Squid, Gio, Gomez, PFK and TFS.

Flat like matzoh - The Bruins big forwards (of both size and stature) like Lucic and Krejci have sucked. And their defense is no prize either. Tom Thomas' rebound control.

Bleeding like a slaughtered lamb - no official word that the Shaved Gorilla playing, but he was on the ice this morning so I'm sure he'll go. No word on Tits though he also skated this morning, and CoaCH Moses won't announce his lineup until close to game time.

Post-seder / post-game adult entertainment - You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy these 30 Hottest Jewish Women Under 40.

GYMatzoh-lovin'FHG!

The Game Three Day Skate for Monday, April 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Microsoft changing patent law forever...
  • Credit to the Rangers for not rolling over and coming out of Game 3 with a 3-2 win to narrow the Caps' series lead to 2-1;
  • Don't expect to see a repeat Cup champion this year as Vanc takes a 3-0 series lead over the Hawks with a 3-2 win;
  • Preds grab a 2-1 series lead after a 4-3 win over the Ducks;
  • The Montreal Juniors are out of the playoffs;
  • Jack Todd is reasonable today, albeit his usual over the top bloviating way;
  • From the Boston Globe: Ray Allen comes up big with a three to win Game 1 for the Celts, and the Sox are back on track after winning their second in a row. Oh, and the Bruins are desperate.
Matza! Four glasses of wine! It's Passover seder #1 tonight! Oh sure, you could watch Game 3 of Habs-Bs, but then you'd be missing all the fun of five hours of praying. Yes we're bitter about this scheduling conflict. ANYWAY, as we have yet to post this at FHF, here's this year's Annakin Slayd entry. Seems like pretty much the same as previous years, but FOR PATCHES.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Predictions are for Gypsies: Habs 3 - Bs 1. Holy. Shit.

2 isn't 4. I couldn't agree with you more, Mr. Price.
All business. Ditto to you, Mr. Subban.

But, dude. I don't think anyone, even the people who called for the Habs in 7 games (the most optimistic prediction I heard last week), called for Nos Glorieux to go up 2-0 on the Bs after the first two games in their own barn.

I would continue waxing rhapsodic about the seriously awesome attitude coming from the room (embodied by Carey's mathematical observation linked above), but I don't have enough space to link to every single video that I've watched over the past few days. Suffice it to say that this is a quietly confident team, whose confidence is building by the second.

Someone (either on twitter or something I heard) said that the Habs are a team that "gets" the playoffs. They have all, to a man (not including chickendudes) elevated their respective games to a level that allows them not only to compete, but to friggin' dominate a team that everyone, myself included, thinks is a better team on paper.

Mssrs. Gainey and Goat, you have clearly built a team that is designed for the playoffs, from the players, down to the (I'll admit it) coach. I may not love this style of hockey, but it gets the job done.  Still don't love the Count Chockula, but today, I will say: "Chapeau, monsieur Martin."  I honestly didn't think that you and your system had this in you.

That's not to say that I haven't found stuff to worry about... I hope that the problems that plagued the "Mr. Hyde" Habs have been banished for good.  I hope that, if Claude Julien decides that Timmeh should really be stuffing his face with Bell Centre hot dogs and that, to quote Our National Buffoon, "Task" starts in nets for the Bs on Monday, that he doesn't play like the second coming of Cam Ward.  After all, I wouldn't put it past any of the Bs to go all Justin Williams on Gionta... It would be mild compared to the some of the other shit that they've pulled this year.

But I'll stop worrying on this rainy Sunday morning in Montreal. As far as I'm concerned, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and I think there are rainbows and ponies off in the distance.

2 may not be 4. But on this Sunday morning, it feels pretty darned good.  Tomorrow's gonna be all kinds of Epic.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Suck on these highlights HNIC



So we can sleep in tomorrow without you people complaining we're late posting anything, enjoy these long-form highlights after a win. They feature a play-by-play man who gets excited for Habs goals. A play-by-play man who works for NESN, you Canadian Broadcasting Corporation dickfaces. The Montreal Canadiens just went into hostile enemy territory and won two games. You could at least feign interest.

Morning update: lap dance to code_monkey for pointing us to this PFK post-game interview. Instant classic.

Grace Under Pressure ~ Round 1 - Game 2 ~ Relaxed Habs vs. pressured Bruins, Game Preview and soothing open thread

Are the Bruins about to crack?
Are the Canadiens ready to turn the screws?
Game 2 bitCHes!
After the image ~ There's always anti-CHambre and the hnic CHomedy once the game is over on RDS, Versus, NESN and cbc. I think I'll be watCHing The Comedy Awards cuz Tina Fey is sexy and funny.
Distant, Early Warning ~ Oh, oh, breaking news says chara is said to be feeling the pressure and was admitted to the hospital for dehydration. Sure. While he's on the gurney, check to see if he has a heart. I say he's afraid to get de-hided, again. False alarm, the shaved gorilla is playing. Make his blood pressure boil boys. Journal de Montréal got a hospital pic.
Red Sweater A ~ Gotta give our boys an A for effort in Game 1. Lead by Captain Gio, his MexiCAN! friend, TFS™, some stellar D and pitCH perfectly planned playoff coaCHing. Do it again!

The Enemy Within the TD Garden (Part 1 of Fear) ~ Bs shit their hockey Pants! in their pressure cooker arena that once gave them home ice advantage. Habs need to score first again to blow the top off the series whilst we sit back and watch the Bs fans lose their ugly lids. How about them Red Sox!?
The Body ElectriCH ~ Genius clod julien turns up the heat by making his charged up gooins practice crowding and crashing the Habs' net. Bodies'll be flying.

Kid Gloves ~ Lego, DDD, TFS™, PFK! BAMF are all gaining post season experience. kadri isn't.

Red Lenses ~ Good goalie read over at The Gazette. Someone will have to translate and read it to shawn thornton.

Between the gerbil Wheels ~ PleXXXe's bitCH david krejci says all they need to do is score, that's all. Oh and he doesn't like the diving PFK!

Need to relieve some stress? ~ Go dance at an Apple Store.

Slow cooked recipe for pulled muscles ~
Slow cooked recipe for success ~ Pulled pork.

On my table ~ Infinium and Ali Larter
On Moey's ~ Purrfect amount of pressure.

Like G & G another great duo delivers ~ G Y F H G !



Pressure pushing down since '73

Pressing down since no Bobby Orr
Under pressure - that burns bruins buildings down
Splits Cornelius in two
Parades Ray Bourke on the street


It's the Bs terror of knowing
What playoff chokes are about
WatCHing some good FHFriends
Screaming meth me out!
Play tomorrow - gets my comments higher
Pressure on Bs people - PJ shits his sheets


CHippin' around - kick my Pants! around the floor
These are the days it never creams but comments pour
People with big feet - chara's dick is petite


It's hnic's error of showing
What bob cold speaks about
WatCHing my good FHFriends
Screaming SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Fun Sunday tomorrow - Habs gets me higher
Pressure on TSN people - webpage says Bs can be beat


Cherry turned away from it all like a fucking blind man
Sat on a Boston fence but it won't work out
Kept coming up with men but it was too many, Bs' hopes were torn


Whine - whine - whine
I Love Lafleur


cbc insanity laughs, under pressure don's CHracking
Can't we give their Bs one more CHance
Why can't they give Habs love
Cos Habs love's such an old Gallivan'd word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of their Cup fight
And love dares you to CHange our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is your last dance
This is your last CHance
This is ourselves
Under pressure
Under pressure
Pressure

Friday, April 15, 2011

CHart topper ~ Rolling Stoned's Album Review of Boston, maybe the greatest compilation of hits of all time (except last night's 2-0 loss to the Habs)

Got to put another quarter in the jukebox, back in a few minutes ...

Classic platinum playoff performance by our Canadiens in Boston last night. Habs are lossless, lets keep it that way, no need to compress The System™ content but definitely orchestrate and enCHore or two or three. Keep the sound level of the TD Center down to barely noticeable, better yet cancel the noise completely. We know that even turning the volume down to zero the ǝƃɐʇsʞɔɐq sqoɾʍolq ǝǝɹɟ ƃuıʌıƃ ǝɹɐ sǝıdnoɹƃ uoʇsoq ɔıuɥ/ɔqɔ. Time for die-hard FHFans to amp it up again tomorrow for some more delicious meth-laced ice cream.

Game 1 Tracks ~

1. ~ "More Than a Feeling"   ~ @ 2:44, Captain Gio gave us all the Boston buzz we needed belting out an awesomely tuned goal, timed to perfection by a remastered Gomez pass. You'd thing these cats have been jamming together for a while.

2. ~ "Peace of Mind" ~ Number 31 Carey Price stopped 31 of 31 little black discs. That CHilled white boy can sure play, especially in Boston, 3rd playoff shutout, all against Boston. Virtuoso performance and the beginning of an Epic ReCHord.
3. ~ "Foreplay/Long Time"  ~ Man was that meth-induced second period by the Bs a doozy or what. It seemed to go on forever. Boston was forechecking and forcing the play, outshooting the Habs 18-6 in the process. The System™'s needle seemed broken but the Goat dropping a few coins on some extra D arms made the difference.

B's Side Tracks ~

1. ~ "Rock & Roll Ban'D" ~ The vaunted Boston backend group slipped up a few times tonight. They played a few licks but they weren't sound enough or of any noticeable hi-quality. Ex-leaf Kaberle tripped on his first Boston playoff gig. Pretzel Lucic, another Boston fuck-up, couldn't blow his own horn tonight. The Habs on the other hand picked away and played their positions very well. Sopel strummed along the blue ice to block what could've been an ear-splitting goal whilst the ugly Horton fell flat banging away trying to drum out PFK! 

2. ~ "Smokin'" Gomez strips a CHord off of Pretzel, diddies a nice back pass to Gionta @ 16:42, suCH sweet, sweet music.
3. ~ "HitCH a Ride"  ~ What can you say about Gainey putting this group together. With the help of 'Travelling' Trevor Timmins, he assembled a harmonious ensemble of raw rookies and veteran rockers that has the Canadiens crowd wanting more. Even losing key player Halak hasn't affected the playback. Bob and Trev's protégés TFS™ and PFK! were once again in the Boston spotlight.

4. ~ "Something About You"  ~ Chara is one Instru mental case. Word is he wrote a love song for PatCHes! Too bad he doesn't listen to AM.

5. ~ "Let Me Take You Home Tonight" ~ Win one on the road in Boston and home ice advantage is no longer and issue. Habs pretty much shut up the hecklers. No mosh pit for you Beaners. Go home, oh wait, most of you left early.

~ ~ ~

Penning a parody for playback ... on tomorrow's follow up album.
Rock on you fucking Habs!

The Morning Skate for Sexy Friday, April 15

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of WAGs in Playboy...
  • Fuck da Broons, fuck the media in general and CBC in particular. Habs 2, Bs NOTHING. Major props to TFS of course, but also Gio and his two goals, The Mexican American and his sweet, sweet passes, Plexxxe for goading the shaved gorilla into the dumbest penalty to ice the game, PFK and the whole defense frankly for keeping most of the 31 shots low quality, CHokula even, well let's face it everyone. Even if we lose the next 4 straight, this was awesome. More later today;
  • Die PHucktards, die! Sabres 1, Flyers 0;
  • Joe Pavelski had the OT winner for the Sharks as they beat the Kings 3-2;
  • Vincent Damphousse has been charged with six counts of assaulting his wife. Innocent until proven guilty, etc., but ick. Nothing funny about domestic violence.
Long form highlights after a playoff win over the Bs + a TV commercial for, we don't know, tits maybe? = greatest Sexy Friday ever. Have a good one everyone.



Thursday, April 14, 2011

CBC Hockey Night in Canada Live From Boston! - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread

Outside TD Banknorth Garden, shots of Bruins fans streaming into the rink, yelling at the camera, Chara and Lucic jerseys and the odd pink Red Sox hat (on the ladies). Ron Maclean voiceover:

Maclean: Less than one year after they suffered a catastrophic semifinal defeat to the Philadelphia Flyers after leading the series 3-0, Zdeno Chara, Tim Thomas and the rest of the Bruins resume their quest for Lord Stanley's Mug on CBC tonight at 7pm in Beantown. Cam Neely watches on from the President's box as the Big Bad Bruins go for some silver to match their traditional black and gold, tonight on CBC Hockey Night in Canada! With me as always is Boston's favourite son, Donald S. Cherry.

Cherry: Whoooaaaaa!!! The Boston Garden loves me. I gotta say, that Karboorlay, he's from the Leafs, that guy is dynomite. And that Chara, Looocic, those guys are just like Bobby and Cashman, who I had back in the day. We're ready tonight, that's for sure!

Maclean: Don, what do the Bruins have to do tonight to get past last year's collapse?

Cherry: Well, you know that sort of thing can make you a bitter, angry, xenophobic jerk if you aren't careful, kinda like it did to me when we lost the 1979 semifinals. You know, kinda like how Leaf fans feel about Kerry Fraser in 1993. Those Leafs though, next year, they're gonna do it, you betcha! That Ryemar, he's somethin'.

Maclean: Well noted. Over to the panel for more on the Bruins.

Panel lead by Maclean with Mike Milbury, Garry Galley, Glen Healy and PJ Stock.

Maclean (out of breath after running up stairs from ice level): First game of the 2011 playoffs for the Bruins tonight, with a supercharged atmosphere due to the recent history between Boston and their opponents. Thoughts?

Milbury jumps in immediately: Well, their opponents are obviously a bunch of cheating, diving, whining pussies who can't even handle a routine hockey play like driving a man's head into the stanchion, hitting him with an elbow pad in a scrap or going into the crowd to wail on a man with his own shoe. Fucking pansies.

Healy: Plus, the Bruins have better goaltending, defence, forwards, size, speed, looks, fighters, celebrity fans, colours and tv advertisements than their opponents tonight, who are all tiny ballet dancers with no heart and pee their pants at the slightest hint of contact.

Stock: I love Bruins. I love ... hockey player. I love ... lamp.

Maclean: Well said, PJ. Love Bruins indeed. But what of the pressure on Boston's opponent's goaltender, who must try to emulate his predecessor who cost the CBC untold millions when we picked another first round matchup to show last season and ignored millions of viewers?

Milbury shouts over everyone: Why, that guy can barely fight. He could have killed Tim Thomas if he was a real man, but he didn't even try to beat him to death with his blocker or a stanchion or a shoe, like any self-respecting Bruin would have. If I was the GM of that team, I would totally trade him for the 2011 equivalent of Oleg Kvasha and Mark Parrish and choose a far inferior, injury prone goalie 1st overall in the draft, ignoring two bonafide 50 goal snipers in the process. That'll teach him.

Stock: I killed a man with a trident.

Milbury: CAUSE YOU'RE A MAN, PJ!!! THAT'S WHY YOU KILLED A MAN WITH A TRIDENT!!!

Stock: I don't know why we're yelling. Loud noises!

Galley: See, that's the problem right there, is the Bruins opponent doesn't have any trident killing skill. They're all busy shutting teams down defensively, getting superior goaltending, trying to be opportunistic on the powerplay. But that sort of thing won't work against this big, tough, talented, stanchion crushing Bruins team, just like it didn't work all season long or last playoffs. They're just not good enough to be a National Hockey League team at all. No wonder they lost every game versus the Bruins for the last 50 years and only made the playoffs due to luck and shootout wins. It's scientific fact that the Bruins are better in every single possible way.

Maclean: Speaking of scientific fact, we've got Cassie Campbell down outside the Bruins dressing room with noted medical expert Dr. Mark Recchi. Cassie?

Cassie Campbell: Right, thanks Ron. I'm here with noted concussion expert and Bruins veteran Dr. Mark Recchi. Dr. Recchi, what are your totally valid and not at all inflammatory feelings about Zdeno Chara's obvious hockey play from earlier this year?

Dr. Recchi: Well, Cassie, if there's anything I learned from my numerous medical degrees from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, the University of Animal Husbandry of West Monrovia, and Queen's University, plus the stuff I learned through careful study of every single documented case of concussion ever in the history of the world, it's that no one would ever watch a movie ever again after a concussion. And walking with any concussion symptoms or tweeting or even speaking coherently means that the person is obviously faking to get Zdeno suspended. In fact, I would wager all those knee injuries to our opponent's defence are all fake too, since they all seem to be able to give interviews and eat in restaurants, and as my extensive knowledge of medicine shows, those things are impossible with a knee injury. I also notice your lips seem incredibly bright and glossy; you should get that checked because it is definitely polio. I'm a noted medical expert, regularly asked my opinion on greater Boston media outlets, so you should heed my advice.

Cassie: Uh, I'm wearing lip gloss. It's not polio.

Dr. Recchi: Well, that's what I expected you to say. The mind is the first thing to go with polio. Look at poor Eric Lindros.

Cassie: Lindros doesn't have polio, and neither do I.

Dr. Recchi: Aren't you a trooper. Remind me of my good friend John Cullen after he was diagnosed with rabies. Lost all his hair from the leeching we performed.

Cassie: Ron?

Maclean: Cassie, PJ says he has a question for Dr. Recchi.

PJ: Excuse me, Cassie?

Cassie: Yes? What is it, PJ?

PJ: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.

Cassie: Excuse me?

PJ: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?

Cassie: PJ, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?

PJ: That's it.

Cassie: Did Milbury tell you to say this, PJ?

PJ: No. Yes. He did.

Cassie: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.

PJ: Very well. Glen, would you like to go to a party in my pants?

Healy: No, PJ.

Cherry interrupts: Ya know who deserves a pants party? Nazdaq Kaldrah, that's who! Why Brian Burke didn't keep this kid up all year is beyond me! Scored 3 goals in the preseason and was a plus 1! And faceoffs! If they had kept that Ziger... uh, Zeegah ... uh, Zig-oh-man-is up to kill penalties and take faceoffs, the Leafs would have won the division! Makes me sadder than when one of our beautiful boys or girls in the army comes home dead because some Liberal pinko cancelled a jet fighter project!

Milbury: YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO SHOW RESPECT? THAT KID, YOU KNOW, THE UPPITY ONE. NO SHOWBOATING, NO BACKING AWAY FROM FIGHTS. HE NEEDS TO MAN UP, JUMP INTO THE OPPOSING TEAMS BENCH AND SMASH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL. NONE OF THIS DIPSY DOODLING, SCORING GOALS AND PLAYING GREAT DEFENCE. THAT'S NOT HOCKEY! DISRESPECTFUL.

Cherry: Ya, that Pee-Kay Sooblab is a real troublemaker! Could learn a few things about respect from a good Canadian boy like Mike Richards.

Maclean: To be fair, I believe PK Subban is Canadian.

Cherry: Not MY Canada, he ain't. Same as all those frogs in Frenchietown. Leafs don't have any of those guys. Just good, solid Canadian boys like Phanoaf and Koolieman and Kessel.

PJ: I ate a big, red candle. It didn't taste like the Kool-Aid man at all.

Maclean: Alright, we're almost ready for puck drop. Predictions for the series?

Milbury: Bruins in 4.

Healy: Bruins in 4.

Galley: Bruins in 4.

PJ: Foreign Bruins.

Cherry: Leafs in six. Let's go!

Maclean: Now, up to Bob Cole in the booth. Bob?