Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Well Fuck: Bruins 4 - Habs 2

Think this guy could do something? No? Yeah me neither.

This is what I think we could do to salvage the season.

I hear that Milan Lucic has been cooperating with the feds in order to coordinate the European takeover of Slovakia. I also hear that Lucic has been covering up his real accent, and really speaks like Nicolae Ceausescu with a mouthful of peanut butter nestled in his cheeks. I also hear he is returning for the slaying that will be known as Game 4 tomorrow night at the Bell Centre.

So, we get big Georges Laraque, who's overtly anti-Slovak, to dress up in this very gay black latex costume and surprise Milan Lucic in his 46th floor hotel room at the Mariott in downtown Montreal. Laraque breaks the door down and administers a beat down on Lucic's body. He then lifts him with Herculian force and throws him through the window, sending Milan to the death fall of a lifetime.

That takes care of Lucic.

The Bruins are all freaked out by the news and are convinced that a Bruin killer is out to get them.

Now we've got their attention.

We then hire ex-Hab Rory Fitzpatrick (call him Roryshach) to go around breaking Bruins fans fingers in Montreal bars, to enhance the freak-out factor. We give Roryshach a cool rag to hide his face with and let him go apeshit on the Bruins faithful.

Then we get to work. Zdeno Chara. Tall but stupid. We use this to our advantage and get Roryshach to lure Chara to this secret nuclear power plant a few miles out of Candiac. Zdeno thinks Roryshach looks cool, he loves his name and follows him to the power plant. Once inside the facility, Roryshach loosens his Canadiens wrist watch. The two enter this very cool radioactive chamber and Roryshack casually drops his watch. Zdeno, the always acquiescing friendly giant bends over to pick up the watch but as he rises, he finds that Roryshach has vanished and that the heavy metal door securing the chamber has slammed shut.

Zdeno starts to scream arrrrrghhhhhh!!!!! And Roryshach is cracked up watching the scene unfold from the outside. The pressure inside the chamber rises to catastrophic levels and Chara spontaneously combusts. A few hours later a huge Chara summons the power to reverse the disintegration and re-emerges as a bald and blue giant with understated genitals. He is still powerful, but has lost the ability to use the slapshot, rendering him useless and color clashing in a Bruins uniform.

Well done Roryshach.

Blue Zdeno then shows up for the game day skate tomorrow leaving the players in a total state of shock. Patrice Bergeron proceeds to have a concussion. Zdeno is ashamed and teleports himself to Mars where Tim Hunter has been waiting.

Marc Savard escapes to Antartica with his cat Bursitis to retreat and ponder the Bruins' options for Game 4. Lucic plummeted to his death, Chara's blue and on Mars with Tim Hunter, Bergeron's got another concussion and Roryshach is probably looking for him next. He begins to write in his journal "What the Fuck Now?". But Bursitis is hissing loudly. Savard's too late. Rorsyshach has found him and he's not alone, having brought that Korean usher from the Forum with him. She's in this tight red latex Forum usher outfit and she's escorting Roryshach into Savard's lair by the arm. As they enter, Savard knows it's too late. The Korean usher begins to sing the national anthem, as she did in the 80s, and Savard's head explodes. They fly back to Montreal with the taste of sweet victory on their lips, on board the Owl Ship that pilot Alex Kovalev has been flying in.

A few minutes before game time, Claude Julien announces that there will be a few roster changes. The Habs win the next four games and beat the Bruins in 7. Montreal goes on to win the Stanley Cup and nuclear warfare is averted. Roryshach is rewarded by being elected to the 2009-2010 all-star game.

See? No big deal.

27 comments:

moeman said...

4/20ish on 4/21. There is no better blog than 4HF.

Daniel Plainview said...

the reference to that Korean usher from the Forum is what makes this a masterpiece.

HabsFan29 said...

sometimes even I'm in awe of us

lawyergirl77 said...

4.

Oh. My. God.

Thank you for reminding me how to laugh.

lisa said...

oh yeah, the korean usher singing oh canada.

love it.

what are you guys smoking? don't stop! ;0

Daniel Plainview said...

but what happens if they sign Brisebois next season?

moeman said...

I knocked a lot of wood fantasizing of that Korean usher. If anyone has a pic, post it.

lawyergirl77 said...

Speaking of which, moe, i don't think you've been knocking wood nearly enough lately, considering how badly we've been doing. GET ON THAT, WILL YA??

On a more depressing note - today while I was driving home, Michel Como's "Bleu Blanc Rouge" song came on my iPod. And, I shit you not, a tear rolled down my cheek.

CURSE YOU HABS FOR TURNING ME INTO A GIRL!!!

moeman said...

@lg77, je frappes le bois (souvent) mais mon Canadien perd. That sounds like a hit song if you ask me.

lawyergirl77 said...

moe - Bein, frappe-le plus fort, tabarnak! You're clearly not trying hard enough...

moeman said...

@lg77, if Bouillon Cube can re-pull his groin pour l'équipe, maybe I should just pull IT out for the team and bang as hard as I fucking can. Lucky I'm not a UFA and looking for a better contract. Put me in the line-up, I'm ready to fucking rip it coach!

(Side note; I'm hoping all my fellow/feline 4HFers rip this joint to shreds tomorrow!!!)

Daniel Plainview said...

ok forgive me for going off topic but what is this about Price and the 15 year old? is it a Jean Perron fantasy or something?

South Shore Habs Fan said...

@ moeman
Maybe Don Cherry can give you some tips

moeman said...

@SSHF, thanks for that. Weirdly, IT didn't move.

kevincrumbs said...

I never thought I'd one day be a regular reader of a Canadiens blog in which one member urged another to "knock more wood". Congratulations.

I don't think this is 4/20-ish, by the way. It seems more like smoking the gel off a phentanyl patch. +100 to HF4.

moeman said...

@kc, merci (on behalf of my fabulous web coach lg77 and myself).

BTW, I've been congratulated for less.

Go Habs! (you fuckers)

Sal Paradise said...

Hey! I remember that Korean usherette too.

Back in August 1985 I made my first ever visit to the Montreal Forum. My family and I took the guided tour of the Forum and Ellen (that was her name) gave us the tour.

I remember having overly-detailed, Habs-related conversations with her and she'd forget about the tour she was giving as she talked about the Montreal Canadiens. She loved them as much as I did and my 12 year old self was smitten. Not to mention the fact that when she arrived at the Forum, before giving the tour and getting into her usherette uniform, she was wearing these super-short shorts with high heels and killer legs and she was smoking sexy!


These are Habs memories I cherish in these dark days. Thanks for the reminder.

Doogie2K said...

So who gets chained up in a burning building and given the option of dying in a fire or self-dismemberment? (I haven't read Watchmen, but I seem to remember that being mentioned as something Rorschach did at some point.)

moeman said...

@Sal, that was weepingly beautiful (and thought-provoking!)

moeman said...

heh, two torontonians, jeff 'fake goatee' mareek and scott 'fake beard' moronson have a giggle about Patrick Roy starting tomorrow night. I think I recall seeing these two on NBC's 'To catch a predator' show, allegedly.

South Shore Habs Fan said...

@ moe
Meh. I save all my hatred for Bob Cole. Dunno if anyone else noticed, but during Monday's game, in the little while when we were leading and playing well, Kessel got the puck in front of Price, and Cole yelled excitedly "Kessel - goal!" BEFORE KESSEL TOOK A SHOT THAT PRICE STOPPED. He then continued his commentary as though nothing had happened.

Between butchering our players' names, making snide remarks about their play, and celebrating phantom goals against us on a national telecast, it's a wonder the CBC gets any viewers at all from Quebec (I don't have cable so I have an excuse).

Moey said...

Here I sit on Gilligan's island, seriously folks we saw one bird today and it didn't want to talk hockey but I have some breadcrumbs to lure it back for tomorrow. Well let's put this all into perspective, the boys are trying hard, we didn't get blown out of the Bell Centre last night, I'm not angry with them. They'll win tomorrow night just to spite us, then lose in Boston. I'm okay with that and I'm okay with this rum stuff that I'm drinking. Time for beddie bye.

punkster said...

Like, wow man. Fuckin' eh!!! Can you pul-EASE give some of what you're ingesting to Bob to distribute in the dressing room tomorrow.

Word verif: exess (I kid you not and I do not need to provide an example, do I?)

Robbie said...

4, your just not fucking well , not fucking wel at all...laughing my ass off.

South Shore Habs Fan said...

Oh hey look, we're not the first team eliminated from the playoffs! Yay!


I hope Price blocks Melanson's phone number and locks himself in a basement somewhere with videos of all Luongo's games.

Tom said...

When the authorities arrived in front of the Mariott to investigate the incident, they would only find a giant smoking crater and the words "I still live" scrawled in blood on a nearby street sign.

Habsfan10 said...

Actually, Tom, if Lucic is writing it, it will say something like
"me not dyE Fyre bad".