Think this guy could do something? No? Yeah me neither.
This is what I think we could do to salvage the season.
I hear that Milan Lucic has been cooperating with the feds in order to coordinate the European takeover of Slovakia. I also hear that Lucic has been covering up his real accent, and really speaks like Nicolae Ceausescu with a mouthful of peanut butter nestled in his cheeks. I also hear he is returning for the slaying that will be known as Game 4 tomorrow night at the Bell Centre.
So, we get big Georges Laraque, who's overtly anti-Slovak, to dress up in this very gay black latex costume and surprise Milan Lucic in his 46th floor hotel room at the Mariott in downtown Montreal. Laraque breaks the door down and administers a beat down on Lucic's body. He then lifts him with Herculian force and throws him through the window, sending Milan to the death fall of a lifetime.
That takes care of Lucic.
The Bruins are all freaked out by the news and are convinced that a Bruin killer is out to get them.
Now we've got their attention.
We then hire ex-Hab Rory Fitzpatrick (call him Roryshach) to go around breaking Bruins fans fingers in Montreal bars, to enhance the freak-out factor. We give Roryshach a cool rag to hide his face with and let him go apeshit on the Bruins faithful.
Then we get to work. Zdeno Chara. Tall but stupid. We use this to our advantage and get Roryshach to lure Chara to this secret nuclear power plant a few miles out of Candiac. Zdeno thinks Roryshach looks cool, he loves his name and follows him to the power plant. Once inside the facility, Roryshach loosens his Canadiens wrist watch. The two enter this very cool radioactive chamber and Roryshack casually drops his watch. Zdeno, the always acquiescing friendly giant bends over to pick up the watch but as he rises, he finds that Roryshach has vanished and that the heavy metal door securing the chamber has slammed shut.
Zdeno starts to scream arrrrrghhhhhh!!!!! And Roryshach is cracked up watching the scene unfold from the outside. The pressure inside the chamber rises to catastrophic levels and Chara spontaneously combusts. A few hours later a huge Chara summons the power to reverse the disintegration and re-emerges as a bald and blue giant with understated genitals. He is still powerful, but has lost the ability to use the slapshot, rendering him useless and color clashing in a Bruins uniform.
Well done Roryshach.
Blue Zdeno then shows up for the game day skate tomorrow leaving the players in a total state of shock. Patrice Bergeron proceeds to have a concussion. Zdeno is ashamed and teleports himself to Mars where Tim Hunter has been waiting.
Marc Savard escapes to Antartica with his cat Bursitis to retreat and ponder the Bruins' options for Game 4. Lucic plummeted to his death, Chara's blue and on Mars with Tim Hunter, Bergeron's got another concussion and Roryshach is probably looking for him next. He begins to write in his journal "What the Fuck Now?". But Bursitis is hissing loudly. Savard's too late. Rorsyshach has found him and he's not alone, having brought that Korean usher from the Forum with him. She's in this tight red latex Forum usher outfit and she's escorting Roryshach into Savard's lair by the arm. As they enter, Savard knows it's too late. The Korean usher begins to sing the national anthem, as she did in the 80s, and Savard's head explodes. They fly back to Montreal with the taste of sweet victory on their lips, on board the Owl Ship that pilot Alex Kovalev has been flying in.
A few minutes before game time, Claude Julien announces that there will be a few roster changes. The Habs win the next four games and beat the Bruins in 7. Montreal goes on to win the Stanley Cup and nuclear warfare is averted. Roryshach is rewarded by being elected to the 2009-2010 all-star game.
See? No big deal.