Leafs interim GM Cliff Fletcher, see here in file footage courtesy George Eastman, told TSN today that he "sees good times ahead for the Leafs." When asked if he was serious, he replied: "as a heart attack. And I should know, I've had five since I returned to the Leafs two months ago."
When asked what his opinion was based on, considering the Leafs finished 10 points out of a playoff spot and have only a handful of better-than-marginal prospects in the wings, Fletcher fell asleep for about 15 minutes. After being gently awakened by his personal valet/nurse, Fletcher mumbled something incoherent and mentioned that every move this off season will be designed to improve the team - unlike in off-seasons past under the guidance of "that little imbecile prick, JFJ".
When reminded that the team's best player, Mats Sundin, will be a UFA this off season, Fletcher said, "You mean that tall blond kid with the funny accent? I think he's European, and there's no way we can win with those guys." After a reporter questioned the 107-year old interim GM on how he could improve the team when several players refuse to waive their no-trade clauses, Fletcher retorted that he'd just call Conn Smythe up and him deal with it - "Ol' Conny knows how to deal with troublemakers. He'll call their moms or send them down to the Pittsburgh Hornets, or wherever the Leafs are dumping their minor leaguers these days." When told Smythe had been dead for over 25 years, Fletcher screamed hysterically and left the room shouting, "he's coming for me, the old bastard is finally coming for me!"
He then returned to his usual spot, a sunlight-free nook outside the Air Canada Centre, shotgun in hand, begging for "enough change to bribe Bryan McCabe into waiving his No-trade Clause."