Tuesday, April 08, 2008

TMS Looks Back at the (FHF) Season That Was

Whew. 82 games, 620 FHF posts. That's alot of snark, bullet points and strippers. My arms are tired. And my brain hurts. And it's not the meth. As our pre-playoffs respite begins Day 2, let's look back at the season that was through the lens of the FHF's Greatest Hits (So Far):

And yea, the emails begat the blog and the blog began. And nay, the people did not read nor comment. And yea, we thought we would chronicle the Habs sucking. That would have been funnier.

And yea, the first half-naked woman doth appeared for no reason. And there was much rejoicing. The off-season dragged on, we posted Angelica Bridges. And there was much rejoicing. We signed Breezer. And there was, uh, less rejoicing.

Panger, looking for an off-season UFA center, descibed Slowinski as a journeyman, and said "and Gainey ain't looking for no journeymen." If you say so Panger. Koivu had a tough off-season with the press, and HF33 showed he was the thoughtful one around here. But he quickly put that to rest when he said "Hate brings in traffic. Let them hate" - and there was trouble. Later in the season we hated the Flyers, and the Philly fans were strangely quiet.

As the season approached, the stripperriffic ratings were born. And we'd never be the same. Yours truly re Milk Carton Mike in our previews: "He’s the only 'natural' scorer we’ve got." Riiiiight. HF10 had the sense to say about Big Tits "I think the Habs have a future star on their hands and I can’t wait to see what he can do on a scoring line." Well done sir!

The season started sort of blech, highlighted by an OT loss to the Leafs. But very soon after, the Franchise Saviour was born. We were brought back down to Earth by the Sens, and SLC and his gambling ways. HF10 cheered us up with some killer Leafs-bashing disguised as satire, and the FHF revealed its superstitions in the form of pectoral muscles.

Larry Robinson's #19 was retired, and HF33's mom may or may not have had sex with him. Later in the year, Bob Gainey's #23 was retired, and the Habs celebrated by sucking.

The season dragged on through December, and we discovered HF33 was a Sopranos fan. The Habs were embarassed by the Wings. The bottom of the barrel had been reached. But could Little Tits light the way? Pairs of tits would quickly light the Philly sky.

[[As we pause for a commercial break, like the Oscars, here's the death montage. Quite a sad year for the Habs family, and we treid to always capture their spirit. John Ferguson. Sam Pollock. Tom Johnson. Kenny Reardon.]]

The New Year brought Andrei Markov, All-Star. It also brought Mickey Ribs, All-Star. Fuck you, you fucking ungrateful little fuckity-fuck.

Bob's first-half report gets lost in the translation. Mom of HF29 tells it like it is after her wonderful yet unmarried and no grandchildren lawyer son takes her to a game. With the Habs beating the Devils, the impossible was now possible. Talk about impossible - the FHF had a threeway.

As February began, the Sens continued to spank us, and our season was turning into a big fat ass. Especially with Rhino the purse snatcher. But we were rescued by Big Tits and his "Orrvechkin" miracle goal. Then Jaro speek for feerst time, and an internet sensation was born. And the Habs miraculously came back against the Rangers, and we all knew we could sleep with the hottest chick in the room.

The trade deadline came and went, with the Habs dumping HueT (we miss that "T" *sniff*) and we cried when Hossa went to the Pens. But the ship stayed afloat, and HF33 asked world leaders if the Habs were really that good. As March began, a long-awaited win against the Devils showed we were.

As the season wound down, Habs headed West and took some time off to masturbate. We still couldn't beat the Sens, and had moments of sucking late into March. But 8-0 against the Broons was a tonic, and we clinched a playoff spot by finally beating the Sens. And soon we'd clinch the divsion the same way. And we clinched the Conference by having an afternoon nap.

And yea, HF33 begat HF4. And it was good.

See you in the playoffs. Can you fucking believe that? Go hockey.

17 comments:

Senators Lost Cojones said...

Beautiful. Epic. You guys *sniff* rocked it all season. GO HOCKEY! Somebody pass me a tissue.

Good luck against the Broons. As there's a strong chance I won't survive the first round (not the team. Me. Personally. Have you seen the comments I'm getting from Pens fans?), you should all know now that Les Glorieux still hold a (small) special place in my heart.

Pants!

Habsfan10 said...

Memmmm-reeeees ... of the season left behiiiiiinnnnddd. Misty water-coloured memmmm-reeees ... of the way we were ...

EVERYONE!

Scaaaterrrred pictures ...

Good times, all.

"You`ve got to marinate!"

Anonymous said...

Director:
It is our opinion that the writers of this so called "Web Log", also known in popular culture apparently as a "blog" are not an immediate danger to the government or business interests.
It should be noted however that there is a high level of what is popularly known as 'sarcasm' and also 'irony' on this site. These categories of 'humour' are indicative of anti-social attitudes, the reluctance to be pacified by corporate sit-coms (situation comedies, 'the Dick Van Dyke show, for example), and probably the use of narcotics as well.
There have been numerous references to 'Meth', probably code for some sort of narcotic we are not familiar with, by one of the 'webloggers' on this site, and there are also foreign users who have indicated heavy and continual use of 'coke'.
We believe 'coke' might in fact be code for cocaine, a narcotic stimulant that is said to be grown in Columbia and Peru, and is generally used by pop stars and other people in the entertainment industry, such as Madonna for example, a pop singer who now lives in England and is a known to be Catholic.
We believe this web site should be monitored. We do not yet know what the term ‘Habs’ means, but we might try the encyclopedia web site ‘Wikipedia’, although of course this also a leftist web site known to be founded by a person who does not like shopping.
Liquidation is therefore not yet recommended.
Hong Kong bureau
April 8 08

fezworth said...

@anonymous - Pants.

Loser Domi said...

@anonymous: Chicken necks?

Seriously,it's been a great time over here. Good luck against the Bruins

Reasonable Doubt for a Reasonable Price said...

Bravo, gents. From the last place team to the first place team, a hat tip. Hope to see you in the MYFO Playoff Pool.

Noda said...

Great post! And Jaro should make a post before the playoffs are done to let us know how the bench is doing!

Go Hockey!

Anonymous said...

Lacky Mentreal Canedien, play like crep and facking assholes ween conference title with no talent teem while Jaro masturbate by himself.

This time they not need Jaro to go to playoff, da facking Cari does all the play, even last game against shitty Lafs from Taronto Jaro still masturbating. Jaro miss Cristoball Huwet who get hurt all da time and give Jaro chance to play. Now Mentreal meneger want to win cap, Jaro laff, Jaro leeve with Garbovski on next train to Platsberg and facking Cari gona shit in coach pants.

Jaro not masturbate no more, euh maby not, enyway, Jaro leave Mentreal and nabody notice until facking Cari fack up. Then coach say to Jaro to play, but Jaro not there anymore, ha, ha, ha. Fak you Canedien, Baston Brooms will sweep facking Cari Price while Jaro make luv to is galfriend.

(Jaro post is a FHF trade mark)

fezworth said...

nice!

HabsFan4 said...

WTF? When did I lose the rights to Jaro!!!????

Know your place people.

Habsfan10 said...

Jaro belongs to the world now, 4.

lawyergirl77 said...

You know, I keep thinking about what would happen if Jaro ever read these posts. Would he laugh and send you guys an email saying "How very amusing, gentlemen! Well played, indeed!!", or would he say "facking Mentrealers" and continue surfing for porn...

...and why do I hope it's the latter?

And 4, 10 is right - he now belongs to the world. You have no idea how many times we have Jaro references while watching the game.

GO HOCKEY! Why is Thursday so far away, dammit??!!

Loser Domi said...

best case scenario: he says "good staf, guys-es" and THEN continues surfing for porn

moeman said...

Weep.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading the stuff for a while and damn this is great. I'm a hockey fan trapped in the not so great Northwest of the US. Thank you, thank you thank you.

ps. Jaro needs to do a commentary on all the play off games!

Noda said...

Jaro needs....let me think....something like:

Jaro: Hockey Learnings of Montreal for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Slovak Republic

Go Hockey!

Anonymous said...

i miss hockey... where's the puck? why do strippers leave me after 3am?? thursday's close by, right??? right????
Anto sad now. Anto tired. Anto take a little snooze.